Just a Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Just a Question
6
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 6:55pm
How long after a separation do you wait to start dating? Although I just split with my husband the marriage has been dead for a long time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
In reply to: tsmart3us
Sun, 11-23-2008 - 7:34am
No one has set any standard as to when's the right time to date.. It varies from person to person. Here are my questions, are you emotionally healed and ready for a new relationship? have you work on the "YOU" PART?--meaning if you reflected deep within you to work on your personal issues as to why your past relationships failed... that maybe its not just your previous partners to be blamed neither the circumstances alone but also your part or role as a potential partner.. Do you feel innate happiness within your self? what about self esteem issues? unless you work on this as the process of healing, you can never be ready to get into another relationship no matter how much time you spend waiting. I'd say leave your expectations behind, heal yourself first,boost your self esteem, act like a prize cause your worthy of genuine love, live your life and your passion to the fullest, discover what you want in life and pursue it, set your standards in finding a potential partner--meaning you have to set the non-negotiable characters you look for in a guy and if a new guy you like possess those, then he deserves to date you...otherwise, he's a jackass lol (kidding!)I know this is stereotyped but I'd say it anyway---Unless you feel complete with yourself, you can never share your life with anyone cause no one's oblige to complete you..=) goodluck! Godbless=)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
In reply to: tsmart3us
Mon, 11-24-2008 - 8:42am

Here I go again sounding like a broken record, but take some time to grieve and heal.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
In reply to: tsmart3us
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 8:02am

I had the same situation...dead marriage for a few years before separation. My ex moved out in Feb 07 and I was divorced by May. But I KNEW I was in no position to date (my ex, on the other hand, has been living with someone for a year now...jerk). I had a life in upheaval, kids to worry about...there was simply no time or energy to add someone to my life.

Yes, it does get LONELY. But that is the WORST way to approach dating. Get your companionship from friends, families, coworkers for now. I actually made myself take a full year from the divorce before I even considered dating, because I didn't think it was right to make any guy have to deal with my issues.

Even at the beginning of dating I was not very good at it. I didn't know what I wanted and it sort of messed up a little relationship I was in. Now I approach it as not NEEDING to have someone, but wanting someone and I seem to be having better luck.

Don't let anyone tell you when to start. Some people were shocked that I wasn't dating immediately, others are shocked that I am dating now. It's just what works for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2008
In reply to: tsmart3us
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 1:44am

I'm new on this site...but just had to respond to your post. I have been separated for a year, and have been emotionally done with my marriage long before that. My divorce is not near over, but we are doing mediation and hopefully it will be soon.

I think the best answer is "when YOU are ready." You might even think you are and dive back in to dating, then realize you're not....like me :-) I still go back and forth on whether I am ready. I know that I WANT a fulfilling, healthy, loving relationship, however I know that I can't provide that yet, because I would want to keep any new man a secret from my soon-to-be-ex. I have been casually dating (10 times in 7 months) a separated man, and am finally realizing HE can't give me what I need either. I have become way too emotionally attached, even though neither of us can do a relationship right now. I'm considering backing out of the dating scene altogether, and risking losing someone I really like, just to get my s**t together and focus on finishing the divorce. I'm going to make "healthy dating" my incentive.

My married friend keeps saying, "This is a very unique time for you...enjoy being single, because it will not last forever." I think there is some merit to that. It gets very lonely...but I think this is just temporary. I don't know if I helped any, but I want you to know you're not alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
In reply to: tsmart3us
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 5:00pm

Yes even tho love has not been in the relationship for a while its still a loss (a death, so to speak).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
In reply to: tsmart3us
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 5:09pm

There is nothing wrong with wanting friends to hang out with.


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