How many dates would you give someone you feel lukewarm about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2013
How many dates would you give someone you feel lukewarm about?
6
Sat, 02-09-2013 - 5:15pm

I've been on 2 dates with this guy. He's tall, good looking, extremely sweet, very outgoing. But for some reason, I'm just not "feeling" it. I mean, there's a slight attraction that I feel, but it's not intense or major.

So I was curious, how many dates would give somebody you're not sure about? I'm actually at a point where I don't feel like reaching out to him, but I'm also wondering if that would be a mistake on my part, because I could be "missing out" on something good.

Another reason why I'm probably not super into him is because the last guy I dated was pursuing me hardcore from the jump. With this new guy, he seems to be playing it cool (hasn't called, texts me every two days). I guess I want someone who is SURE about me. He may like me, but something is missing. He could be seeing other people, I don't know.

Let me not overthink this. LOL.

Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

It is unrealistic to expect someone to be "sure about you" and be exlcusive after 2 dates!  In fact, you are not sure about him, either.  Otherwise why would you post the question here?

As far as how many dates you would keep going on, it really depends on what you are looking for and what other "prospect" you have at this time.  I have gone on dates with someone simply because it was fun.  I enjoyed his company/the activities without putting too much thoughts on the outcome.  Other times I was seeing several men at the same time and if someone feels lukewarm, I would call it quits sooner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think you should examine why you feel the way you do--is it just because he is not pursuing you more strongly?  FWIW, if I had only been on 2 dates w/ a guy I would not expect him to be calling all the time--that would actually annoy me.  I don't think that most men would act like that.  I would only expect a call every 2-3 days.  And it seems like everybody texts now, which is annoying, but if you don't like it & would prefer a call, the phone works both ways, you know, or you could at least mention that you prefer calling over texting and see if he complies.

It's hard to say how many dates to give him.  I agree w/ Demontespan--it depends what else is going on.  I met a guy through OLD.  We went out twice in a short period and I thought he was just ok but it's not like I had anything else going on at the time.  I didn't hear from him and then quite a few months later he was on the OLD site again and asked me out again & I went--it was a nice date, he paid for dinner, then he didn't ask me out again--although he said he'd call me.  I was more insulted than really missing him.  I mean if you have other guys to go out with or you don't have that much time or you feel like you'd be leading him on, then don't go.  But sometimes it takes a while to get to know someone.  I also think that way too much emphasis is put nowadays on having some kind of instant physical chemistry--in the long run of a relationship, yes, chemistry and sexual compatibility is important but is it that easy to find a guy who also has the other attributes that you want?  Try to look at the whole picture.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Quick answer - you need to date a lot more people. The quicker you go through a few cycles of intensity fading out as it always does if there is nothing else to back it up for a real relationship, the quicker you'll start looking for qualities of more depth and the rest of your life will be a lot more pleasant. Some people never learn it and get addicted to the high of the initial attraction that meets some imagined criteria of what a relationship or dating is supposed to be, but isn't based on reality.
 
For example, the one type of guy who always starts out with tons of attention are the players, manipulators and abusers. They just keep doing it because they know it's a guaranteed formula to get them someone who falls for it. But they have no clue past that.
 
About this guy specifically- "tall, good looking, outgoing and sweet" all may be nice, but the fact still may be that you two don't relate well to each other or that you two connect. Ultimately, those are the things that help build something to last, besides, of course, some kind of attraction.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

You sound as if you're expecting to be in full blown committed relationship mode when you haven't known him long at all.

It is unrealistic for you to have the kind of expectations out of this guy after only 2 dates. You dont even know him and he doesn't know you. Why don't you concentrate on getting to know him instead of trying to shoehorn him into boyfriend status already?

Stop measuring him by how others treated you---and apparently left you since you're dating again.  Those who burn bright, burn out fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012

Sounds a bit like you are over thinking it.

I am not sure that two dates is really enough to get to know someone that well. If you feel like you are wasting your time then don't pursue it, but if you think this nice guy might be worth something then go out a couple more times just to be sure.

I agree you can't hold up guys you dated in the past to one you are dating now, if it didn't work out with the past guy, why would you compare him with this one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

There are different ways to be unsure about someone. On one hand, there's a reason people usually don't wed after one date. There's a lot to learn about a man and to work out with him. On the other hand, when chemistry exists, it usually is there early on. If after a couple of dates, even if he is a great catch on paper, you don't feel he's right--he probably isn't right for you. So, I take a different position here than everyone else who posted.

One caveat though is I don't know what kind of guy you've been attracted to in the past. If you've been an #$%hole magnet, you might want to find a therapist. If you've connected with nice, normal guys at least sometimes, then just accept that this man isn't for you and cut him loose.