how to start dating w/o starting a rela?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2006
how to start dating w/o starting a rela?
9
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 3:14pm

I am currently in the process of a divorce, and my soon to be ex-h has been living with the OW for the last few months. I would like to start dating, but every guy that I met that I would potentially date has made it clear they do not date women who date more than one guy. How do you decide to only date one person when you are just starting back to dating? I don't want to appear as a "slut" by dating more than one person, but I also want to explore my options and see what is out there before I decide to become exclusive. I just haven't dated in 13 years, and I am not sure what the rules are or how to go about it. I don't want to lead a guy on by agreeing early to be exclusive, but i also don't want to loose the chance of a good relationship in the future. KWIM?

Any thoghts or help would be appreciated!
TSTS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:39pm

They are being up front with you. That's great! Return the favor. Let them know you're looking to just be friends, hang out buddies, whatever, but that you aren't prepared for anything exclusive right now. You just want to take things really slow.

Another tactic to take would be to just date 1 man at a time. If you find someone interesting you'd like to date, let the one you're with know that you're out.

Whatever the case, honesty is the best policy. ;)
- JD

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 10:20pm

I'd be honest... "I'm just getting back into dating, and I really want to learn more about myself and others by dating openly for a while..." unless, of course, you do find one that seems to be "right" in enough ways to get your attention.


If you run across "the one"... and he's worthy of your time.... he'll be understanding, let you "do your thing" and wait patiently for you to *see* that he's the guy for you.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 1:17pm

tsts01...

Pianoguy might be in the minority here, but he has always believed in "eliminating the old relationship" before diving into a new one!

DIVORCE means closure....SEPARATION doesn't!

I admit that this isn't "the popular alternative" if 2 people want to date, or even cultivate a serious friendship? However, it often takes a few of us a little while to 'clear out the bad taste from an earlier relationship' before we want to partake in a newer one? How can anybody REALLY KNOW the difference between a 'rebound romance' and 'the real thing?'

You (or your EX) might not feel this way, but I'll bet there are at least one or two ivillagers who DO?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:32pm

Try a dating website. Or just consider yourself to be out of their league. Dating sites like webdate are good because you sort of have to meet and interact with morethan one person ata time. They have chat rooms, soo.

But aside from that, the nature of those sites is such that that(dateing a couple of people ata time) is expected.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 6:35pm

Well pianoguy, I guess I don't understand the point of your post. Some background... My husband and I have been separated for a year, no realtionships, not even with each other so HE could figure out what he wanted. In March he decided to move in with the other woman, with whom he had an affair which caused the separation. We didn't actually FILE for divorce until May due to working through a mediator and trying to do things the right way. I feel like I am already divorced even though the process is not complete, and I feel I would like to go out and meet people. No I am not looking for a relationship, or even a rebound, but I would like to go out and meet people and in a sense "learn how to date". I don't feel I need to stay home and wallow in self pity. I don't see the point.

I thought this board was a place to give advice for how to rejoin the dating game, which I feel like I am at a point where I would like to try. My problem is, I have started to meet a couple nice guys, but I feel like they are each totally different, and I would like to explore the possibility that I may want to have a relationship with one of them in the future. I haven't actually been on a "date" with any of them for this reason.

I just thought that possibly others have been in a similar situation and could offer some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 9:45am

tsts01...

Just to let you know...PG sees no harm in "exploring whatever dating possibilities come your way!" You can be interested in as many men as you can handle.

I suppose if casual friendships with no commitment are satisfactory enough for you THAT'S GREAT!

However, most of the ladies I've chatted with usually reach a point in a relatioship where they WANT to know where things are going? So when a woman is still married...that relationship probably won't go anywhere because it's (literally) FROZEN!

The men she chooses to date can continue to receive all the benefits, but they don't have to worry about making any future commitments! Simply because...THE WOMEN THEY'RE SEEING ARE STILL MARRIED AND COMMITTED TO SOMEONE ELSE!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2006
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 10:32am
Well, obviously at some point both people will want to know where the relationship is heading. The divorce will be final at that point. I am not planning to start a relationship until the divorce is final. I am currently in the 90 day waiting period, we filed in May. This is where my question originated....I am not sure how to date without agreeing to commit to one person. I feel I would like to start dating, but I don't feel I am ready to make any commitments. Maybe I am not ready to date then, maybe I should just stay friends.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:00pm

tsts01...

Pianoguy thinks FRIENDSHIPS are always a better alternative...and definitely a lot safer!

There's always the possibility that any good friendship can develop into something more serious? But with a good friendship, neither side of a couple feels pressured into taking things any further....unless they ABSOLUTELY WANT TO?

Here's hoping your '90 day waiting period' passes VERY QUICKLY?

Best wishes from one who has been there.........twice!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 1:35pm

I agree with what you write here. Some of the boards I participate on urge a one year rule - wait a year until after the ink is dry to begin dating. I must say I agree.

I see nothing wrong with going out with friends and groups of friends to get a social life and put your life back together after divorce. I think that a divorce is very hard to go through - before when the marriage is in the tank, during when you are negotiating and settling everything and then after when you are left with a pile of ashes so to speak - you really have to take the time to mourn your loss, figure out WHY this happened to you and to just build your life as a fun and happy single (very very hard in my opinion). It takes time to build your social life and friendships and if there are kids involved to get them used to a whole new life.

I think that dating is hard - like working a job - you have to be strong to pick the right partners, set boundaries, put up with rejection and be able to see red flags and not jump in too fast. If you are reeling from a bad marriage you will be so hungry and needy you will set yourself up for going too fast too soon with the wrong person.

If you can be "just friends" then it is great to get out with a lot of new people. But this is easier said than done. It is my experience from reading a LOT of stories on a lot of boards here that many women underestimate the power of a sexual relationship and the ability to stay casual. They are not strong enough to hold back their hearts and wait for the right one.

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