iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2008
Thu, 05-30-2013 - 10:04pm

Hello Everyone,

I started dating this guy for a few months and we’ve decided that we want to be in a committed relationship as a couple. I’m booked for a vacation to fly out of the country with him and a few of my co-workers. I introduced him to a few of my co-workers last month and he happened to really think my young (married) co-worker was very funny and cool. (She known in the office for having a bubbly, spunky, humorous personality) He openly asked this co-worker in front of me what her instant messenger name was to chat online and she encouraged me to chat with my bf online while we are at work b/c she does it w/ her friends and it makes the day go by faster. He asked me really quick if it was ok while my co-workers were talking amongst themselves and I agreed reluctantly because I didn’t want to look like I was jealous to him.

The problem is: He online chats with her and me while we are at work at the same time. If I go to her desk she says me and your bf chatted this morning and last night, He’s so stupid she playfully says (which I don’t like). I read one of the recent conversations that she openly decided to show me in which they call each other “Bro & Sis” and are talking about how excited they are about our vacation and she mentioned to him that she is graduating from school and he said that we would get her something. He doesn’t initate to tell me when he chats with her or what they talk about . I told him last week that I feel uncomfortable that they online chat and he told me he would stop talking to her but he views her as a lil sister and she is married & he "sees no big deal about it."and he told me before she’s not his type. When she showed me their recent convo, she wrote to him while I was standing there to say I was present and he wrote back to her to tell me that he misses me. After that convo, I told him a second time that I feel uncomfortable about them chatting but he nonchalantly says “what’s really the problem” she’s married” and he made me feel like I was telling him what to do.

Should I be upset that they are chatting with each other or he wants to be friendly with her since he thinks she’s cool and we are all going on vacation so he wants to be friendly w/ everyone. I haven’t told her how I felt b/c I feel like I don’t want to give her any satisfaction that I’m jealous. The relationship that I have w/ her and him are still new and I feel betrayed b/c now I feel he doesn’t want to stop talking to her now after he already has her login info and we are going on vacay. I'm concerned that they are going to chat again. This will be the 3RD TIME, I'll let him know how I feel.

Am I justified for feeling angry? How should I handle this situation???

Things to note:

-This co-workers is in her early 20s and I’m in my early 30 yrs and so is my boyfriend.

-I feel like my relationship is great with him (MINUS THIS SITUATION)

-I’ve only known her for a couple of months at work.

-I noticed that he takes 15-20 mins to respond to me on online chat but he writes her back in a few seconds when I’m standing there reading his quick responses.

-He told me in the past ppl have told him that he’s too nice

-He is very generous and has his own place, nice car & great job

-I’ve met his family,

-He introduced me to his child

-He’s helping me to move out of my apartment soon into a new one

-We are going on vacation together

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 05-30-2013 - 10:43pm

Male/female friendships are very common in one's early twenties when each person isn't in a commited relationship yet. When people do get into commited relationships, the male/female friendships usually go to the wayside or way back on the backburner for a reason. Who wants a boyfriend who says, "I'm going bowling with Becky. See you later."  I will take myself as an example. Of course I have male friends/co-workers on facebook but these are people who I do not e-mail, chat with, call or go to lunch with daily. Our communication is brief and sporadic. I could care less if I ever saw them again. When you have a friend of the opposite sex who you communicate with daily, that's being far too involved if either of you has a significant other. There are boundaries in a relationship. Otherwise, male/female friendships may turn into emotional affairs which can be as destructive as a physical affair. 

I chose a man who doesn't give other women his phone number. He doesn't communicate with any other woman on a daily basis except relatives. I don't have a favorite male co-worker and would never let myself get too friendly with one such as inviting him to lunch or going to his desk every day to chat and looking forward to seeing him. I don't let myself go there, nor do I want to, since I'm happily married. 

I don't think your boyfriend's going to change. He may be the type who likes the attention of other women, and no one woman will ever satisfy him. You've already told him this behavior upsets you. He doesn't care, or he would stop. He's showing you who he is. Believe him. If it were me, I wouldn't waste anymore of my time and energy on someone who puts his time and energy in any other woman besides me. Who needs that BS?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 6:08am

Am I justified for feeling angry? How should I handle this situation???

You are going on vacation (first time?) with you boyfriend and you have a few co-workers coming along.  I also assume it was your idea?  Why would you invite someone you have known for only a couple months to go on vacation with you and your boyfriend?  It almost looks like you are the one who created the "situation".

You are "justified" to feel however you feel and it is up to you to decide whether this is a deal breaker or not.  You also need to understand that while your feel that your relationship is great, he has not stopped doing something that obvioulsy bothers you very much.  Honestly, the chatting seems innocuous enough (albeit highly unprofessional to do so during work hours), and if you all were to go on vacation together, it makes sense that they should be friendly and enjoy each other's company.  But it makes you jealous, then perhaps the relationship is not as great as you imagine it to be ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 11:22am

I have had male work friends because I work with a lot of men (lawyer) that were purely platonic--we were not at all interested in each other and just talked at work--but I wouldn't be calling them outside of work.  I don't see anything wrong with eating lunch w/ a male coworker if you are just friends.  My exH was kind of a jealous guy but he would say that as long as I was telling him I was donig things he would know that there was nothing to worry about--it's when people feel they have to hide something that you have to worry.