Long-time friend wants to date exclusively

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Long-time friend wants to date exclusively
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 12:57am

I've been friends with J for 17 years.  Lately, I noticed he calls and comes around more often than ever.  I want to mention that he knows all the details of my dating life.  I've always known that he sorta has a thing for me, but he's never acted on on...and years ago, I had a major crush on him, but we never connected...I got over it, and moved on with life.  Anyway, recently we were alone together at my house and things started happening.  We ended up sleeping together!  He professed his love to me during the act...and then again the next day.  He made a comment that now I have a decision to make. I know he means that now I must decide if I want to be in a relationship with him or continue seeing S.  S is not a serious relationship.  It is sexual, but more importantly, he is a dear friend.  I don't want to end my friendship with S at all, but our relationship will never be more than it is...and we are both ok with the situation.  I don't know what to do!  Part of me wants to give J a try.  I've been lonely and have been longing to have a loving companion, but on the other hand, I don't want to mess up my friendship with J by getting romantically involved...and also don't want to ruin things with S.  I know J is waiting by to see what's going to happen with S since J and I recently crossed the bedroom line.  I'm actually going out wth S in 2 days--which we had planned a few days before all this happened.    Confused!

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 3:14pm
I guess part of the risk of going forward with a romantic relationship with someone, a friend especially, is that if things do not work out, then that relationship may be lost altogether. Friendship and all. It does not necessarily have to ruin it, if the parties involved can be big enough about it, but usually doesn't work out that way.

It is also unfortunate that other friends of the opposite sex must also be kept at more of a distance once you become involved. It just gets trickier. But its also another risk you take or consequence of pursuing love.

I believe only you can judge how important it is for you to pursue this thing with J. Do you want it bad enough? Do you really see a chance of it working out? I would not pursue it if you think it is really just you trying to solve your loneliness problem and it doesn't really have a chance long-term.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 8:22pm
I think this is more of a question, at this point, of which friend do you want to lose? The most likely guesses at scenerios - date J, and S has hurt feelings and most likely bails or J will never trust S being around and that will cause problems for everyone as long as S is around.
Dump J, he will bail with hurt feelings and S won't want him around. If keeping friendships is your concern at this point, then the only solution is to end intimacy with both, give it some time, and try to resume a non-sexual relationship with them. Both being dumped will lessen any jealousy and give the friendships a chance to continue.
It sounds like loneliness is a huge concern for you, though, and not a ringing endorsement of either of these guys. However, based on that, you've already made it clear that S has no long term potential and a real relationship is what you want, so in that case, J is the better chance.
All in all, I would recommend not sleeping with friends if you don't want to mess things up, but it's already past that recommendation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 11:00pm


Hi. Once you get sexual with a friend, things are changed. It is difficult to go back to how things were before. You just have to accept that the line has already been crossed with both J and S. You meanwhile need to think of what is best for you, not who may be hurt. Do you think J would be a good boyfriend or husband? If so, go for it. If not, tell him you don't want a serious relationship with him.