HE SLEPT WITH MY FRIEND

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
HE SLEPT WITH MY FRIEND
13
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 1:50am

Hello everyone.

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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 2:43am

You want opinions? Since you have decided to have nothing to do with your friend or the guy then move on. You can hold onto your anger but then you'll be reliving the past.

I don't believe in closure or explanations in relationships for it really does not matter the "why" of things or having the last word or hearing more words that may or may not be the truth. For me, accepting what was and learning how I was a co-creator in that is all I need in order to focus forward on my life.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 2:59am

Thank you, Mark, for taking the time to read and respond.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 6:44am

I agree with what Mark said, but will add: you weren't in a committed relationship with this guy, in fact it's on-again, off-again. Meanwhile, you're being this great friend to him, but he's really not reciprocating. Given all of this, it's no surprise to me that he doesn't want to discuss it. In his mind, the two of you were "just dating." This doesn't excuse promiscuous behavior (him or your friend), but hurt feelings very often follow a non-exclusive sexual relationship.

And I think the guy needs to get AAA.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 9:10am

My 17 yr old daughter and I just save Invitus which is a Clint Eastwood movie with Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman on Nelson Mandala's starting term of being president of South Africa after Apartheid and being in prison for almost 30 yrs. He talked about reconciliation and forgiveness.

Check out this web article to see if you can relate http://www.learningpeace.com/pages/LP_10.htm

I find that I cannot shortcut this process but it is a process that I benefit from. I don't like feeling resentful of my ex-wife after 10 yrs of our divorce but I also know that I am angry with myself in how I handled my divorce. I guess I need to continue to heal myself in that way.

Mark

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 2:21pm

Not trying to hijack the post, but I'm curious about you answer. Are you saying that you are still resentful 10 years after your divorce (which I understand, no judgement), but that you are more angry at yourself rather than your ex?

A few years ago, I visited two different women friends of mine who had been divorced a very long time, like me. We hadn't talked about it in a long time, and I was surprised at how "fresh" their anger still was. I don't feel like they were hanging on to it in an unhealthy way, in fact both had moved on to other relationships long ago. But I didn't feel so bad about not totally forgiving my own ex. I think for me, I gained much more from finally understanding how I became involved with him in the first place, and the lessons I needed to learn from that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2009
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 3:05pm

I believe all judgment is self judgment and that we get mad because there are parts in ourselves that get triggered by others.


I am mad at my ex because how she acted and acts as

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 8:33pm
It sounds like you're handling it completely normally and maturely. You recognize that he didn't "technically" betray you since you weren't in an exclusive relationship, but he did betray you (as did your friend) by doing something that both surely knew would hurt you if/when you found out. It's funny how his defense is that he didn't break any "rules" of dating. It's very telling that his response was to defend himself for not breaking rules rather than acknowledging the fact that he did something that was clearly putting his own immediate desires ahead of your feelings. I had a similar experience when a girlfriend confessed (more than a year after it happened) that she had slept with an ex-boyfriend while we were together. Rather than admitting her selfishness, she just made excuses as to how it happened. That kept me from being able to trust her because it shows that at some level she thinks there was nothing wrong with what she chose to do - it all came from circumstances that led to the sex, not from a failing on her part. Anyway, you seem to recognize that as well. If I were you, I'd just be glad to be done with the guy. It's clear at this point that anything he said to you showing remorse would just be lies. His initial response was his honest one. Good luck to you finding a more decent man in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 11:39pm

Florida Girl, thanks for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 11:51pm

Crossing Bridges, thanks for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2010
Sat, 07-10-2010 - 12:05am

mhash, thank you for the link.

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