Never been single in "the real world"
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| Sun, 12-07-2008 - 7:27pm |
Weird title I know, but wasn't sure how to describe my situation and ask for advice.
I've recently come out of a long relationship which stretched from college to over a year out of school. Now that I'm on my own, I'm wondering where and how I'll meet the next guy.
I feel like it was so easy to meet people in school...it's a safe environment, it's easy to start up conversations because you already know that you have that school environment in common..."what's your major? where do you dorm? did you hear about that stupid kid who...?"
I think that "safe environment" factor was huge for me. I was able to get to know people and take my time before becoming close friends (or in my ex's case, before jumping into a relationship).
My question is, how do you meet people in the real world? There are lots of friendly people at my job, but I don't intend on ever mixing work with romance (it seems dangerous and scary). I know I'm quite young so the whole bar/club scene is an option, but I'm not a random hook-up kind of girl. I prefer places where I can hear what people are saying, haha.
I'll be taking a class spring semester and hope to meet some nice people. I'm not hunting for dates because I'm still getting over my break-up, but if I go on one eventually, that would be nice. I've never actually dated in the traditional sense (my ex and I hung out and went out before we got together...but it never felt like "dating" because we were friends first), so I may be freaked out when it happens...
My college friends are either paired up with one another, or friends with people I'm not interested in, so I don't think they'll be the source of my next great love...I guess I need to learn how to go fishing?

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Hey there,
Try not to worry too much about him moving abroad etc. I know it is difficult but his life is very separated from your life now. Look at you; you are getting on with your life and just moved out on your own. Do not let his life get in the way. As for the other girl…I know it bothered me on multiple levels, one of them being the fact that she had someone while I had ‘no one.’ Finally I looked at it this way, she may be with someone, but she had to lie, cheat, and break someone else’s heart to do it. I may be alone at the moment but at least I have my dignity – plus I will be a whole lot better off in the long run.
Also, do not count down anything your life that revolves around him. I used to do that too, but all it does is set you up for a countdown until you feel bad. It is just not worth it.
Enough about that though, glad to hear you had a good time at the class and I am sure you did better on the first assignment than you are saying. What did you guys have to do?
School is going pretty good for me so far…I really like all my classes and all my professors. I can be a bit of a nerd so I love learning. If I could figure out a way to turn learning into a full-time job I’d be the happiest guy on the planet. I was worried about the calc class but so far so good on that…it all came back for the most part.
I am a little down because I have yet to really find too many people that I really vibe with down here. I had this problem last time I was lived in this city; the entire social scene revolves around all-out partying. It is hard to find other things to get into especially during the winter. Hopefully, I’ll find something though.
Hope you are having a good day.
Hi there,
My topic for this week was tough because it was so vague! It was "take pictures of one person, place, or thing...or group of things"
Arg!!!
I took photos of various parts of my building, of random sights from the inside of a subway car enroute to Queens, and of my grandma cooking. I'm going to present the photos of the outside of my building at class tomorrow. I don't find many of them interesting because it seems so normal, but maybe a few will do. I let the vagueness of the assignment get the better of me I think...haha.
I'll be sure to report how it goes and will let you know if any win approval.
Glad to hear that classes are going well for you. I am still jealous that you're in school. I've been missing it since I left. =) As for the party scene, I think every city (and especially every college neighborhood) is guilty of being a little too bar-scene heavy. Hopefully there's a non-drinking club or activity that will catch your eye?
By the way what ever happened to the girl you met due to the fender-bender? I could imagine that playing scrabble over a cup of coffee in a cafe to be a nice way to spend the afternoon. =)
“one person, place, or thing...or group of things"…so the only thing you cannot take a picture of is a group of people? That’s pretty funny, if you are going to make it that vague why not just say ‘take some pictures.’
I think what gets to me with the bar scene around here is it is everywhere. I went to school up in Minneapolis for a few years awhile back and while the campus is all about the drinking scene…you can still go get lost in the city. Here the whole town is the college town so the bar scene rules the land. Not to say there is not other things to do but it is frustrating to have to look so hard for them.
You sounded a lot better in your post by the way. I hope you are feeling that way too. I had a bit of a rough one yesterday for whatever reason but am feeling a whole lot better this morning – it is funny how your emotions can turn on a dime like that.
I am meeting that girl today for lunch and am pretty excited about it. Only problem is there have been a lot of hiccups with getting the car fixed…so that is weighing over everything right now. I’ll have to be real careful to avoid that topic today as much as possible.
Alright, I got to go to class. Hope you have a good Wednesday.
We've met up twice now and both times it went pretty well. I am starting to think she does not really have romantic feelings for me though. Asked her out for a dinner date and she seemed somewhat reluctant but I guess I will find out next week. I don’t know – I think we both may be a little hesitant for various reasons. One is the age gap – I am quite a bit older than her, and I’ve never dated anyone younger than me. Two, the whole bumper thing is still unresolved – the guy fixing it is having trouble locating parts I guess. Plus I think she is coming out of a serious rs. Who knows – basically I really like being around her and want to see where it goes.
How are you doing by the way? You feeling better about your situation with your ex? Meet anyone interesting? Still enjoying your photography class?
I hope you are feeling better about everything – I know it is cliché but time will heal all of this pain that you went through. It will never go away but do not ever give up hope. One day you will have all of those great feelings again.
Edited 2/10/2009 8:35 pm ET by rossjack
Sorry to hear that things seem so ambiguous with this girl. You also got Valentine's coming up which is tough day to plan around anyways...
