Never been single in "the real world"
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| Sun, 12-07-2008 - 7:27pm |
Weird title I know, but wasn't sure how to describe my situation and ask for advice.
I've recently come out of a long relationship which stretched from college to over a year out of school. Now that I'm on my own, I'm wondering where and how I'll meet the next guy.
I feel like it was so easy to meet people in school...it's a safe environment, it's easy to start up conversations because you already know that you have that school environment in common..."what's your major? where do you dorm? did you hear about that stupid kid who...?"
I think that "safe environment" factor was huge for me. I was able to get to know people and take my time before becoming close friends (or in my ex's case, before jumping into a relationship).
My question is, how do you meet people in the real world? There are lots of friendly people at my job, but I don't intend on ever mixing work with romance (it seems dangerous and scary). I know I'm quite young so the whole bar/club scene is an option, but I'm not a random hook-up kind of girl. I prefer places where I can hear what people are saying, haha.
I'll be taking a class spring semester and hope to meet some nice people. I'm not hunting for dates because I'm still getting over my break-up, but if I go on one eventually, that would be nice. I've never actually dated in the traditional sense (my ex and I hung out and went out before we got together...but it never felt like "dating" because we were friends first), so I may be freaked out when it happens...
My college friends are either paired up with one another, or friends with people I'm not interested in, so I don't think they'll be the source of my next great love...I guess I need to learn how to go fishing?

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'It makes it ever more harder if you are still in contact with your ex." --Rossjack is totally right on this part because I didn't really get over the break up until after I stopped talking to him. Its been 7 months since our break up, but really its been 2 months since we stopped talking altogether. What happened was I tried to be his friend which was kind of dumb on my part and then he went back to his "ex" who was actually the girl he left me for in the first place. That is when we stopped talking. I don't know if your situation is close to mine.
BUT what I found to really help me get through the day was to not think negatively about him or his now wife. Whenever I thought about them I thought to myself "I know what I have to offer and his loss. Don't think about them" I try to think positively about MYSELF and that I will soon find someone who's deserving of my awesomeness ;-)
You say your close to your cousin, I don't know about your phone plan, lol but every time I had a bad thought about my ex or started missing him or just got angry over the thought of him I would text my friend and ask her to distract me. We wouldn't talk about guys or the "you'll find someone else, don't worry" We would talk about stuff on TV or random subjects.
Do you have one girlfriend you can just hang out with all the time? Shopping, dancing and what not. I know you mentioned that you're not that into the club scene, but if you go just to have fun with a friend and not necessarily looking for a guy it might come unexpectedly. Same if you're just hanging out, shopping, getting lunch or coffee. You also mentioned the meetup site, I would say try and make some close friends and who knows, maybe they will have a friend who might be perfect for you. *No rush of course.
I can't remember where I read it, but it was about practicing your flirting skills on different guys (some you might not see ever again) but just to boost your confidence and the universe will reward you, lol I know it sounds weird, but that's what I mean by unexpectedly meeting potential dates.
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New Year Myspace Graphics
Hey there,
Moving in has been tough, but I'm happy to report I now have everything in! Everything's a mess, but that'll keep me busy over the next few days: cleaning, unpacking, cleaning some more.
As for moving on from the ex: I do agree that no contact is monumentally good. I haven't initiated contact with my ex since October, but he has contacted me on occasion. At first he wanted to see me and I suppose wanted to try and be friends, but I always said no. Eventually a mutual friend was nice enough to relay the message that he needs to back off and leave me alone while I heal from this. Since then, his emails and txts were strictly about the move out of the apartment we shared. (I wouldn't pick up if he called.)
I imagine by now he doesn't think of me at all, and is immersed with that new girl. It grosses me out still, but it's probably true. I try to push him out of my mind as best I can. Certainly having a new home (and decorating it) is a great project to help that along. =)
Rossjack, back to your question on hobbies that I've taken on: I've played tennis a few times now to get a work-out. I'm not registered with a gym at the moment. I hope to get a new gym membership once I figure out where the best location for me is. Last week I actually went snowboarding, which was extremely fun and rewarding (my first time on a ski lift)! I went alone to prove to myself that I can have a nice time on my own. =)
Now next week is when a more long term project starts, I'll be taking a photography course (just for fun) this semester during evenings after work. I hope to meet some nice people, or at the very least, take some nice pics.
How soon do your classes start? This week I suspect?
