He's Still on Match While With Me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
He's Still on Match While With Me??
5
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:18am

Well today I came across something that literally turned my stomach and had me tearing up at my desk while at work. Now keep in mind that I met my now boyfriend only about 2 weeks ago, and we only started dating just each other for the past week, so I know it's really new, but here's the thing. HE asked ME to be exclusive with him and "be his girl". I said yes. We met on match, so we went on match together and deactivated our profiles together. Keep in mind, de-activating does not mean people can't see you. It just means unless you start paying again, you can't email or contact anyone back. You can just log into your account and see who's looked at you or emailed you.

Anyway, I went onto match because I know last time I cancelled they didn't really cancel me out and they kept charging me, so I wanted to check my profile. I did this yesterday, and I don't know why, but my profile still said "active within 24 hours". I was kind of upset at this because I really wasn't active within the last 24 hours. So I decided to go over and check out my man's profile after that. His said the same thing, but I didn't worry about it because mine did too. So this morning I went back in to look, and mine said "active within 3 days". I looked at his and it said "active within 24 hours". This tells me that he's still going on there and checking out other options even though he asked me to be his girl. I don't know what to think now and I've been a mess all morning at work over this.

PLEASE HELP!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:01pm

Well,

I think I ruined it. I did jump to conclusions and left him a voicemail calling him on the whole match thing. He said to me "what, you can check your status but I can't check mine?" - He then said to me things like "maybe this is why a few guys have dumped you, because you have trust issues and they don’t feel like dealing with this" and "now I think we should take things slow" so I said "what does that mean?? That we're not together anymore??" and he said "I don’t know what I want right now… it's only been a week and we've already had a lot of problems". So I kept apologizing saying if I made a mistake then I'm really sorry and it wont happen again, but he was just really cold and not receptive to my apology. He said if this is what he's gonna have to deal with, waking up to nasty voicemail messages, then he doesn't want it. Then he said if I'm acting so untrusting that makes him wonder how much he can trust me. He really started making me feel completely guilty and no matter how much I tried to talk to him and apologize he just said "excellent, thank you" and I said "you don’t even care that I'm sorry, do you?" and he said "no, not now I don’t… I don’t like being accused of things I didn't do all the time… GOODBYE!!!" and he hung up on me and turned off his phone so that I couldn’t call him anymore. Now I feel like I ruined things and that he wont talk to me ever again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 9:29am

Ok everyone, so here's the update on everything that happened yesterday.

Toward the end of the day at work (around 3:30pm for me) I get a text message from him that says "I will call you at 4 when you get out. PS - I'm not mad at you :)" - (I'm assuming he wrote this because he knew despite everything that happened and even though he might've done some things wrong, I know I was still wrong in the way I brought things up. I woke him up with a very nasty voicemail message and didn't even ASK about what happened with the whole match thing. I just struck right at him. That's something I need to work on, and everyone says that. That I jump the gun a lot.

Anyway, he called me at 4pm like he said he would and asked me if I would meet him for a little while before his next pickup, so I agreed. So we met up and talked. He apologized for being "crabby" when he hung up on me. I said he was a little more than crabby. So he said he got angry first thing in the morning and that he didn’t want to say anything else before waking up a little more. So we talked about some of the "issues" we've been having. He said he had cancelled his membership with match. He brought his laptop with him and offered to show me the status and confirmation number if I didn't believe him, and that if it would make me more comfortable he would hide his whole profile also like I did. He said he just didn't think it was that big a deal since we both cancelled together and I didn't hide mine until this problem came up either, but he said he would hide it today.

Then the whole swingers club thing came up. I told him that makes me uncomfortable and he said he would never bring it up again and that it was just something he did one time a few years back and wanted to know if I'd want to do that ever. My friends are telling me he might've just been trying to test the waters to see how far he could get me to go and what I was about, but he said he wouldn't bring it up again.

While we were talking in the car, his daughter's mother called and asked a question about him picking the daughter up and driving her to the airport this morning. Then she asked something about how we were doing and he made reference to "his girlfriend" (me) just to make me comfortable with him speaking to her. Its weird, it's like sometimes he seems to try to go out of his way to make me comfortable with situations, and sometimes he has attitude. I do kind of get the feeling now after our discussion that I might've been the one in the wrong here. I mean, granted, there are some things about him that aren't the greatest situation, but in the whole time we've known each other (which isn't very long), he's treated me good, looked out for me, been upfront about his situation and everyone involved in it, and I've never given him the benefit of the doubt about anything so I kind of feel like I've been unfair. I say that I jump the gun because here I was all day long yesterday thinking he hung up on me and we were done, and when I told him this he said to me "what are you crazy? I never said I didn't want to see you anymore!! And look how busy I've been all week - any free time I've had I've either spent with you or my daughters!!" (he has) I do just assume things.

So anyway, we decided to just continue and see how things go. We both apologized for the things we did wrong and we'll see how things go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 12:01am
Hey... I say, just take things very slowly.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 7:39pm

I was on Match and that was how my guy and I met. When we were both comfortable with one another, not only did we cancel our subscription, but we both agreed to HIDE our profiles. We did not need others to seek us anymore. It was a great feeling.

Now it is hard to find good people online and in the real world. Just keep an eye on yourself and learn to have faith. Go slowly and steadily. If you continue to jump to comclusions, you will surely sabotage your relationships.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sat, 08-19-2006 - 2:21pm

I would just slow WAAAY down.
If you've alreday ahd this many problems in only 2 weeks, it could be a sign.
Just take things really slow and watch out, also watch how you react to situations.

Sounds like maybe you have some unresolved trust issues?