Mixed signals

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Mixed signals
Wed, 05-15-2013 - 3:26pm

About a month ago I had a first date, got drunk and had sex (I posted about it). To my surprise, the guy didn't bolt, but when I told him I wanted to take a step back and get to know each other better before we hit the sheets again he did not take it well. He started to pressure me and calling me a tease. I admit I was being a tease, but not on purpose. I was tempted and I would just pull back at the last minute. He saw it as me trying to control him with sex, even though we had very open communication about what we both want.

Anyway, in the end I decided there was no middle ground. I didn't want to be with someone who made conditions and who refused to respect my feelings and my beliefs (I'm a Christian and I WAS celibate). We had an awesome 2 hour closure talk where I realized that he wasn't really being a jerk, just being honest about what he wanted/expected and it didn't mesh with what I want/expect. So buh-bye.

A few days later I text him "I miss you." Yeah. I know. Ugh. And yes, alcohol was involved. He asked me to come over. By then I was completely sober, but I went over and one thing led to another and, well...we had one heck of a night. {ahem...best EVER}

That was 4 days ago. We have texted every day since, but he's not much of a texter so I'm trying hard not to read into anything. He's not the type to text "good morning" but when he has something to say he'll text. We haven't talked about our night together, nor about the status of this "relationship" or whatever it is. And he hasn't made plans to see me. Granted, we've both been super busy. But I feel like if he was really into me he would make an effort to make sure I knew that.

Am I being too impatient? I mean, if sex wasn't in the mix here I don't think I'd mind this begining-of-the-relationship type of scanty communication. We're both still trying to figure out the situation and whether we want to be together. But the sex is making me super insecure and clingy. What if he's with someone else? What if he just wants a booty call? What if, what if, what if. Ugh.

I realize that I'm the one sending mixed signals and I did tell him I don't want a relationship, but that I'm open to it if it seems right. Also, before we broke up that one time I did tell him that I won't have sex with someone unless I know I'm the only one. That led to "the talk" where we determined that neither of us is seeing/sleeping with anyone else, but that's when I told him I don't want a relationship and I just want to date him to see where it will go, but that I can't have sex with him until I know where it is going. And then I have sex with him anyway. Oi. He must think I'm 10 shades of crazy right now.

So my question is, should I just sit and wait for him to initiate the next moves? Or, since I'm the one being wishy washy, should I approach him and have a chat about the other night and explain my situation/feelings/thoughts?


Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 05-15-2013 - 10:26pm

  When you are giving mixed signals it is important to understand why.  You enjoy sex.  You really enjoyed sex with him.  Then you made a mistake.  You were of two minds,not one.  You got the relationship dogma confused with you as a human being.  

    Often our bodies know what we want before we can intellectuality admit it.  You admit this you body is saying sex me while you mind is telling you to ignore and do what ??? told you it was supposed to be like.  

  "But I feel like if he was really into me he would make an effort to make sure I knew that."

  This is real life not a harlequin romance.  This is closer to being a bodice ripper. There is your dilemma.  You are caught between being a human being and the supposed to be's. 

  since I'm the one being wishy washy, should I approach him and have a chat about the other night and explain my situation/feelings/thoughts?

  There is the real problem.  You have to decide who you are.  Dogma or human.  Not a easy choice.  But make one.  Then live it with no regrets.

     I already know who you are but until you do it does not mean a thing.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-15-2013 - 10:49pm

I don't know how you could possibly explain your feelings until you decide what you want.  You're all over the map here.  I think what happens a lot is that a young woman (I assume you're young) is raised to have certain beliefs where she shouldn't have sex outside of marriage or at least a serious relationship.  But you really want to have sex, so you use the excuse of "I'm drunk--I didn't expect it to happen, it just happened."  or "I went to his place and one thing led to another, as if you had no control over what happened.  That's really B.S., sorry to say--if you are sure you don't want to have sex with a guy, you could control that situation by not going to his house where you are going to be alone and tempted--if you were out to dinner in a restaurant & stayed there, you could be certain that you wouldn't have sex.  I believe I said that before.

So now you had sex and you feel guilty about it & it's making you crazy & clingy.  It's been 4 days and he's been texting you so it's not like he's totally ignoring you--but you need validation that you didn't make a bad decision so you want him to ask you out again--and then what?  Are you going to try to go back to the "I'm a good Christian and I don't want to have sex."  Frankly if I were him I'd be pretty mad at that--I think that ship has sailed and if you're going to keep seeing him, you might as well admit that you're going to keep having sex--and I really hope you are prepared & using some form of birth control.