Good luck with the unpacking. I know how you are feeling; I am moving tomorrow and have stuff all over the place (things at my parents house, things at my house, things at my new place etc). I am looking forward to at least being settled for a little bit.
Good to know you went to the no contact thing -- I had a similar situation with my ex. who would call to 'see how I was doing' until I finally told her to stop. Please do not say that 'he does not think of me at all'. You really have no idea what he is thinking about; it can be a dangerous path to go down when you start assuming what your ex is thinking. I know its hard not to do, but you can do it.
I got really into working out as well after my breakup (Running was kind of my thing). Also played tennis a lot in the summer -- I cannot stand playing indoor tennis in the winter for whatever reason.
Congrats on getting on the ski lift with the snowboard. It took me hours just to figure out how get up the towrope with a snowboard the first time I went. I fell over a lot.
Good luck on the photography class. Is this your first one or have you been doing it for awhile? It is hard to top a good photo -- props to you for doing that.
My classes fire up next Monday -- I am little nervous here. It kind of hit me today that I am actually going back to school and next week at this time I will trying to remember how to do calculus. In all reality though, I just cannot wait for it get going.
Hope your day is going well and that your new place is starting to feel like a home.
Hi there!
I've been offline most of the week because I don't have internet set up here yet. I was, however, lucky enough to latch onto a free wireless signal tonight. =)
Good luck with your move! I hope you have a schedule full of interesting classes up ahead. I hope it won't be difficult remembering your Calculus either. I haven't used it in a while myself, but I imagine once you see an example or two you'll be happily swimming through partial differentials. LOL
My class starts next Wednesday and to answer your question, it is the first photography class I've ever taken. It's been a hobby of mine for a bit, but I'd love to officially learn how to do things and understand my camera better. What I'm really excited about is the fact that my company will actually reimburse me for the tuition fee if I get a good final grade. (I managed to convince them that learning photoshop and taking pictures may prove useful in my position, hehe)
If you're curious, here's some pics I've taken over the past few years: http://blueices.deviantart.com/
And yes, I think my apartment is slowly but surely starting to feel like a home. Lots of boxes to unpack and cleaning still to be done, but I happily look forward to all the DIY projects and the (hopefully) good results.
Keep me posted on school and orientation and all that good stuff. Hope you have a blast!
I took a look at your photography – I was very impressed. I know little to nothing about photography but I know enough to realize you’ve got some talent there. I really liked the one you had entitled ‘Morning View.’ Loved the differing styles of architecture playing off of each other. Reminded me of being in Italy – with that whole country trying to live a in a modern world while refusing to give up their past. I love classic architecture though – it makes me miss the time when people were able to blend aesthetics with purpose so well. One trip to suburbia makes me feel as if that is a lost art.
Anyway, props to you for being able to convince your company to pay for that – what do you do for a living by the way?
Funny you are having a problem with the internet as well; my move has produced the same. I’ll need to figure all that out tomorrow. I am still working for my company and it is awfully hard to do that without an internet connection when you are 200 miles away from the office.
I really cannot wait for classes to start here – I want to meet some interesting people. It is quite odd being in this town again (I came from Minneapolis – which to me is a big town with a lot of interesting people). Here on the other hand; I am having a little bit more trouble finding people with a similar vibe. Although I did find a nice little coffee shop today so maybe that will help me out.
Hope you are having a good night and you are having fun in the new digs.
Thanks for the compliment! It means a lot. I really hope to develop a better eye. (I'm also fond of the idea of decorating my place with pics I've taken.
As for my apt. I'm slowly starting to feel at home. The home cleaning projects have also kept my mind off of bad "ex" thoughts. =) They tend only to seep in on my commute now and during down time, which is way better than before.
It also happens when I see mutual friends. Reminders of him tend to pop up quite a bit. A part of me wishes that they'd have gone completely on my side after what he did (even though I know that's not fair to ask that of them). I hope eventually to feel happy and at ease with them, though I can't imagine ever wanting to hang out in a group together with the ex again. Occasions came up over the holidays where I didn't go to events because I knew he'd be there. It was pretty disheartening at the time, but I hope eventually to be able to brush him off. Baby steps I guess. I was wondering, have you faced situations like these in the past year too?
On a brighter note, your first day at school is tomorrow right? Good luck and enjoy! Are there orientation programs going on too to break the ice?
As for my work, I work at a branding firm. We do consulting but specific to marketing strategy. It's pretty interesting work and it doesn't get 'dry' the way management consulting might. What's your background btw?
