I am SOOO New to Dating... Need Feeback!
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I am SOOO New to Dating... Need Feeback!
| Wed, 03-31-2010 - 11:15pm |
Ok, I am sooo new to the dating world.
| Wed, 03-31-2010 - 11:15pm |
Ok, I am sooo new to the dating world.
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Yes, it makes sense to me that if you want to have children, you will need to date women of child-bearing age who also want to have children (or are open to more children).
I think that when you are in the "getting to know you" phase, esp. when you are doing OLD, it's fine to be dating more than one person at a time. Many times, you will go on a few dates, then realize that you really don't want to continue the relationship (or she doesn't) so then you won't have all your eggs in one basket. And it will probably prevent you from getting too attached too early. I also agree that you shouldn't be sleeping w/ them--that's what makes women think you are just a "player," not the dating.
I also hope you spend some time thinking about what you are looking for in a woman, besides the obvious being of childbearing age and wanting to have kids. What is it that you liked about your exes & what didn't you like? I have been div twice also (& have kids so I doubt I'd want to get married again) but you don't want to end up w/ just anyone because it's convenient or you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. I think the more you know yourself and know what you are looking for, the more chance you have of a successful relationship.
As far as age, I think I'd concentrate on women who aren't more than 10 yrs younger than you. Yes, maybe if someone is mid-late 30's, you can only have one child, but chances are you'll also have more in common. Men don't seem to get this, because dating sites are full of men who want much younger women. Remembering back to my younger days, I was never interested in a man who was more than 5 yrs older than me (and most of my friends were the same way). I always wonder why a guy who is maybe 42 would think that a 28 yr old woman is dying to go out w/ him--most of those women are looking for a guy their own age too.
I am kind of like you, prefer exclusive quickly, loyal to a fault. I've tried dating multiples, it doesn't feel good to me. I was married young and for a long time, so when I got back out into the dating world, the dating multiples thing was really new to me.
To me, it leads to hurt feelings, usually on my end. I have now met someone who feels the same way about dating that I do, we were exclusive from about the third date (on MY end...I was still trying to do the multiples thing because I thought I HAD to).
Anyway, this is the scenario that works for us. Both of us are the type that feel that it's better to work on it with one person at a time than to juggle and feel like you're lying to someone. Does this work for everyone? No, but in this case we are both very happy with the situation.
If someone looks at dating the way you do, I think you will be happier finding that type of person than trying to play out something that doesn't work for you.
The main thought is to have all the knowledge that you can have and approach this with outcome in mind. First protect your money!! Get your retirement on track and are financially sound get that preNup!!!
Read the money and relationship board.
Read the mismatched libidos board
Here is another :http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2010/03/08/staying-on-the-job-is-marital-therapy-for-boomers/
Date for fun and experience. Date as many women as you can and have casual sex so sex does not lure you into a too quick marriage. Make sure your ambitions mesh with hers!!
You see I made all those mistakes.
I too almost never dated I married instead
I did not ck out what they saw the future to be
I had vastly different ideas of the life I wanted
Do not discount class and caste subcultural differences. It is rare to be able to take the home mileu out of the person. Love does not win all.
dRIVING FOR THE RIGHTS OF THE INDIVIDUAL
SINCE 1969
Wow, xxxs's message is real and hits home. I can see how men DO need to think this stuff through in a different way from women.
I'm older and I've often dated multiples. They come and they go; one drops out, another takes his place. No, I've never had sex with more than one at a time. It's difficult enough to find ONE man who attracts me. In other words, heh heh, I should be so lucky.
I think your heart will tell you. It may not be a bad idea to do the multiples right now in the beginning, to get a feel for different personalities, approaches, how various women will feel you out.
A friend of mine who makes a nice packet, but keeps quiet about it, had a first meet with a woman. "So," she said, about midway into the date. "What does a man in your position make in a year?"
Stuff like this is priceless. A bit of experience can't hurt.
I even agree with this:
"Date as many women as you can and have casual sex so sex does not lure you into a too quick marriage."
Quick marriages aren't my thing, but I can relate to this advice.
Also, it's all about asking the hard questions and listening to the answers. Goals, values in common, upbringing, integrity...all important when you're looking to start a family.
I'd rather hurt someone's feelings than be so nice that the boat never rocks.
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
Try the boards at AskMen
~~~
A friend of mine who makes a nice packet, but keeps quiet about it, had a first meet with a woman. "So," she said, about midway into the date. "What does a man in your position make in a year?" <<<
Whoops! Atleast she outed herself quickly.
I'm dating two men at the moment. To be honest, I'm having a bit of a struggle with it, only because I feel like I'm "lying" to them. Guy #1, I've been out with several times, and we've been intimate. Guy #2-after meeting up in a bar on St. Patrick's day--I'd written my number on a napkin and never thought I'd hear from him. I started dating guy #1 then guy #2 contacted me, and we met for coffee. But, guy #1 and I haven't said we are exclusive. However, I would not think of being intimate with guy #2 while still seeing guy #1.
It is very different to be dating more than one guy at a time for me. In the past, I've dated only one guy at a time, and getting serious rather quickly, only to have it end a short time later. Looking back, I realize I've been doing the clingy and too available thing. So I decided to change my tactics and fill my life with other things, so that I'm not sitting around waiting for guy #1 or 2 to call me.
It is a very new pattern but I feel like it's the better and healthier way.
I do wonder though, if guy #1 will want to be exclusive. Do I wait for him to bring it up? I do like him and would not date guy #2 if he wanted to be exclusive.
Went back and read through these threads again. It's been a while and things have moved along for you.
"I do wonder though, if guy #1 will want to be exclusive. Do I wait for him to bring it up? I do like him and would not date guy #2 if he wanted to be exclusive."
What do you want? You've got to be clear in your own mind.
Yeah, I've gotten intimate before "the talk" and it's usually been guys who are unable to be emotionally intimate and are looking for a superficial, easy connection. I don't mean they're dating multiples, but let's face it. I wasn't special to these guys. As a friend of mine puts it, "Those guys don't really feel the magic of Petulia."
A guy who thinks you're special wants you to be exclusive. If that's how you feel, have the discussion. Ask the hard question. It's a short question: Are you dating anyone else?
It's so true that when it works, everything is easy and the exclusive talk is almost unnecessary.
Here's the thing. IMO if you're intimate with someone, you should be able to talk about important stuff.
This is important.
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
And you are right, it's important to know what I want. I don't want to be alone as I get older, and I do want to have a meaningful relationship with someone. However, in the past I've fallin too fast and then gotten hurt. So I'm really trying to not do that this time.
As for guy #2, I am going to have lunch with him this week but I don't think I will be seeing him again. It somehow doesn't seem right after the talk I had with guy #1, even if it doesn't work out the way I want.
I have discovered a few things about myself lately though, that I have some trust issues, and also insecurities, which I'm working through on my own. It sure is tough being almost 50 and still working on me! :)
I like this:
"I have discovered a few things about myself lately though, that I have some trust issues, and also insecurities, which I'm working through on my own. It sure is tough being almost 50 and still working on me! :)"
I think it would be worse to be almost/over 50 and not workin' it.
So, bravo to all of us who do!
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
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