Never been single in "the real world"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Never been single in "the real world"
58
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 7:27pm

Weird title I know, but wasn't sure how to describe my situation and ask for advice.

I've recently come out of a long relationship which stretched from college to over a year out of school. Now that I'm on my own, I'm wondering where and how I'll meet the next guy.

I feel like it was so easy to meet people in school...it's a safe environment, it's easy to start up conversations because you already know that you have that school environment in common..."what's your major? where do you dorm? did you hear about that stupid kid who...?"

I think that "safe environment" factor was huge for me. I was able to get to know people and take my time before becoming close friends (or in my ex's case, before jumping into a relationship).

My question is, how do you meet people in the real world? There are lots of friendly people at my job, but I don't intend on ever mixing work with romance (it seems dangerous and scary). I know I'm quite young so the whole bar/club scene is an option, but I'm not a random hook-up kind of girl. I prefer places where I can hear what people are saying, haha.

I'll be taking a class spring semester and hope to meet some nice people. I'm not hunting for dates because I'm still getting over my break-up, but if I go on one eventually, that would be nice. I've never actually dated in the traditional sense (my ex and I hung out and went out before we got together...but it never felt like "dating" because we were friends first), so I may be freaked out when it happens...

My college friends are either paired up with one another, or friends with people I'm not interested in, so I don't think they'll be the source of my next great love...I guess I need to learn how to go fishing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Thu, 12-25-2008 - 9:25am
Something to consider:
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Thu, 12-25-2008 - 8:16pm
That's a good bit of advice Kelly, thanks!
Getting to know people through friends or acquaintances sounds a lot more comfortable to me. It certainly seems better than the whole getting picked up at a bar thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 11:56am

Is it like a job interview with cocktails? Is it really awkward some huge percentage of the time?

That is funny, but an accurate description of what I think OLD is some of the time. Although when I was doing it, I would email the person enough to get an idea of whether we had common interests, so there was always something to talk about on the first date. But it was kind of like a job interview in a way, so I didn't put that much into it as far as hopes of a big relationship. I looked at it like--I get to go out to eat & have some adult conversation. There were really only 2 times when I just couldn't wait for the date to end, just because we really didn't hit it off.

Also I think you have to get out of the idea that guys are any more creepy or interested in sex than women are--most people out there are normal people who are also looking for a relationship. Sure, I think you have to be cautious--I cringe when I read stories of women who are assaulted or killed by a stranger they have just met, but it's usually a lack of common sense--leaving a bar late at night w/ a stranger is kind of crazy. But just think--nowadays everybody has a facebook or myspace page, so you can look up a lot of info on the internet, where years ago, you couldn't do that, so you can kind of get an idea of what they are like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2008
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 7:29pm
hello! I was in the similar
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2008
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 10:11pm
I joined an activities group in my city.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 1:31pm

Thank you vvs1princesscut and oilofangels for your perspectives and advice. =)
I totally agree that being happy on my own is the real objective here. Hopefully everything else should fall into place eventually.

Like you vvs1princesscut, I'm 23 as well. You're right, I'm way to young to be freaked out about finding someone to be with. (Deep inside that's not my objective right now anyway) There's lots of time for that. Since I've recently broken up with my ex, I should simply keep working on becoming my own (awesome) person. =)

Thanks and happy new year!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 12:34am

blueices,

Wow, your story is ridiculously similar to mine. I was friends with this girl all through high school, both go away to college...stay in close contact. Wind up getting together; in a serious rs right away. Stay together for about 5 years (about a year out of college). Then it ended and I was in the same boat you are in. Pretty inexperienced in the whole meeting other people, dating scene. Going on dates to me was always taking the girlfriend out for a nice dinner etc.

I really do not have a whole lot to offer you besides empathy because I am still searching on how to answer all the questions you asked. I am 24 (about a year since the breakup). I have more or less not been looking too much for dates because I don't feel in too good of a position to be dating (I am going back to school in a few weeks and thus will be tight on cash...which is not what girls around here like so much).

I've got a few things for you though...you can use meetup.com to find like minded people. Its not a dating site, but its a nice way to make new friends/meet new people. While the bar is not a very good place to meet people, it is a good way just to get comfortable talking to strangers. When you go out, just try and hold a conversation with someone you don't know for a few minutes (even if its another woman). A lot of it is just getting comfortable around people you do not know.

Finally, maybe just try and make new friends. You sound a lot like me, where you like to know someone in the platonic sense before you develop romantic feelings for them. Hope that helped somewhat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 11:31pm

Thanks for that, I totally agree with you there.

It's funny you mentioned meetup. I registered a few months ago but have yet to go to an event or meeting. I'm hoping once I move into my new place I'll have some more free time to do it. What are the kind of things you've done and how did it go? I'm not part of the obvious groups like the singles club/speed dating club or stuff like that. I'm going with my actual interests: photography,languages,etc. and hope to eventually go out and meet some nice folks. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 3:31pm

I kind of stumbled across meetup about a year ago. I don't do the 'singles' thing either...not really my cup of tea. First thing I joined was a running meetup group where people would jog around the lakes up here (can't really do that in the winter up here though).

Also, I started a book club and that was awesome. It was really easy to start and there were a lot of people interested in joining. I am moving away back to school here in a little bit so I've had to leave that but it was a good experience.

The best one was finding a bunch of older guys to play chess with on saturday mornings though. That too has kind of fallen to the wayside but I looked forward to saturday morning all week this past summer.

When are you moving by the way? Good luck on that, just to give you a little warning on it. When my rs ended and I moved out, I could not wait to get back out to a place I felt was mine. I kept thinking that the move was going to solve all of my problems for whatever reason...then when I did move, it was not as great as I hoped it to be. Not that you shouldn't look forward to moving and whatnot, but I just wanted to give tell you that for whatever reason. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Thu, 01-08-2009 - 8:50pm

I moved out of the apartment we shared before December and am currently living at home and looking for apartments. Being out of that apartment and surrounded by my family has done me a world of good. I have an independent streak though and want my own place.

I actually may sign the lease on an apartment tomorrow, but have been dissappointed by negotiations. I was told that they would renovate the kitchen and now they won't be doing it. I have to decide whether I should say "screw it" and take it or say "screw it" and dump it. Sigh. I think if I weren't in NYC, it would be a lot easier to pass on this place and go for another but (because I'm just out of school) finding a decent place is hard to come by and this is the only place I've liked so far in my price range. =(