He wants me naked on the 3rd date. EEK!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
He wants me naked on the 3rd date. EEK!
6
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 4:43pm
Hi Everyone!
I'd love to get some practical advice for my issue.
My marriage was long dead before it finally ended last summer. We were together for 18 years, so I haven't been on the market since I was about 22...and before that, when I was young, thin, perky and smokin' hot, almost all of my first dates turned into ltr's. Just the way it was. So I am a total novice at dating, and now I'm not so young, not so thin, and not nearly as perky.
I was really looking forward to getting out there, meeting new men and dating. Maybe meeting someone special. But I was sorely disappointed for a long time. I made the mistake of getting physically involved with a long time friend who immediately ditched me for someone else in my social circle and hid it from me. Then I tried an online dating site had about 10 first dates and no 2nd dates. Some of the men said "I'll definitely call you," after I let them kiss me. And they definitely never did. My very good male friend encouraged me to never, never, never kiss on the first date.
Then, last weekend, I met a really cool guy. We had a first date. I didn't kiss him. He called for a 2nd date. We went out. And then, in the middle of the evening, he just got up from the table, came over to me, put his hands on each side of my face, and kissed me. And I was just putty in his hands after that. We kissed and kissed and kissed.....and I had to stop him from going further several times.
He is very anxious to get naked with me. Like tonight. And I feel the same way. But I am completely terrified of giving him what he wants, because I'm afraid that he'll treat me like a princess until he hits paydirt, and then disappear. I don't know enough about him to know if he's someone who just wants to pursue me until he gets in my pants and then the thrill is over.
Also complicating matters for me is that I really miss sex and want it badly, but I don't want it badly enough to have sex with someone who isn't going to focus his intimate attentions on only me. But I'm on the edge. I am just so afraid that if I have sex with him that I'm going to be alone and unhappy again next week and be kicking myself that I did it.
So. I ask you all - do you have any advice for someone in my situation? Any ideas on how perhaps to verbalize how I'm feeling in a way that isn't going to freak him out and make him run for the hills, thinking that I'm forcing him to commit to a LTR with me after just 2 dates? How to get him to maybe slow down a little but still keep him interested? How to do all this without bringing up the negative relationship crap I went through before I met him? I don't want to have to share all my bad juju with him before he gets to know me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2008
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 10:07pm

This is really interesting, because you are exactly, I mean almost precisely where I was

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Tue, 06-17-2008 - 10:21pm
Thanks SO much for your response!
I agree with you, I need to NOT do it. I don't know if I can really wait months, because that's just totally not my style (I'm a Scorpio trapped in a Sagittarius's body) but I am going to hold him off as long as I possibly can.
I have never had a non-exclusive relationship in my entire life, so I don't really know how that's done. If there's anybody out there that can help me navigate through the weird waters of that river - help me understand it - I'd appreciate it. I mean, I LIKE the guy. He LIKES me. But I do totally get the uneasy feeling that although he likes me that he's not necessarily planning on an exclusive relationship (I got the lowdown on him today from a friend who knows what he's like - or at least what he used to be like and says he was a real player. Don't know if that's his style now, but.....you know what they say about tigers and their stripes. Or leopards and their spots....whatever).
So although I am very, very tempted to have sex just to get my freak on (because it's been SOOOOOO long), I really do not want to be embarassed or humiliated by getting emotionally attached to someone who's going to not take care of my heart. When I'm into a guy, I'm INTO him. And I want him to be into me. And not other people. And it just seems to me that if he wants the freedom to be into other people, that I need to protect myself.
I am really not a game player, but I would really like to figure out a way to lead him along the path to exclusivity. Because funny as this sounds, if he wanted an exclusive relationship with me, I'd have sex with him night and day until he couldn't handle it anymore... but if he wants to have casual sex to just get his freak on, well, he'll never get my pants off!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 11:22am

Sorry if I am taking over here. Don't know who else to talk to.

I feel like I just wrote this discussion. The same thing is happening to me right now. He even asked me on the first date where I wanted to take this, what was I looking for. I honestly said I didn't know, I just want to see what happens. Didn't seem to phase him. He was also very physical, though I stopped anything "interesting" from happening (no one was in any state of undress), and that didn't seem to bother him, either.

I didn't WANT to stop it, I just knew that I would feel really bad about myself later if I didn't.

