Never been single in "the real world"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Never been single in "the real world"
58
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 7:27pm

Weird title I know, but wasn't sure how to describe my situation and ask for advice.

I've recently come out of a long relationship which stretched from college to over a year out of school. Now that I'm on my own, I'm wondering where and how I'll meet the next guy.

I feel like it was so easy to meet people in school...it's a safe environment, it's easy to start up conversations because you already know that you have that school environment in common..."what's your major? where do you dorm? did you hear about that stupid kid who...?"

I think that "safe environment" factor was huge for me. I was able to get to know people and take my time before becoming close friends (or in my ex's case, before jumping into a relationship).

My question is, how do you meet people in the real world? There are lots of friendly people at my job, but I don't intend on ever mixing work with romance (it seems dangerous and scary). I know I'm quite young so the whole bar/club scene is an option, but I'm not a random hook-up kind of girl. I prefer places where I can hear what people are saying, haha.

I'll be taking a class spring semester and hope to meet some nice people. I'm not hunting for dates because I'm still getting over my break-up, but if I go on one eventually, that would be nice. I've never actually dated in the traditional sense (my ex and I hung out and went out before we got together...but it never felt like "dating" because we were friends first), so I may be freaked out when it happens...

My college friends are either paired up with one another, or friends with people I'm not interested in, so I don't think they'll be the source of my next great love...I guess I need to learn how to go fishing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Sun, 01-11-2009 - 9:39pm

I did the same thing when I broke up with my ex (moved out of the place we shared together and into a temp place). Then a few months later I finally got into a place that felt more like my own. I was pretty disappointed when I moved that second time -- thought Id start to feel completely over my breakup but that did not really happen. I wound up just feeling real lonely for awhile (I was kind of working myself to death at the time as well).

You sound like you are in a much better place than I was either way so I am sure you will be fine. What did you decide to on the apartment? That can be tough looking for a place to live (I can only imagine in NYC -- I get frustrated in Minneapolis). Best of luck with it.

How are you doing with being single btw? It is a strange world to adapt to when you are used to being in a serious rs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 2:02pm

I ultimately decided to take the place. Even with the recession, occupancy rates in NY are always ridiculous, so you have to take what you can get. I have some ideas on how to make the place look nice and hope that decorating mayhem will fill the "lonely" moments over the next few months.

As for how I'm doing being single....it's pretty tough to answer. I have good days and bad days at this point. (I'm in my 5th month now post-breakup). Aside from some mild flirting while on vacation a few months back, I haven't tried talking up guys at all (and am not in a hurry to either).

What I've really been working on is connecting with friends and family and doing new activities. I'm trying to enrich my life enough so that if I'm single for years, I'll be ok. haha.

The good days are ones in which I have loads of fun activities with friends and don't have time to think about the ex. The bad days are the ones where I don't have enough to do and inevitably end up thinking about the break-up, the cheating-ex, and my fear of becoming a paranoid man-hater because of the bad experience. :::gags:::

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Tue, 01-13-2009 - 5:59pm

Congratulations on finding your place. I'm sure you'll love it as soon as you get settled. It is pretty hard not to like a place that you get all the say in. Hope it turns out well.

I do not blame you for taking your time with being single. I did/am doing the same thing. It takes a long time to decompress from a heartbreak like that. Especially, when you are in love and the other person ended it with cheating. So sorry for that, but you will get past it. You won't wind up hating all men -- but I know where you are coming from with that fear. You held your ex in such high regard for so long, then to have them betray you like that almost brings humanity down in your mind. It takes some time to be able to realize that your ex was not everything you thought he was; and thus everyone else is not as 'low' as you feel. It is a hard thing to deal with though, since it seems to happen on a subconscious level.

I still have moments where I dwell on the heartbreak of my rs too...it always seems to pop into my mind when I am waking up in the morning for whatever reason. I am realizing it is a wound that may never fully heal, betrayal hurts, especially by those close to you. However, my anger/sadness/etc has faded substantially over time. Basically just had to come to the conclusion, I will always love her, but she will never make me happy now (she has been the root of too much pain). Now I just need to wait until I find someone else who I love in that manner and who feels the same way back at me.

Hope this is one of your good days by the way. If it is not, do not beat yourself up too much...him cheating with another woman is not your fault, you letting it ruin your life would be though. have a good one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Wed, 01-14-2009 - 10:09pm

Thanks, I am starting to psych myself up for the move (I'll be moving over the MLK weekend). I am a bit concerned about feeling lonely once I'm back out there, but hopefully I'll have projects around the house to keep me busy!

Have you tried dating as of yet? You mentioned not trying it so much since you're going to school soon but I'm curious if you've ventured out yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 12:22pm

Blueices85, this hits sooo close to home I even got teary-eyed. I am also going through the same thing. Long relationship, break up *other girl* and I did live on my own for a while, but I decided to move in with a friend because I was getting tired of being lonely. So I feel more optimistic. I agree with being focused on yourself and being independent and worrying more about being more awesome, lol. I think before I wasn't having much luck because I wasn't worrying about myself, I was constantly thinking about my ex. But now I feel like I'm over the relationship we had. I don't get choked up when I think about him anymore, I'm no longer angry so I feel like I'm in a good place to start dating, but its the "real world" now, lol.

