IS he scared of me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
IS he scared of me??
7
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 9:37am

Ok-I am new to this message board and at my wits end!!

I was set up with a guy by a mutual friend last Sept. He appears to be great so far. Good looking, has all the qualities and morals I am looking for, no children (I don't have any yet either); good job, stable, etc. Problem is, he was married for 16yrs (been divorced about two) -he is older than me by 12 yrs-(I am 31) I was only married for 3yrs and have been divorced for 5yrs so I am MORE than ready for a relationship with someone like him. Thing is, we talk, he comes over occasionally, we go to lunch, etc. He is fine when I see him but it is like he won't quite let himself go with me. I am sure it is because of his past marriage, he says he is over it, but I don't think he is. Maybe he is over her, but not what was done to him(I have a feeling she had an affair) He tells our mutual friend that I am great, too good for him, he is too old, etc. It is like he is making up excuses but yet still says things that makes me think he is interested in me and would like something more, just can't quite get 'there'.....We haven't had any kind of intimacy besides a peck or two, sometimes it is all I can do not to jump on him and attack him! :) But I have a feeling that would really chase him away. I get the feeling he is insecure b/c of his past and I want to reassure him but at the same time don't want to be smothering. I just don't know what to do and it has been 9mos!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 3:20pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 4:47pm
Some...I guess the fact that I live in a small town with not a lot of options doesn't help...so when a decent guy comes along, I jumped at the chance...he even said the same-I just feel like if I could get him over this 'hump' or out of his rut-he'd be fine and we would make some progress. I guess that is the only thing keeping me waiting, I am not sure how long I can do it though, you are right, 9mos is a long time. I guess I am not used to this type of guy-I guess it could be the age difference too?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 5:07pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 10:37am

oops sorry, I had to re-read what I posted and it does read like he said that, but that was MY thoughts only, not his (well I guess it could be his, I don't know) but he hasn't said that.

I just think he wants something more in his life, just isn't sure about how to get it. The last time he was in this 'dating' place was almost 20yrs ago and maybe not even then, he was with the same woman from the beginning and then married her-I have dated since my divorce so it is not new to me. Even if it is hard.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Sat, 06-21-2008 - 1:26am

I think there has to be a time limit of some sort. Maybe you two haven't stated it, but I think that he has to know that there comes a time when he needs to fish or cut bait.

You didn't start dating again just so you could have someone to share a nice cup of hot chocolate with. So, ask yourself, why did you start dating again (not a real tough question)? I'm guessing it's to have someone with whom you can share your life. Maybe even have kids. Once again, you have an agenda, follow it.

If you want to get this train back on the track, you'll have to make the first move. Do it gently, but do it. Tell him that after this amount of time you'd like to know if there is a future or not. You can reassure him that you're not his former wife (make sure that you know that's really a problem for him first). Gently remind him that you are an individual and that he shouldn't base this relationship on his past relationship.

Look at it this way, after this time you don't have what you really want. Maybe he needs you to tell him what you want. After all, you can't lose what you don't have. Ask, and you may receive. You don't always need to put his needs before yours.

One caveat is that I'm considerably older than either of you two so I tend to not waste time going after what I want. Once lost, you'll never get that time back. Go after him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 10:07am

Very good advice, and I somewhat attempted that this past weekend after reading your post-I called him and asked him to go to a movie, told him the time, to come to my house and to be sure and call me back so we could discuss what time to leave.....ok, simple enough, I let him know I wanted to do something, was interested in doing it with HIM, and guess what-NO return call, not even a call back to say, NO, I don't want to do that. NOTHING. So I guess I have my answer. It has been long enough, and time is too precious to be wasting on someone who just can't make his mind up one way or another. I may not have anyone else to date at the moment, but I don't need this aggravation. He is a grown man after all, we aren't teenagers! I am not even sure teenagers behave this way...

Thanks for the advice :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 5:40am

Sorry it didn't work out this time. In a country with a population of 300,000,000 people I'm positive there are lots of men who are compatible with you. It just takes time to find the right ones.

Anyway, self-confidence is a trait that most men find desirable in a woman. Don't give up, there are plenty of men out there that will meet your requirements. Also you should have standards, if you always bend to someone else's wants, eventually you'll just end up breaking.

Hope things work out soon