how important are looks?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
how important are looks?
9
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 11:54am

I'm 23, and dating an average-looking guy. We have only gone on a few dates, but he treats me with respect, values my opinion, expresses his attraction to me, and always conducts himself with chivalry. We also have a lot in common, and he's easy to talk to.

My girl friends think I should be dating someone more attractive. They always give me a hard time, because they say we look "mis-matched." I know they might be acting shallow, but it is my experience that younger people in general seem to place a LOT more importance on physical appearance than people with more life experience.

I guess I'm asking for opinions. Is there anyone out there who used to be a little shallow when it comes to judging others based on physical appearance, and they met someone that changed their mind? And/or is there anyone out there who felt that way when they were younger but now that they're older, their priorities of what they want in a partner have changed?

I would just like some insight before tell my friends that they're immature and they'll grow out of it, haha ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 2:56pm

he treats me with respect, values my opinion, expresses his attraction to me, and always conducts himself with chivalry. We also have a lot in common, and he's easy to talk to. <<<

Sugar coated, but TRUE answer first ... ;-)

I find these traits make anyone more attractive than their face. If someone treats me well, they are the most beautiful.

~~~

judging others based on physical appearance ...
And/or is there anyone out there who felt that way when they were younger but now that they're older, their priorities of what they want in a partner have changed? <<<

The people posting on Mismatched Libidos. One spouse chose their partner based on what they could provide, not physical attraction. And now the marriage is cold & lonely.

(The story I read the other day, the woman dated "bad boys" & married a "nice guy" & now the man feels rejected, used, tricked.)

~~~

So my final answer is ... find someone who is Attractive To You.

Nevermind what your friends think, they aren't dating him. They don't live your life.

Everything needs balance. If he treats you well, without attraction, it won't be a good long term match. Just like if it's all attraction, but you treat each other badly.

Everyone ages, so we'll all look worse for the wear. It's a lot rarer to find someone whose values & plan for life matches up with your own.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 4:32pm

"Perfection" is in the eye of the beholder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 4:36pm

Dear Letters,


You're obviously much more mature than most of your friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2009
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 6:01pm

thank you so much for your eloquent response! something was telling me not to listen to what my friends were saying, but then another part of me was thinking "outsiders looking in" so i wanted to consider it.

i just feel so much better hearing positive and supportive responses from everyone. thank you all for your input. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 7:37pm

Looks are important when you first meet a person because we are all a little visual.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 7:44pm

Yes, the others are right, right, right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 8:42pm

I think that if we were designing the "ideal" mate, of course both men & women would pick someone who is conventionally attractive, but in real life, other qualities are much more important. Let's face it, looks fade eventually. Or as my boss said once, if you go out w/ someone just for their looks, what do you do? Just sit around & look at each other?

My 2nd DH is not really an attractive guy--his weight has gone up & down a lot due to various health problems, but at the time I met him, he was more overweight, but we used to joke about how he has no butt. He used to describe himself as looking like a bulldog, but really he wasn't that bad. He did have some nice features that I would focus on, like he has very soft blond hair and nice blue eyes. So to me, he was very sexy also, despite the fact that he wasn't really good looking. So I would say that as long as your guy is "good enough" for you, who cares what your friends say? I have also found that the most attractive people are sometimes pretty shallow and don't treat you as well, cause they figure, so what if this girl breaks up w/ me, plenty of other girls will be dying to go out w/ me (probably the same for pretty girls too), where if a guy isn't as attractive, maybe he will work a little harder to keep his girlfriend happy (I know, this is a stereotype but it has just been my experience).

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 2:33pm
it seems like you enjoy his company and like him so thats whats important not what your friends think
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 10:11pm

My last boyfriend was not exactly a head turner.