How do you know you're ready?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
How do you know you're ready?
5
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 5:31pm

I had a rough breakup at the beginning of the summer, and I've been on a few dates since then but I've had no real interest in giving up my newfound sense of dedication to myself and my life, my friends and family, etc.

I feel like I'm getting to the point where I'd like to REALLY date, though - not just to date because I'm lonely but because I want to get to know someone new and see where it goes.

However, I'm scared. I'm scared I'll screw up again and pick the wrong guy to fall for, I'm scared that I won't find anyone who likes me enough or that I won't find someone I like enough, and I'm scared that I haven't fully healed my wounds from my last relationship. I'm scared that I'll repeat the same mistakes.

How do you know if you're ready? Should I just stop worrying so much and get out there? I know I'm not very good at internet dating (too much pressure) so I'm focused on meeting guys through friends and just around town - maybe I should try internet dating again? I'm a smart, attractive woman with a lot to offer but I'm at the age (30) where almost all my friends are getting married and having children and here I am back in the dating game. I guess I've learned a lot but I feel like I wasted the last two years with a guy who wasn't what I thought and I'm just petrified that I missed out.

Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 8:58am

However, I'm scared. I'm scared I'll screw up again and pick the wrong guy to fall for, I'm scared that I won't find anyone who likes me enough or that I won't find someone I like enough, and I'm scared that I haven't fully healed my wounds from my last relationship. I'm scared that I'll repeat the same mistakes


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 12:18pm

I agree with the other poster that you should look at dating as a social outing with a new friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 4:56pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 5:55pm


Well, maybe I'm not ready. I actually have seen a therapist a couple of times since breaking up, and he wasn't that helpful. So, I just called today (right before I got the reply that suggested it!) my old therapist from when I was in grad school and I'm hoping to set up private appts with her.

I hadn't realized quite how "scaredy cat" I was coming off in my post - I was just trying to own my feelings about REALLY trying to date again, like I said, not just so I have something to do on a friday night but because I want to get to know someone again, and enjoy their company and learn new things, etc. etc. It's easy to date with a closed heart, not so easy with an open one - it is scary and I'm not ashamed to say it! Which means, like you've all said, maybe I'm not ready at all.

But I've also come to the conclusion that I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and no one is perfect - so I can't wait forever until I'm in the "perfect place" to date again. I'll never get there! I just want to be open to opportunities as they arise and try not to feel that social pressure to be with someone right away. I'd actually say right now I'm more likely to NOT give a date a chance than the opposite. Yeah, kinda guarded - which might not be a terrible thing given my predisposition to give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt.

Life is a bumpy road, but I'm not going to let crazy ex-boyfriends and even my own insecurities keep me from having the life I want and deserve.

So who knows what will happen - thanks for all your advice, but I'm not going to not date just because I have some reservations and concerns, and yes, fears.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 12:06pm
Here's what I can say and hope this will soothe you: I don't think there's such thing as being ready when it comes to dating again. Why is that? because each time we break up, emotional hang-ups are inevitable no matter how strong you are. You can never say you're completely emotionally ready unless you go figure it out and go out from your comfort zone. Fears of getting exposed to pain and be vulnerable is normal. I myself been in your situation. But it made me even stronger and it gave me a big boost to my personality 'cause I'm more open to people now, more engaging socially, and my self-esteem and confidence as well as my emotional integrity were built in the process.. Follow what you really want and what you think might heal you.. Ours are just opinion based on our experiences, so I suggest you decide what to do and what you think will make you happy. I'm more positive on this. It's how you handle things. If you're a woman who have integrity, you'll take time to get to know each person that will come to your life and not let them easily invade your life and neither let them take control. So as long as you know your limitations, I suggest you go out and meet people. As for online dating, it's not a bad idea either..it'd fun and don't expect anything.. If one didn't work out, cut your loses then move on.. Go over this site again look for ivillage dating, relationships, online dating by Tracy Cox for great tips for you to start on.. In dating, you should always be reminded to keep your feet landed on the ground--meaning don't get swept away by a guy easily before knowing him quite well.. ACT LIKE A PRIZE AND NEVER CHASE A MAN-- LET HIM CHASE AND CATCH YOU CAUSE YOU'RE WORTH IT.. PLUS PLAY IT COOL.. HAVE FUN AND GO WITH THE FLOW.. REMEMBER TO PUT YOURSELF AS YOUR FIRST PRIORITY NOT ANY GUY YOU JUST MET..TAKE TIME TO GET TO KNOW EACH OF THEM. I'm sure there'll be lots of interesting guys your age who'd be more than willing to date you.. NEVER EVER APPEAR DESPERATE CAUSE EVEN THE AVAERAGE MAN WOULD SENSE IT ;) GOODLUCK! GODBLESS =)