Is he hiding something or is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Is he hiding something or is it me?
11
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 11:05am

Ok I just got out of a manipulative, controlling an sexless marriage last year. I just started dating this January. I have been out with 4 different guys, all nice in their own right. One guy I felt the most connection I have gone out with him 3 times now in two weeks and we really seem to hit it off. He tells me he wants us to be exclusive. He texts me all the time. Ok, and maybe I am reading into things because of things my ex use to do, but he is starting to make me think something is up. He lives like 2 minutes from my work. He will text me, playing says how he wants to see me and misses me so I have asked him to come see me at work, "Oh no I cant do that Im tired"......ok. I play with him and say Im gonna come see him after I get off work, "oh no Im already in bed Im tired, or you cant my son is visiting". .....ok. He texts me, lil playful inuendos, I text him back and forth, I call him, he doesnt answer or it goes straight to voicemail. I have only actually talked to him on the phone once and thats when he was picking me up at my house for our 2nd date and he got lost. Also, when we text he will just stop, never answering questions or making comments on what I just asked. Either he never responds back till the next day or I dont hear from him for a while 1, 2, 3 hrs then he starts with the lil cute flirting again telling me how beautiful I am, how he wants to be with me and how he cant wait for us to get to know each other better, saying stuff like I wanna be yours and only yours. I dont know. As I said I am getting suspicious, epecially with the phone calls, I know he has the phone, we are texting each other and instead of texting my response I try to call and then he doesnt answer or sends it to voicemail, then gives me an excuse like I was at the Dr office and I couldnt answer, or I was at the drive thru, or some other excuse. I say if you can incessantly text me you can answer the phone. I know its only been 3 dates and just 2 weeks but really. Am I being played? Is he still married and not divorced like he said.  I think I am.

Malificient

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 1:51pm

The fact that he doesn't answer the phone while he has the phone in his hand texting you is suspicious.  I think if he was actually at the dr's office he would probably mention it earlier in the conversation.  It would make sense if he is with someone that he could text even while the woman was in the room, but not be able to talk to you.  Since he is close to your work, have you driven by the house to see if there are 2 cars in the driveway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 5:42pm

Thanks for the supporting words, I thought maybe I was being crazy. No, Im trying not to go off the deep end here,so no I havent gone by his house, yes I wanted to but I didnt. I mean, we dont have any committment to each other right now,  although he is the one who started that line of conversation. Its just all getting suspicious. Like now he just text and asked if I was home an says he is gonna stop by but that he cant stay long.....Why not he doesnt have to work tomorrow he already told me that earlier. I havent physically seen him in about a week, seems like if he wants me like he texts me all the time he would wanna spend actual time with me.........grrrrrrr .....something is up.

Malificient

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 8:17pm

Always trust your instincts, unless you're a paranoid person, which it doesn't sound like you are. He is exhibiting the behavior of a player. If you want to give him a chance, do so, but don't have sex with him (hopefully you haven't) until you've spent a couple of more months with him, to make sure he wants a long term relationship. He may just be telling you he wants to be exclusive so you'll feel comfortable sleeping with him. No, you're not commited yet, but a mature man with a goal of having one gf in his near future won't be stringing along several women at once and keeping a harem, or telling you he's divorced or separated but you don't have proof of anything right now.

After 3 dates and his communication that he'd like to be exclusive, I think that you have the right to ask for what you want. If you want at least one conversation with him per day, tell him so. If he wants to be long term with you, he'll comply with your wishes since you're the prize and he wants to keep you happy. If he doesn't comply, there's a reason. Either he's a player or doesn't want to put the effort into a short term relationship, which he intends it to be. When you're with him, if he guards his cell phone it means he's a player. Someone who is not a player will leave it lying around when he leaves the room or lets you use it if your battery is dead, etc. If he hasn't invited you to his place by now, that's a red flag. 

