I messed up...are we doomed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
I messed up...are we doomed?
3
Sun, 04-28-2013 - 8:04pm

I screwed up, drank too much and had sex on a first date. I really like this guy (obviously. haha). We're going out again next week and although he has been sporadic with his contact, it hasn't been anything unusual for a guy I've only been on one date with. But that fact that we had sex just sort of complicates the whole thing.

We talked about it and I told him it was a mistake and that it can't happen again until we get to know each other better. He seemed to understand and promised not to rush me, but then the next minute he started making all these sexual innuendos.

I'm worried that he's only in it for the sex. I guess I only have myself to blame for that. But is there any way to recover from this? And how do I find out his true intentions without resorting to the dreaded "where is this going?" talk? Ugh. Way too early for that. I guess I should just wait it out and see if anything develops, but like I said, I really like this guy and I'm already getting my heart tangled up in him.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 2:01pm

jilliansway wrote:
<p>I screwed up, drank too much and had sex on a first date. I really like this guy (obviously. haha). We're going out again next week and although he has been sporadic with his contact, it hasn't been anything unusual for a guy I've only been on one date with. But that fact that we had sex just sort of complicates the whole thing.</p><p>We talked about it and I told him it was a mistake and that it can't happen again until we get to know each other better. He seemed to understand and promised not to rush me, but then the next minute he started making all these sexual innuendos.</p><p>I'm worried that he's only in it for the sex. I guess I only have myself to blame for that. But is there any way to recover from this? And how do I find out his true intentions without resorting to the dreaded "where is this going?" talk? Ugh. Way too early for that. I guess I should just wait it out and see if anything develops, but like I said, I really like this guy and I'm already getting my heart tangled up in him.</p>

There is no reason to have a "where is this going" talk right now.  Things went the way both of you wanted it to go in that moment.  Own that.  You're both adults with healthy libidos and robust abandon. (you two did use protection, right?) There is no relationship to talk about at the moment.  Just enjoy each other's company for the time being and don't go to his place or allow him to come to your place at the end of the date. And no drinking!!

He may be in this for only sex or he may lose interest before you next date rolls around.  The only way I can think of to recover from this is to learn from this--you may not have much with this guy as the days wear on, depending upon his real opinion of women who give it up on the first date.  He just may be a bawdy, incorrigible flirt or he may turn up his nose and think if you gave it up that easily to him, you must do it with other guys. Time will only tell which of the two kinds of guy he is.

You can't beat yourself up over what happened.  If this is meant to be, then he'll be a guy with bawdy, flirty humor who feels he's found a kindred spirit in you and you will find a lot of connection with him and go forth happily.   It has happened in the past that sex on the first date did not impede the progress of a relationship---it's rare that it does, but it does happen.  Meantime, understand the consequences and reproach that you will heap upon yourself the next time you think it's a good idea to drink too much and have sex with a guy on the first date... and proceed in a fashion where you do not put yourself in that situation ever again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 4:02pm

I think the only way to find out if he's just in it for sex is to stick with your plan not to have sex and see what happens.  He may see it as a challenge now that you've already had sex once to get you to do it again or he may be annoyed and feel that you're a tease.  But if people like each other, I can't see that the guy would drop you just because you had sex too early.  I've been married twice and both times I ended up having sex with those guys pretty early on--but I also didn't try going backwards to not having sex either--I mean once you've gone past that point it's hard to go back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Mon, 04-29-2013 - 6:34pm

Jilliansway-

Hi. While sex on the first date is generally considered a bad idea, it's quite common. Also, except for some devoutly religious people, most women don't wait much longer nowadays to jump into bed. There are plenty of people who sleep together almost immediately and end up married. My wife and I didn't wait much. So, you're not automatically doomed.

Yes, you want to make sure he doesn't just want you for one thing. I wouldn't stop having sex with him though. Doing so can be awkward and complicated. Instead, insist on spending significant time getting to know each other as people--and then as a reward immediately afterwards, you'll spread your legs for him. For instance, you meet on a weekend morning, spend a whole day doing things together/hanging out in public places and then afterwards your clothes come off....

Good luck.