A Little Thing That Happens in my Head

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2008
A Little Thing That Happens in my Head
10
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 2:10pm

I just realized that I do this, and I think it may explain part of why I'm still single.


Sometimes, when I'm out on a first date, and he's into me, and well, he seems kind of nice, so I'm thinking that I'll see him again, and he's talking like people do on first dates.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 11:22am

OK, I spit my coffee out laughing.

Questions:
1. How long have you been dating since your last divorce?
2. These guys that want to kiss you...have you been attracted to them or is it just they are attracted to you?
3. Are you saying you're OK with kissing them now when they're in their 40s but can't imagine kissing them when they are 65?

I'd venture a guess and say that if you were really attracted to the guy, none of this would matter. I'd also like to add: I'm in my 50s, and yes, many of the guys I'm meeting look really old, but then, perhaps I look really old to them (although I color my hair, am a good weight and dress stylishly). I don't so much mind old as long is he's in reasonably good shape and not fat. Another thing to consider: an "older" man has a LOT more experience, if you know what I mean. And 40 ain't old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 1:40pm

I somewhat agree w/ the OP in that if you're really into someone you're not worrying about what they are going to look like in 20 yrs. By the way, look at some 70 yr old women you know and think about how you are going to look at that age--but hey, by then, your eyesight is going to go anyway. I got married for the 2nd time at 43 and believe me, my 2nd DH (who's now my ex) isn't great looking by any means. His weight has gone up & down at least 50 lbs. during the time I've known him, mostly because of medical conditions, not because of dieting or not. When I 1st met him, he was heavy, then he lost a lot of weight, then he got on some medication and gained it back, and recently (after we separated) he lost it again because he has been sick. But when he gained weight, it was all in his torso, so he'd have a big stomach, but it seemed like his arms & legs didn't get any bigger, so they were like sticks. His nephew called him "uncle chicken legs" and he also had no butt. But we were "in love" at one time and also in "lust" and he was a very good lover, so I never really thought much about what he looked like.

By the way, my 81 yr old uncle just got a new girlfriend. I assume she's around his age. He was married to his first wife for over 40 yrs, she died, then he married another lady (his age) and unfortunately, she also died a year or so ago. It's funny to think that he's such a chick magnet, but I guess for his age--he's a nice guy and he's very active.

I think if you continue to have these problems, you should really see a therapist to get over it, otherwise, you're never going to have a relationship. I just don't think going w/ a much younger guy is the way to go--it's nice for a fling, but not really if you want a l.t. relationship. I mean if you went out w/ a guy who looked like George Clooney or some other handsome 40 yr old movie star, would you still not want to kiss him because he was 40? If that's so, then I think you really have a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2008
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 2:42pm

Flo,


Glad I brought a chuckle into your day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 9:29am

When I was 20, the thought of kissing a 40-something was gross (even if he was a millionaire).

After my divorce (in my 40's), I dated some men who were the hottest kissers I have ever experienced. Both were approaching 50, and it was waayyyy better than when I was in my 20's.

Do I want to kiss a 70-something today? Hell no, that's my step-fathers age. But if I can find a great kisser in my 70's, I'll consider myself blessed!

Chill out! Just because he's older doesn't make him gross!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 9:36am

Oh, and I wanted to add...

When I married at 24, I had a "type": thin, taller than me, a certain bone structure, blue eyes...Well, I married him and he turned out to be a jerk

Fast forward 21 years...My "type" now: must be really, really nice to me, smart, funny, get my sense of humor.

Haven't found one guy in this category who is thin, great cheekbones, etc. The last guy I dated for four months was very heavy around the middle, had no neck, totally not good looking. But so amazing in the sack, made me laugh myself silly. He had some issues, so I moved on, but he still likes me, I like him. What I am saying is because he made me FEEL a certain way, the body thing was no longer a requirement.

Right now I have been seeing a guy who is balding, has bad acne scars, a huge gut (great blue eyes, though), and makes me FEEL great when I am around him. So I can overlook the visuals because I FEEL good.

It's hard to overlook the visuals, I know. I am an artist, and I am all about the visuals. But as I get older, it's so much nicer to feel good than have eye candy on my arm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 10:48am

I do know what you mean about middle aged guys though. Except for the movie stars, I see a lot of 50ish guys and they are just not good looking, but I look at myself and think I'm not so great either. The funny part is when you go on those internet dating sites, this very average looking 50 yr old guy will be looking for a thin, beautiful woman 20 yrs younger than him. Let's get real here! I guess that's why I haven't been able to psych myself up for OLD yet.

Funny--there are these guys who eat breakfast in the neighborhood donut shop probably 6 days a week. One day I decided to eat breakfast there & a couple of them started talking to me and I was wondering if they were kind of flirting. They were almost 80! I had a good laugh--I told my mom I met someone for her. But they were pretty good looking for their age, like if I was 70 instead of 50, I would want to date them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Fri, 04-10-2009 - 1:16pm

Just decline the kisses, just because a man wants to kiss us does not mean we have to let them.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Sun, 04-12-2009 - 10:42am

I had to laugh about the comment that some men don't learn from experience. My ex was never a good kisser. Believe me, I tried to help him with lots of practice, but in 20+ years he got worse (sloppier, less willing to try) not better. Fast forward to his current dating site ad where he says that he is not a good kisser but he is willing to be taught. Apparently he is telling himself that I just wasn't the right teacher. Good luck to him. :rolleyes:

Seriously, I do think that one of the nice things about dating "older" is that you know what you are getting. When you match up in your twenties, there is the expectation that you will change and grow together. When you match up in your forties and fifties (or later, I suppose) each of you pretty much knows who he or she is and you can also see what the other person is like. You either match or you don't match.

You don't have to kiss anyone you don't find attractive. If the guy insists, then he is definitely not for you. It's not like a handshake, where refusing is just plain rude.

Eventually you will find someone you want to kiss. Until then, just say no (politely),

Bela

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 8:47am

Hi there. I know this isn't a new thread, but I just started reading this board last night and got on again this morning to read some of the threads that I missed.

Have to comment on the *good kisser* and teaching a guy how to kiss issue.

I dated a really bad bad kisser. Several rounds--going back to the ole waterhole, as I call it. Trying him again. And yes, I DID try to teach him and he improved a bit, but his problem had to do with surgery and loss of feeling in the chin area, so he never got into the kissing thing. We've become friends and now I get to hear how he's making out with his date and how he's not really into kissing, but he does it because she likes kissing.

So, it seems that men know whether or not they're good kissers. This guy is pretty upfront with me about that sort of thing; in fact, now I cut him off when he starts giving me TMI.

Fact is I can't *do* bad kissers. Kissing is too important and if I'm dating someone, kissing is part of the attraction. It's BIG.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Sun, 04-19-2009 - 11:26am

Obviously I could handle a "bad kisser" when I was in love with him, or I wouldn't have married my ex. But it is true that I thought he would learn. (He also thought I would learn to fall asleep without having to read, with the light on, for an hour or so. We were both wrong.)

I did teach my ex not to slobber all over my face, but for all I know he took it as further proof that I didn't love him as he wanted to be loved and now he is slobbering over his dates' faces. I've noticed that a lot of times people (not just men) say that they want to learn something, but what what they really want is to be applauded and validated for what they do (wrong). I'm as guilty as the next person. I have terrible handwriting, but I long for people to tell me that it is "individual" instead of "illegible." :)

It's nice that your friend keeps trying to kiss better. He may find someone who appreciates his other good qualities and doesn't mind too much that he is a bad kisser.