How do you start the exclusive conversat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
How do you start the exclusive conversat
9
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 10:19pm

Hi All,
I was reading some of the entries and found them to be very interesting. I have been on a few of the other boards too. Most recently the Surviving Divorce board for almost 2 years, it really helped me through a very long and difficult divorce.
So now I've been dating for about a year and actually most of that year with the same man. We get along great, have many mutual interests and see each other at least once a week or more. He pays me all kinds of compliments and is polite and respectful.

We have been discussing a weekend camping trip next month and I can't wait to go. I'm not dating anyone else and not even looking anymore and I want to have "the talk" with him about being exclusive with each other. Now I'm no spring chick and neither is he, but I've only really been back in the dating world a short time and don't know all the ropes I guess.
Is there anybody out there that can give me some advice or encouragement on how to even start this conversation? I'm usually a very straight forward person, but this one has me stumped I guess cause I'm not sure what his reaction will be or maybe I'm afraid of what his reply might be. If any of you remember me from the divorce board, I was in an abusive mariage for way too many years and I still working on the self esteem portion of my personality, which is going pretty good, I might add.

Boy - I'm rambling now, anyway, any advice out there?
Thanks,
e

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 4:34pm

Did I read your post correctly--you've been dating this guy for almost a year and haven't talked about exclusivity? If so, wow, that's a long time to be dating without talking about that! Or have you talked about it but one or both of you weren't ready when you did? If so, how long ago was that?

I would be happy to give you suggestions but wanted to be clear on what the situation is first.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 7:11pm
Hi Sheri,
Well at first we were real casual, actually we dated for two months (once a week) before we were intimate.
But since then we have been dating very steady for 5 months.
I really think that I just wasn't ready till now and I was dating other people for the first three months too.
Like I said I have been out of the dating world for 23+ years, so I don't know what is the rule of thumb. Duh.........
Thanks for any advice you want to give, good or bad, I'll listen.
e
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 7:18pm

Well, I think everyone is different, so you have to decide for yourself what you're comfortable with...I don't think there's a "rule of thumb" per se, I just know that I wouldn't personally be comfortable dating someone that long without having made an agreement to be exclusive.

For me, I need to have that talk and understanding before we sleep together. So that's when I do it (and I prefer to wait a couple months also before sleeping with someone).

So...I guess if I found myself in your shoes, at this point, I'd say something like, "you know what? I realized that even though we've been dating for quite a while now, we've never discussed any understanding about dating other people. I know I haven't done so for a while and I feel comfortable committing to exclusivity with you at this point. How about you?" Then see what he says.

Good luck, I hope it goes as you are hoping!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 9:02pm
Sheri,
Wow, you make it sound so simple, I will definitely try what you suggested and let ya know how it comes out.
Thanks again,
e
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 2:25pm
Hi Sheri... Great to see ya over here!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 2:30pm

Hi


Sheri really had a great idea..... I was just thinking, you could just say something, "you know, we just haven't talked about this... and I feel like we have an understanding about what we expect/predict from each other... but I also know that making assumptions never replaces actually saying out loud how we're feeling... I want to be sure that you understand how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 1:43pm
Amazing advice. Nice to see so many familiar "faces" here. This is my first visit to this board, but know many of you from others!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 6:56pm

Hi Karen,
Thank you for the advice. I am going to give it a whirl. But I kinda chickened out last weekend cause it never seemed like the right time. We went to dinner, the restaurant was crowded and then we went to a movie, couldn't talk there and the car ride back and forth didn't seem like the right place and then we went back to my place, and of course that wasn't a good time to bring that up as we were basking in the afterglow, so to speak.

But I copied and pasted your quote and will rehearse it if I have to.
This is all very new to me and since I'm still working on being more asertive in my private life this will be a new goal!

Maybe I should put it on my fridge with the rest of my goals!! LOL! Maybe he will notice it and ask me about it, that's a way to start the conversation! LOL!

Anyway, thanks again for the great advice.
e

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 10:31pm

LOL... that reminds me of... ME!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~