When your brain and heart match, it means you're heading in the right direction. If you're getting mixed signals, beware and tread very carefully. Good luck.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 03-01-2013 - 9:35pm

malificient wrote:
<p>Ok I just got out of a manipulative, controlling an sexless marriage last year. I just started dating this January. I have been out with 4 different guys, all nice in their own right. One guy I felt the most connection I have gone out with him 3 times now in two weeks and we really seem to hit it off. He tells me he wants us to be exclusive. He texts me all the time. Ok, and maybe I am reading into things because of things my ex use to do, but he is starting to make me think something is up. He lives like 2 minutes from my work. He will text me, playing says how he wants to see me and misses me so I have asked him to come see me at work, "Oh no I cant do that Im tired"......ok. I play with him and say Im gonna come see him after I get off work, "oh no Im already in bed Im tired, or you cant my son is visiting". .....ok. He texts me, lil playful inuendos, I text him back and forth, I call him, he doesnt answer or it goes straight to voicemail. I have only actually talked to him on the phone once and thats when he was picking me up at my house for our 2nd date and he got lost. Also, when we text he will just stop, never answering questions or making comments on what I just asked. Either he never responds back till the next day or I dont hear from him for a while 1, 2, 3 hrs then he starts with the lil cute flirting again telling me how beautiful I am, how he wants to be with me and how he cant wait for us to get to know each other better, saying stuff like I wanna be yours and only yours. I dont know. As I said I am getting suspicious, epecially with the phone calls, I know he has the phone, we are texting each other and instead of texting my response I try to call and then he doesnt answer or sends it to voicemail, then gives me an excuse like I was at the Dr office and I couldnt answer, or I was at the drive thru, or some other excuse. I say if you can incessantly text me you can answer the phone. I know its only been 3 dates and just 2 weeks but really. Am I being played? Is he still married and not divorced like he said.  I think I am.</p>

Something certainly is shady. Ask him point blank if he is married or involved with someone--be prepared for him to lie.

The next time he starts in with the "lil cute flirting again telling me how beautiful I am, how he wants to be with me and how he cant wait for us to get to know each other better, saying stuff like I wanna be yours and only yours", tell him "You know what?  I dont' want to be exclusive. I really want to keep my options open and date around"... and see how he reacts.  If he gets upset, then you bring up his inconsistent behavior, his always texting you, but never answering the phone, the letting the phone go to voicemail when you call, the not wanting to see you when you get off work and are 2 minutes from him... and tell him that that is very suspicious to you, like he's married or is living with someone. 

And don't let him just drop by. It seems like he wants a relationship when it's convenient for him and not for you.  If he wants to see you, you'll see him tomorrow when you get off work--if he balks, then drop him off at the mall and keep going.

All in all, I'd say throw him back in the water and keep fishing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sat, 03-02-2013 - 10:18am

You have to be very cautious about every new guy as well as take things slow because you just came from a manipulative and controlling marriage. As strange as it sounds, people tend to gravitate towards situations that are most familiar to them even if they don't really want the same situation. 

In other words, by saying he wants to be "exclusive" after 3 dates, he's trying to fence you in - aka - control you. By inviting you over, then not - he's manipulating and controlling you like a toy. 

It doesn't matter if he's dating someone else or not - this guy is not healthy. Do you want the same situation you had before? Then stay with this guy. Otherwise trust your instincts, there is a lot wrong already. And it's worrisome that your main concern that he may be with someone else and not that he already is showing major red flags. 

It may be too soon for you to date. But if you want to, it would seem helpful for you to first do some serious self reflection of what you see as a healthy relationship for you, look at some good relationships in the people around you, and the types of flags you didn't want to see or made excuses for when you dated your ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sat, 03-02-2013 - 10:19am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 10:01am

Thanks, you really hit it on the head. I appreciate your words of support. You are completely right. I need to take a stand. I cant let him make a fool of me and if he truly cares and wants a relationship, he will understand and try and work it out. At least in my world he will, and thats the only world im willing to play in right now. Things are gonna be about me and I feel if a man wants me he will understand my fears and help me work thru them, not run and hide.

Malificient

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 4:36pm

  This is way too soon the even think of an exclusive relationships.   Having fun with dating finding lovers and enjoying life.  Anyone who is talking exclusive after 3 dates is not someone to think of as not controlling.  he wishes to place you into a shelf life.  You can spin this by using opposite tactics.  You reject exclusivity date many enjoy much.  Become the hunter not the prey.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2013
Fri, 03-15-2013 - 2:10am

Just found this site and was curious if you took  that stand and if so, what happened? As a typical guy, I MUCH prefer texting over getting on the phone and talking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 1:00am
well I did ask him whats up but only got that he was really busy. He did contact me last weekend asking to come over said his son was spending the nite with friends in the area an he wanted to see me, I invited him over, he snuggled on the couch an never answered any of my questions about where he has been, what he has been up to for the last 2 weeks, nothing I got no response. He just started in with the "i wanna be yours an only urs stuff" So, I told him there were too many red flags, and I was not getting into a one sided relationship again. He still text with a hey, or what are you doing but no real contact since last sunday. I am chosing to look elsewhere.

Malificient

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