I have also jumped back into this after 18 years of marriage, having been with my ex since I was 22. Now I am 44 and while I am not dumpy, I ain't no Demi Moore. This guy told me several times I was cute, not in a sleazy way, not too much, and that is something that no one has told me in a very long time. My ex said one of the reasons we were finished was that I wasn't attractive, maybe never was. My ex was not very nice to me in bed, either, I think he would have been happier to be by himself (or an inflatable doll - i.e. didn't matter if I was there or not). Even with the short little make out session I had with this guy, I got more response and attention than I had in years, and I realized how truly bad my ex was in the sack. All of this brought back a lot of feelings of anger toward my ex and towards myself for letting this all go on for so long.

On the one hand I would LOVE to see this guy again. On the other, I am totally terrified of falling for him and getting dumped later. I don't want to play the "games" of waiting such-and-such amount of time for him to get back in touch with me, not responding to phone calls. These "rules", I think, are what keep us all from having functional relationships -it encourages us to play games. After dealing with my ex's games for so many years, I don't have the interest or energy for it.

I think whether or not you do it on the third date or later is really what you think your heart can stand. Sometimes I think that roll in the hay would be great and I could do some dumping on someone if I wanted, but truth be told, I am far to sensitive for that kind of stuff.

Sorry for then length of this. Gotta lotta weight on my shoulders right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 4:58pm

Don't apologize for the length! I have to really hold back, because I could go on for hours with all the crap I've got stuffed into my carry-on bag because I'm too cheap for therapy!

Here's the update on what happened with my 3rd date, because I think it speaks volumes about what we're all terrified of. That 3rd date? Never happened. He was so eager to see me again when he walked out of my house that night. Wanted to see me the next night. Or the next. Couldn't wait, because he thought he was going to finally hit the motherlode. Well, he never called again. So there you go. It's a good thing I didn't let him get into my pants, because I'll bet you $20 that I still would've never heard from again, leaving me feeling used and like I'd given something away for free to someone who didn't value me. Since I didn't, I can walk away with my dignity. Yes, I was hurt a little bit, because I really liked him, and I don't like being dumped unceremoniously, hate to be rejected. But I would have been miserable, kicking myself for months if I had actually let him get what he was obviously wanting from me. This guy had no interest in me as a person. Perhaps if he'd been up front about that, I might have even obliged. If we had an understanding, if the rules of engagement had been established. But they weren't. I didn't know to expect, and that isn't okay with me.

My ex was also horribly cruel to me. He didn't mean to be. He was just so emotionally and sexually stunted, that he ignored me. Rejected me. Had sex with me on the average of once a year (not an exaggeration, unfortunately). I felt ugly, repulsive, and stayed with him years longer than I should've because I thought if my own husband was too repulsed to have sex with me, who else would want me? He never said I was unattractive, he just ignored me. I just shut down completely. So now here I am, almost 20 years later, trying to learn how to do this again.

I had a series of very fortunate events happen to me recently, and it's giving me some hope for the future. Two of my past loves, out of the blue, contacted me. Both told me that I was their first love...one told me he was still in love with me, the other told me, after spending several hours with me, "Now I remember why I fell in love with you all those years ago." These were the two men with whom I developed who I am as a sexual being. As a woman. As a lover and girlfriend. And to have them both show up out of the blue, reaffirming everything about me as a woman, was so rejuvenating. And the great thing is, that neither of them could be capable of playing games with me. Because our histories go back more than 25 years, and we know each other at our cores, before we were damaged by relationships with others, before we learned self-defense mechanisms. And because of this, we can be completely honest with one another, not afraid to let our guards down and speak openly. It was truly an amazing opportunity to get some great feedback and have some great conversations about male/female relationships and how screwed up we become as adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 12:26am

Were we married to the same guy? Why do we stay so long with these men who are so mean (I'll bet everyone else thought he was a great guy)?

Sorry about this guy bugging out on you. I know what you mean about wanting so sort of physical activity. I haven't had any in years and my ex was the most selfish person in the sack...weird thing was, I knew it, I had a little experience before marriage, yet I spent most of my adult life with someone so uncaring. I guess every little morsel of attention I got I held onto like a golden nugget.

God yes, it does feel bad to be rejected. Brings back all the lousy feelings. But maybe you do have something brewing on the horizon. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 9:24pm

Your story about the date was also mine.