Congratulations on that move. My advice about feeling lonely is use your friends, that's what they're there for. (in a good way) My best friend lives in Georgia (I'm in AZ) but we keep each other updated on EVERYTHING and we talk, text, im everyday. She has really helped even though she lives across the country and it makes me feel better and keep my mind off the negative.

Please keep updating, maybe I can get some ideas from you too =)

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 5:05pm

Good luck on the move over the weekend. There probably will be times when you are feeling lonely but you should be able to handle them. Like you said keeping yourself busy usually helps...but also, its not such a bad idea to let yourself feel down every once and awhile (provided you do not make a habit of it).

I have not really started dating yet; and I am not really sure when I will start up again. My breakup really rocked my confidence and I have yet to really bounce back. Plus since I am going back to school here, I am going to be scraping by financially for at least 2 years. For whatever reason, I just can not make myself feel comfortable dating while not being set financially -- I feel like I am starting the rs off as a disappointment. Maybe it is something I will get over, if not, I may just put off dating for a few more years.

It is a little pathetic but thats why I have not really been dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Thu, 01-15-2009 - 10:08pm

Hi iriscaprice, I'm glad to hear that you're on the up and up since your break-up. How long has it been? I truly look forward to the day when I don't think about him (or that situation in general) anymore.

I too considered the roommate thing when I moved out of my old place. I ultimately decided against it since most of my friends already have their own arrangements and I didn't want to shack up with a stranger. I also figured that this next move should be my last one for awhile. I don't want to have to endure moving again because of any reasons but my own.

Anywho, I totally agree that sometimes your closest companions live far away. A dear cousin of mine has been by my side every step of the way, but he lives clear across the country in LA. Despite the distance gap, he supported me and kept close track of my progress. And without him, I can't imagine how I would have gotten through those first few months when I was wrecked.

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Rossjack, I'm pretty jealous that you're going back to school, actually. I wish I could go back! Something about going to school is like "going back into the womb" haha. I imagine you'll be making a bunch of new friends and that's something great to look forward to. If you happen to meet a nice gal, all the better right? Don't let your financial situation stop you if you happen to make a good connection. You're a student afterall, so don't beat yourself up over that. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 3:55pm

Yeah I know I should take it easy with the money thing but it is kind of something I seem unable to get over. Every couple of days I get real upset about it and that seems to keep me down. I keep thinking, im 24, i shouldnt be in school anymore, i should be buying a house, i should in a rs etc. While most of the time I do not feel this way (and am happy with where I am going) those thoughts seem to come back and bite me every now and again.

Thanks for letting me rant there (and before). Its amazing how you can feel your mood when reading your old posts. Yesterday was one of those days where I really missed being in a rs. Some days you just want to come home, and talk everything out with your significant other -- it can be hard coming home alone some nights.

To be honest though, the real reason I have yet to date is I am a little afraid of it. I've never dated anyone I have not been close friends with first -- so the thought of just going out there and dating is a little frightening. Being a guy, if I do not work up the courage to go ask people out, im not going to be dating you know?

What do you want to go back to school for btw? I'm sure you could go back if you wanted to...6 months ago I would have thought it would have been impossible for me to go back, but here I am.

hope the move goes well this weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Fri, 01-16-2009 - 5:48pm

Thanks for the well wishes.

I guess I want to go to school for that sense of comfort I had when I was there.

In terms of practical reasons why I would go back to school: I'm pretty competitive, so when I do go back, chances are it'll be for business school. I'll probably feel compelled to go if I hit a snag on the corporate ladder or want to change careers. Considering the expense of grad school tuition though, I will wait till I know what that degree is going towards before signing some massive loan to do this.

It's interesting reading about a guy's perspective moving past a break-up. Due to the relative "rawness" of mine, I still have pretty negative thoughts over a male's EQ (I often assume it's very low).

Of course that's not true. It's also not necessarily true that guys have it easier than girls being single. It's also bad to assume that all guys don't want to be (or can't handle being) in relationships at this age.

Don't beat yourself up over finances and school too much. Some of my best friends are 30 and still in school and still trying to figure out where their lives are going. Go at your own pace. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Sun, 01-18-2009 - 4:58pm

hey hey,

It is very hard to get over all of those negative thoughts about the opposite sex coming out of the breakup. I know I would take all of my ex's negative traits and just assume 'all women are like that.' So maybe your ex had a low EQ but other guys are a little better off emotionally -- yet its hard to separate the two. You sound like you know this; but it is hard to get over it at times.

It makes it ever more harder if you are still in contact with your ex. I know I struggled with it when I was still talking to her somewhat. Especially since she had more or less left me for a different guy (they have since broken up but it still burns). Honestly, the whole no contact thing makes the breakup go so much easier (not that it is fun by any means).

You mentioned hitting a snag in the corporate ladder....that is why I went back. With the economy struggling along, I figured now is as good of a time as any to go back and get the degree I've been wanting for a few years.

Have you picked up any new hobbies lately? You sounded real pumped about making your life as busy as possible. Hope the move is going well.