Another thing I don't understand is your statement that you don't want a relationship, but you're open to it--so what is it?  Do you want one or not? And if you don't want casual sex, then wouldn't it be better to look for a relationship and not just a hookup?  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Wed, 05-15-2013 - 11:53pm
"I already know who you are but until you do it does not mean a thing." You know who I am? Who am I?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Thu, 05-16-2013 - 12:15am

Thank you for the responses. What you guys have said mirrors my thoughts exactly. I AM all over the map. The truth is I DO want a relationship. With him. But I want to play it safe and take things slow. My last relationship hurt me and it has taken a long time to recover. I can't go through that again. But there's just something about him. I'm willing to get closer to him than to anyone else in the last 3 years.

Maybe I'm waiting for him to take the lead. If he courts me (yeah I know...Harlequin Embarassed I am a romance author, by the way, so that may have something to do with my delusions. lol). Anyway...if he courts me I'm game and yes, I know that would include sex and I would be okay with that if we had a true relationship. And if he wants to ditch me or use me for sex, then good riddance.

I just need to know! He told me he never ends a relationship, so I'm afraid he's just stringing me along until I get the hint. But dang it, rip the band aid off!! I saw him tonight by accident. I had to drop by our mutual Wednesday night hang out to pick up something and he showed up earlier than I expected (he's usually late to this event each week). When he saw me his eyes very clearly said "oh sh*t". Then he punched me in the arm. Huh?? Like "hey buddy, old pal." We did chat for a while, but there were a ton of people around so it was just idle chit chat. Oh, and I had my kids with me. My kids! Ugh. I was 45 minutes early. We should have been long gone before he even showed up. He seemed cool with it though, didn't even faze him. But that might have been because he's already written me off and knows he never has to deal with them.

Anyway, so yeah, you're right. I do need to figure out what I want instead of waiting for him to take the lead. And if I were to be honest, I want him. For real. Sex and all. But it has to be all or nothing with me. Not to justify my actions, but because that's just how I'm wired. And I know that there is no way he and I can casually date and not have sex. The attraction is too strong. And there are a TON of other reasons I want to be in a relationship with him. And the more I think about it, the more I'm willing to take this big risk that I'll be hurt again. Because I think he may just be worth the leap of faith.

Now, what do I do? Sit on my thumbs and wait by the phone agonizing over every text? Or tell him what I want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 10:34am

When I read your first post, I thought you must be very young, so I am surprised to find out you are old enough to have kids--another reason you can't really pretend like you're some innocent virgin.  I think you already went past "taking things slow" or you wouldn't have had sex with him so soon, so that's kind of out.  I also think that women (and I'm a woman) should get over saying that men "use" us for sex--we need to take responsibility for our own actions.  Unless the guy got  you drunk purposely to seduce you, you are responsible for your own decision to have sex early into the relationship and you take the risk that things won't work out.  I do understand that you wouldn't want the guy to be having sex with other women too--I wouldn't want that either.  

I think since you have been giving him mixed signals, that if things are going to continue, you should have a talk with him & admit that & tell him what you are interested in--if I read you correctly, you are interested in an exclusive relationship with him.  the thing is that you can never protect yourself from getting hurt--every romantic relationship is taking a chance because even if people go into things with the best of intentions, someone might just decide after trying to develop a relationship with you that you are just not a good match.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 1:33pm

No I'm not very young, I'm in my 30's. And I'm not using alcohol as an excuse. I do take responsibility, but I know things would have gone differently if I'd stayed sober on our first date. So I'm definitely kicking myself here.

He finally asked to see me, but when here's how the text convo went:

Him: Ok...so when do I get to see you again?

Me: I'm free Tuesday

Him (6 hours later): Ok

Me: Ok?

Him: See u Tues

Me: What are we doing?

Him: Undecided

Me: Wow. Really?

Him: Afterall...it is Tuesday. I'm guessing that means you can't stay the night.

So yeah, it's clear that he's only interested in sex. And yes, he would be "using" me. A user is someone who selfishly goes after what he/she wants without concern for how it affects the other person. Would I be responsible if I allowed myself to be used? Of course. But that doesn't change the fact of his intentions.

At least now I know. I told him we want different things and I wasn't interested in being a &*%$ buddy. He did a little back pedalling ("We don't have to &*%$, I just enjoy holding you in my arms even when we're out.") but he hasn't made an attempt at setting up an actual date.

So it appears my saga is over. I knew this about him from the start, I just didn't want to see it. Moving on...

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 2:52pm

Wow, well you are right, he is definitely only interested in one thing. My definition of using would be if he misrepresented himself as interested in a real relationship, when in actuality he was only interested in the booty call. Ih he is up front about and/or obvious in just wanting the booty call, then if you accept that and go with it, then it would not be using, or if anything you would both be using each other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-17-2013 - 3:26pm

Yes he showed his true colors there.  He doesn't even pretend to want the date & have sex later--all he's concerned about is whether you can stay over.  It's good that you asked him what you were doing--don't settle for these guys who just want you to "hang out" at their homes and watch TV for a while & then you can have sex, unless what you want is a purely sexual relationship.  If I want a real relationship w/ someone (which I do) we actually have to go out & do things where we can get to know each other.