Edited 1/25/2009 10:49 pm ET by blueices85
Glad the apt is going well and I know what you mean with the ex thoughts. I still have them from time to time but as long as I keep those thoughts in check they do not get too bad. Problem is she is the only girl I’ve ever really been in love with so it is hard to not fret about her (wondering if she is the only one I will ever feel that way for etc.) Seems to help whenever I have a crush on someone else – then those thoughts nearly disappear. You met anyone interesting lately?
I faced a lot of situations like the ones you mentioned and still to this day avoid most places where I’ll see her. The mutual friends thing – I felt the same way too for awhile but it is just not the way the world works. I’m sure those people care deeply for you and do not like what your ex did to you – but if we all stopped being buds with people who did something immoral none of us would have any friends. Still, I empathize with that feeling.
School went well…all of my classes seemed doable. As you know I was a little worried I’d be playing a lot of catchup in the math dept. There are not really any orientation programs for ice breakers so I have to meet people the old fashioned way. Found some interesting characters at a coffee shop the other day. Outside of that I’ve met a few people – one girl ran her automobile into my car when it was parked on the street and tore up the rear bumper. I wasn’t too mad about it (she left her number – I couldn’t believe she did not hit and run me). Anyway, I’ve been having a good time going back and forth with her getting that sorted out and am thinking of asking her out after the car is put back together.
As for background, I grew up in NE Minneapolis, got a degree for the U of MN, I work in the baseball industry (mostly media writing during the season, database mgmt, software stuff etc – it’s a wicked small company so I do a lot of odds and ends things). Obviously, there is a lot more but that is the jist of it.
Branding firm huh? Not my cup of tea but it sounds like you like it. Sounds rewarding nonetheless. Is that market hurting in the down economy as well? Where do you go to school to get into that?
I better get going. Hope the ex is not crowding your mind too much. Whenever I feel like that; I just remind myself that if being with her (or him) felt so great and it ended the way it did, just imagine how great it will feel when I find someone who loves me even more than they did (i.e. loves you enough not to pull a stunt like that).
Funny you should mention that. I haven't become attracted to anyone yet, but have had two situations where guys seemed interested in me. Unfortunately it freaks me out more than anything right now. I think it doesn't help that both guys are about 30 years old...that seems a bit of a stretch for me since I'm 23.
"I faced a lot of situations like the ones you mentioned and still to this day avoid most places where I’ll see her. The mutual friends thing – I felt the same way too for awhile but it is just not the way the world works. I’m sure those people care deeply for you and do not like what your ex did to you – but if we all stopped being buds with people who did something immoral none of us would have any friends. Still, I empathize with that feeling."
I totally agree with what you're saying. My mind knows what the reality is but my heart still feels a bit bruised that they didn't burn him at the stake.
I've never asked my friends to take sides since I know it's not right. In the past in fact, I've stayed friends with two people who split up. At first it wasn't a big deal, but then the fact he cheated turned up months later. At the time, I chose to be friends with both. To be honest though, if I knew then what I know now about the pain that comes from being betrayed...well I probably wouldn't have stayed friendly with him. I feel that this experience has really cemented my values in that regard.
Just about all my mutual friends are fairly innocent in that nothing like this has happened to them, so I give them some slack and just take rainchecks when I know the ex will be around.
"School went well…all of my classes seemed doable. As you know I was a little worried I’d be playing a lot of catchup in the math dept. There are not really any orientation programs for ice breakers so I have to meet people the old fashioned way. Found some interesting characters at a coffee shop the other day. Outside of that I’ve met a few people – one girl ran her automobile into my car when it was parked on the street and tore up the rear bumper. I wasn’t too mad about it (she left her number – I couldn’t believe she did not hit and run me). Anyway, I’ve been having a good time going back and forth with her getting that sorted out and am thinking of asking her out after the car is put back together."
Too bad about the lack of orientation. It's cheesy but tends to be a simple way to meet people. Hope your cafe is a nice hangout though! As for the girl, good luck asking her out. A bit too bad that your car suffered in the process, but if it all works out then great. =)
"As for background, I grew up in NE Minneapolis, got a degree for the U of MN, I work in the baseball industry (mostly media writing during the season, database mgmt, software stuff etc – it’s a wicked small company so I do a lot of odds and ends things). Obviously, there is a lot more but that is the jist of it."
Do you plan on sticking with that field when you graduate or will you be diving into something completely new? I have a friend in a small company. She has an incredible amount of responsibility and like you has to wear different hats. Still, I imagine that would be very rewarding.