The age gap thing is also interesting, I can't imagine dating someone younger than me either. Let me know how things go and whether you've found other interesting spots among the bars in your neighborhood. =)
As for how I'm doing, I actually had a dramatic weekend. Things with the ex came to a head when I found out Sat that he was leaving the country (for good) on Monday. I ultimately decided to face him before he left for a goodbye talk (for lack of a better phrase).
I went in it with no expectations of him. I knew he couldn't say anything to give me closure, but I did want to prove to myself that I won't hide in fear from him. Over the past few months, I had gone into this avoidance pattern that was really bothering me and he had almost become this larger than life being in my head. Seeing him I think cut him down to size.
Needless to say, it was an emotional discussion and I felt really crappy Sunday and Monday. Thankfully, I'm starting to feel better now. I actually just got home from Photography class and I am still enjoying it very very much. I love that its four hours of the week where I'ts almost guaranteed that I won't think of him.
I really hope the cliché you mentioned is true, seeing him this weekend re-opened some wounds and it's sometimes too easy to think that there's no point in trying again. Hopefully sometime in the near future I'll be ready to though.
wow...sounds like you had one interesting weekend there. Props to you for handling it so well. I had a similar talk with my ex at one point in time and I know exactly what you mean about cutting them back down to size. I was so used to her being my life (when in a rs) that when we got out of it I was still centering my life around her (only this time in a negative fashion). Before that talk, I was separating my life into 3 parts, before her, with her, after her. Since then Ive stopped doing that (for the most part).
Not sure if any of that makes sense but I am proud of you for handling it so well. There really was no way for you to walk out of that without feeling down on yourself immediately afterward; but it sounds like you did an excellent job of picking yourself up after the fact.
Don't worry too much about the emotional scarring, you sound very well-adjusted and I am sure you will not let it keep you down too long. Give yourself time to collect your thoughts (especially now after seeing him and watching him leave again). If I was you though, I would try to get out and meet some new people soon here. You need to remind yourself that there are (new) interesting people out there even if you are not feeling it in a romantic sense.
Have a good one, and go do something fun on Valentines Day for me if I do not write you before then.
"If I was you though, I would try to get out and meet some new people soon here. You need to remind yourself that there are (new) interesting people out there even if you are not feeling it in a romantic sense."
This seems to be a lot of people's theme of the week for me...lol. Two good friends of mine, after seeing the sorry aftermath that was me on Sunday, decided to give me an intervention yesterday. They're 30, so their perspective was, "you're soooo young, you have a lot to offer, get out there already! It's been 6mos, go meet some guys already!"
Meanwhile, I just wanted to crawl under a table....haha. My POV was that I'm just focusing on making myself happy right now: trying new things, and telling myself I don't need to be "with someone" in order to be happy. After the break-up, my self-confidence was a rubble on the floor, and I'm slowly trying to build up a fort here. =)
My big hope is that someone will naturally come along in the course of this. I really hate the idea of "hunting" and dread the idea of traditional dating (which seems like a grueling interviewing process). Let's hope its more fun than that!
What I did acknowledge yesterday was that I know I don't give guys a fair shot.
I think after what happened, it's going to be worse since I'm still in, "all you men are souless!!!" mode.
I really hope to overcome that soon, but I don't know when I'll be ready to go out and be flirty and peppy. (Don't think I'm naturally like that anyway).
.....
Anywho, do you have Valentine's day plans? I'm mostly ignoring the existence of this holdiay this year, lol. I'm going to hang out with friends, maybe play tennis in the evening, and go visit my family. If anything, I'll have a dear childhood friend be my official "date" during the day.
I loved reading everyone's responses, since I'm in the same situation. I just got out of a relationship (5 years together) and have never before faced the idea of having actual dates... but I did go on one date and it was really odd. It felt good, but at the same time I didn't know how to behave :( and felt like a teenager again wondering if he'd call in the following days - if this is part of the real world, this is really my first time playing these games. I really don't like them.
I'm trying to go out more often just to have fun, but the hard thing is that in the process of breaking up I lost a lot of common friends that I had come to know through my ex. So I feel like I'm starting from scratch - I have no social circle that I feel a part of now. But I'm getting in touch with people I hadn't seen in a while and it's been good.
--> "My big hope is that someone will naturally come along in the course of this. I really hate the idea of "hunting" and dread the idea of traditional dating (which seems like a grueling interviewing process). Let's hope its more fun than that!"
Agree 100% with you. I prefer meeting people by chance and developping a connection instead of hunting... I believe the next boyfriend will come just as naturally as the previous one, but maybe i'm being too naive.
Hope your Valentines Day weekend. Mine was alright…but its nice to be back at school right now. I’ve only been down here for a few weeks but I already prefer it to ‘home’ right now. Not really sure how to explain it.
I think it will be good for you to go out and meet some new people…you have to be careful when you are ‘building yourself back up’. When you are single, you naturally spend a lot of time by yourself…and if you aren’t meeting some new people it can become pretty easy to go through a ‘everyone sucks’ phase. Don’t think of it as hunting…in fact I think its good for you to get out and meet some new gfs too. I put this off for months after my breakup but it was one of the biggest things that helped me get over it. Its just nice to get out there and meeting interesting people instead of the same old same old (which inevitably leads you to think about your ex).
Im not naturally flirty either…but I don’t think that’s all too uncommon. I just love going out and having conversations about random things. Its very interesting.
I have to get back to the studying though. Hope you are having a great night!
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