I keep falling into the same trap

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
I keep falling into the same trap
Sun, 02-27-2011 - 12:47pm

Hello everyone, I'm hoping I've come to the right place, because I really need some objective advice from people who are in the same boat (all of my friends are married or in ltr's). I have been divorced for over 6 years and my love life has been a mess ever since. I am successful at my career, a director of an international firm. I am a no nonsense, just give me the facts kind of woman who keeps emotion out of business. But in my personal life I am like a giddy little girl with zero self-control. It's like I have multiple personalities and none of my work colleagues would guess that I am such a goop when it comes to my personal life.

I have fallen in "love" often, I jump in without looking. Usually with men who are needy or hurting and want me to "fix" them. All the men I date are

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Sun, 02-27-2011 - 6:32pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-27-2011 - 7:01pm

I'm not sure I really know the answer to this but looking at it as an outsider, don't you think it's weird that you just reconnected w/ this guy you haven't seen for 25 yrs, so really don't know him at all as an adult, and he's already talking about moving back to your town "if things work out."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Sun, 02-27-2011 - 11:27pm

Yikes...you guys hit the nail on the head! I know I contradict myself. It's like I know how it is, but I'm also hoping that I am

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-01-2011 - 10:50am
I look at repeating behavioral patterns of myself in order to 1) first be consciously aware of them and 2) consciously change them. I believe there are unconscious reasons that drive us to behave the way we do.

My pattern was attracting angry women. I realized that my unconscious reason was because my Mother was angry. She was loving with her children but angry toward my Father.

All my relationships were with women who were kind but the anger toward men came out later in different and subtle ways. I realized that unless I address that *unconscious* part of my mother stuff then I will keep on attracting such women. I invite you to examine that, probably best with a therapist so they can help you address that unconscious and childhood stuff that energetically attracts these men to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sun, 03-06-2011 - 9:41pm

Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong by Barbara DeAngelis

This book is written by a woman who kind of dove head first into relationships like you. She analyzes how we pick partners (like mhash mentioned, we subconsciously try to redo/undo something). I thought it was a good read. In fact she had a rule - no life altering decisions in the first 6 months! That would include engagement.

Women & Love: Finding True Love While Staying True to Yourself: The Eight Make-Or-Break Experiences in Women's Lives by Mira Kirshenbaum

I also enjoyed this book.

Usually with men who are needy or hurting and want me to "fix" them.

Another one geared towards that:

Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself by Beverly Engel

(just check out the reviews on Amazon.com. I think the table of contents my jump out at you) You sound like the "rescuer" woman. Something is driving you to do that.
Maybe check out some relationship books to see if there are other things you can try (or avoid) for the future? Perhaps they will give a new perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Mon, 03-07-2011 - 12:56pm

I think it's great that you recognize your pattern.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Wed, 03-09-2011 - 12:25am

First of all, my heart goes out to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2011
Sun, 04-03-2011 - 9:40pm

You sound alot like myself, right down to Christian Ministry and being reunited with an old crush.