Branding firm huh? Not my cup of tea but it sounds like you like it. Sounds rewarding nonetheless. Is that market hurting in the down economy as well? Where do you go to school to get into that?
My particular firm is still doing well. We supposedly lead the field and hopefully will get through this spell without too many scars. During the Fall actually, we got a lot of business from financial services firms with major identity issues. As you can imagine, banks that divest some parts, merge some parts, discontinue other parts need quite a bit of help reorganizing themselves. haha.
As for school, I went to Columbia U., but studied things that don't have much to do with what I do now. My major was East Asian Studies (some of those photos you saw are from when I studied abroad in Japan) and my minor was Economics. Neither really fit with my current line of work, but I kind of like that. =)
Ultimatedly I'm glad I didn't end up doing what most of my classmates do: Finance. That would have been a bad life choice for me. And bad luck given the economy.
"I better get going. Hope the ex is not crowding your mind too much. Whenever I feel like that; I just remind myself that if being with her (or him) felt so great and it ended the way it did, just imagine how great it will feel when I find someone who loves me even more than they did (i.e. loves you enough not to pull a stunt like that)."
This is a great statement, thank you. It helps to put things into perspective. I allow myself to dwell on the details fairly often and forget that I've only been in one relationship so far in my relatively short life. Hopefully things will only get better from here and round 2 will be much more fruitful.
Best of luck with your classes and hope you have a coffee with that gal sometime soon!
I thought I had posted a reply a couple of days ago but I guess it did not go through (internet in my new house is shaky to put it nicely).
Knowing the pain of being cheated on is one of those things that you really never fully understand until it happens to you. You always know it is wrong, hurtful, but you really have to go through it to understand the extent of the pain (the more you love him/her the more it hurts). I’m saying all this because you mentioned how you weren’t sure if you would have stayed friends with the guy that cheated on his gf – and I know the feeling. When I find out about people cheating I cannot help but not distance myself from them to some degree. It is really an inexcusable act.
It took me a long time to start being attracted to other girls as well…and honestly do not try and force anything…it just doesn’t work. You will know when you start to get those feelings again. It really has only happened for me in the past few months. Going back to a female dominated college kind of makes it hard not to start finding interesting women around.
I’m not sure I will stay in the same field when I am done. Working there has some great perks (very understanding work environment, fun topic, great opportunities to fill a resume) but some huge disadvantages (being the only one who knows how to do certain things so you are permanently on call, can be odd hours when busy, lower pay). Who knows where I will be in two years though; two years ago I definitely did not think I would be where I am.
That is so cool that you studied abroad in Japan; I have always wanted to see that country. The countryside there looks so beautiful whenever I’ve seen pictures of it. Do you have any desire to go back or are you looking to stay stateside? Seems like with your background you would have a lot of opportunities to move around if you felt like it.
How are you feeling with regards to your ex? He seems to be on your mind a lot in your most recent posts. If you are anything like me I go through lulls (that last a few days) in which I am thinking about her/us etc. so frequently I cannot help but get down on myself. Hope you are keeping busy; and remember things will get continuously better even if it does not always feel that way. I hope you do not beat yourself up about it – he did not cheat because of anything you did or did not do. When you are through all this I am positive you will find someone who makes you very happy.
I better get rolling though—need to get to a library here. Hope you have a weekend full of fun things in front of you. Have a good one.
I definitely would love to go back to Japan to travel some more. After two summers there, however, I realized that I wouldn't want to live there permanently. While everyone is very friendly, it can get pretty lonely.
Thanks for the positive reinforcement, btw. =)
You're right, the ex has been in my brain a bit for a few reasons, but I'm trying to work on pushing him out. He'll be totally out of my hair someday (he's leaving the country in the next few days/months to work elsewhere and be with that new girl of his). People have offered to tell me when he's leaving, but I've said no. I'm kind of afraid to know, actually.
On the one hand, it'll be good to have my mutual friends back, to be able to go to events w/o worrying about running into him. On the other hand, I keep imagining that his departure will be yet another painful nail in the coffin.
For some reason, I'm really dreading both the idea of him reaching out to say goodbye, or not bothering to reach out at all. Both ideas pain me for some reason.
In other, more cheerful news, I started my photography class last week and am looking forward to the course! I worked on my first assignment over the weekend, but don't think it went very well. Hopefully I'll get better at it as I go along!
Hope school is treating you well!
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