Is it moral to date while only separated

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Is it moral to date while only separated
15
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 5:10pm

I’ve posed this question to several people and I’ve gotten divided response. I wondered what y’all thought.

Is it moral to date someone else when you’re separated but not yet divorced? Forget “moral” – is it socially acceptable? Does the answer change whether you’ve filed or not yet?

A workshop leader I talked to (Catholic-based divorce workshop) said that it’s acceptable to date while separated and not divorced, that it’s not “cheating.” And that sex in that situation was immoral in the same way as it is in pre-marital situations, but not adulterous since you’re seeking the termination of the marriage.

A therapist I asked said it was completely moral to date while separated as long as you’ve made it clear to your spouse that it is o.v.e.r. in no uncertain terms. But he also said that children should not be privy to this until “the gavel falls.”

A book on marital separation I read talked about dating and even sex as a forgone conclusion during this period, even before divorce is final.

Friends seem split on the topic. My father was aghast that I would consider dating (not that I’ve been asked, it’s a hypothetical) before a divorce is final. I feel weird about it, like it’s not quite right, but part of me also wonders what’s wrong with seeing a movie with someone for a little companionship once in a while?

What do you all think?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 7:13pm
I would not use the word moral. I would use the word respect, of how I want to be respected and what I want out of dating. Everyone has their own definition of separation - in my eyes someone is not separated until they have legally filed for separation or divorce. I know too many people who walked out of marriages, get involved in relationships as if they are not married, and don't mention a word about filing - what's up with that? If it's over, then why don't people file for divorce so that they can move on. I don't understand that whole situation because I know I would not want to get involved with someone who is legally married. What can someone who is legally married offer me as far as an honest/true commitment and if I were married, poor guy because I could not offer him an honest/true commitment. I became widowed 7 years ago and took the time to grieve and rediscover myself first before moving on. What's the hurry to date again? As mentioned in a previous post, go out with your girlfriends, enjoy rediscovering yourself by doing the things you like to do, and focus on making yourself number one.

Anna

 

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 3:20am

You are still legally married so no matter how long you have been separated or how long the marriage has been "dead," the guy will be dating a married woman.

If you want companionship for a movie or other activities, you can always draw on friends or do it in groups.

More often than not, the single person is being used as an emotional band-aid to get over the bad marriage. Some are OK being the guy/gal to have fun with someone that is on the rebound, others find that they get emotionally tied up with the married person and find out that they are just the transition guy/gal.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:08am

I was in pretty much the same situation as you i_am_fine_now. My marriage ended years before I actually asked for a divorce. I think as long as you are mentally and emotionally detached from a former spouse (and a divorce is at least in the process) that it wouldn't be wrong to date if you meet a man that seems to fit your idea of a good one. BUT ... that said I think it is IMPORTANT to be honest with the person you are dating and tell them the situation (at least if it turns into more than one date).

Good luck to you!

Avatar for daisy7682
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:52pm
Take it for what it's worth as I have never been married, but...I would consider myself pretty traditional. I think that as far as dating - you are 100% ok. I think if you and your spouse have said "It's over" then it's over - judge, legalities, etc. or not. The sex thing is a bit harder - I think. If you don't have kids, I'd say whether or not you have sex applies to the same rules you had for yourself before you were married - are you ready? Is it what you want? If so - go for it. If you have kids I would be a bit more cautious. So anyway...hope this helped a bit. :)
Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 4:09pm
I agree with tami-kins. I am currently separated. We decided to separate in January but were still sharing the same house with the kids until the beginning of April. Anyway, my husband and I talked about it and decided that even though the logistics were still being worked out that we should not wait to move on and that we should go ahead and date other people if we found someone. Well, I did and I don't feel like I am cheating on my husband. My marriage was over long before the separation so I feel like I have been alone emotionally for years. I think it all depends on the situation and how dating makes you feel. If it makes you feel uncomfortable then don't do it. After we decided on the separation and to date other people, everyone I knew even those not close (co-workers, etc.) commented on how happy/relieved I looked. I felt free, my husband was very controlling. Anyway, I am having a good time and haven't found anyone for a long term relationship yet, but will work on it. I guess the posts on this thread probably aren't helping too much as you are getting mixed advice still. I just thought I would give you my feelings since I am currently in the situation. Good Luck and do what you feel in your heart.

Pages