Never been single in "the real world"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Never been single in "the real world"
58
Sun, 12-07-2008 - 7:27pm

Weird title I know, but wasn't sure how to describe my situation and ask for advice.

I've recently come out of a long relationship which stretched from college to over a year out of school. Now that I'm on my own, I'm wondering where and how I'll meet the next guy.

I feel like it was so easy to meet people in school...it's a safe environment, it's easy to start up conversations because you already know that you have that school environment in common..."what's your major? where do you dorm? did you hear about that stupid kid who...?"

I think that "safe environment" factor was huge for me. I was able to get to know people and take my time before becoming close friends (or in my ex's case, before jumping into a relationship).

My question is, how do you meet people in the real world? There are lots of friendly people at my job, but I don't intend on ever mixing work with romance (it seems dangerous and scary). I know I'm quite young so the whole bar/club scene is an option, but I'm not a random hook-up kind of girl. I prefer places where I can hear what people are saying, haha.

I'll be taking a class spring semester and hope to meet some nice people. I'm not hunting for dates because I'm still getting over my break-up, but if I go on one eventually, that would be nice. I've never actually dated in the traditional sense (my ex and I hung out and went out before we got together...but it never felt like "dating" because we were friends first), so I may be freaked out when it happens...

My college friends are either paired up with one another, or friends with people I'm not interested in, so I don't think they'll be the source of my next great love...I guess I need to learn how to go fishing?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Mon, 02-16-2009 - 9:57pm

I like the idea of meeting new people (not gender specific). Less pressure that way. My friend meant well when she wanted me to specifically meet new guys, but I need to do what feels comfortable for me.

Like Claire, I totally want something to happen organically and not force anything that seems awkward or uncomfortable.

What I am focusing on for now is being friendly at work and in my class, and striking up small talk when I can. I'll also be holding a housewarming party in March and plan on inviting close friends as well as acquaintances. Maybe if I feel ready by then, I can put "feelers" out there and maybe someone will think to fix me up with a friend of a friend. That's how it happens some huge percent of the time I think.

I'm sure the friend who wants me to meet guys NOW would also be happy to fix me up with people she knows, but I think I need a bit more downtime, haha.

Hope things are going well with your studies and you continue to enjoy your new surroundings!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Tue, 02-17-2009 - 10:36pm

Hope you are having a good day today. You are having a housewarming party huh? Hope that all goes well too.

Don't let anyone force you into anything you aren't ready for...if your friends push you too fast, it will just get ugly. Good rule of thumb is probably if you can have a decently long conversation with someone without wanting to bring up your ex. You will know when you are ready though.

I am not doing so hot over here...I've got strep or something and it is not going away. It is kind of ruining my whole week at the moment. Hopefully it goes away soon. Other than that, I've been in a little bit of a depressing mood lately. Since I am sick, I have not been seeing people and/or working out. Feeling a little down about it all. Plus had to cancel a date over all of this.

That's enough of that though. Hopefully I'll be back on my feet soon enough...just really missing being in love right now and I am starting to worry that it may never happen again...hate that feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 4:46pm

Good rule of thumb is probably if you can have a decently long conversation with someone without wanting to bring up your ex. You will know when you are ready though.



That's a good one. This is actually something I'm trying to employ in my day-to-day life. I don't want to plague my friends anymore and am trying to move onward and forward. I don't want others' thoughts of me to include thoughts of him anymore. I figure the best way to achieve that is to stop talking about the ex if I can help it.

I am not doing so hot over here...I've got strep or something and it is not going away. It is kind of ruining my whole week at the moment. Hopefully it goes away soon. Other than that, I've been in a little bit of a depressing mood lately. Since I am sick, I have not been seeing people and/or working out. Feeling a little down about it all. Plus had to cancel a date over all of this.



I have this image of you as quite the dater...haha ;) Good for you. Sorry you're feeling sick and had to cancel on one.



Be sure to avoid milk products, get good sleep, and drink lots of tea! Since you're stuck indoors through this, try to do some things you like to do on your own, but never have the time for. Or you can simply focus more on your studies: you'll either get amazing grades, or get healthier super-fast in an effort to procrastinate doing homework. =)



That's enough of that though. Hopefully I'll be back on my feet soon enough...just really missing being in love right now and I am starting to worry that it may never happen again...hate that feeling.



Oi, I hate that feeling too. I'm straddling two modes at the moment: the first which is "single-person loneliness syndrome", and the other is "Don't want to bother risking my heart again syndrome."



Call me a hypocrite for saying this though (especially since I'm working hard on trying to believe this myself), but the odds are very high in your favor that love will happen again.



I think some insane majority of people (like 90%) end up with a long-term partner and/or married at least once. You also have a lot of great things helping you - like being back in school and in a new environment to explore. You are also doing a lot of things to help yourself - like getting out there and dating.



I'm not there yet myself, but I hope to at some point gather the courage to actually get back out there. I hope to also figure out what "putting myself out there" means for me.



Hope you feel better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 10:30pm

Well, I think I am on the upswing over here (health wise). Feel a lot better today than I did when I wrote yesterday...though I think I've probably got one more day of feeling sick left in me. Good thing I got to spend most of the day today pounded away on some math logic...I do thoroughly enjoy that class.

Had to laugh at you having the image of me being quite the dater. I wouldn't say that really fits me well. I think I am pretty decent looking (judging off of the immediate attention I get from most women) but I think I am a bit a of let down after that. If I had a nickle for every time I told a girl that I love to read and then she went off about Harry Potter -- I'd have a lot of nickles. Most girls in the 18-25 range down here are just trying to be normal and to fit in -- so I think I scare a lot of them away when I do things a little differently. I always seem to get negative marks for being agnostic, not watching enough tv, liking alt/indie music and not country, etc. Plus I am little more on the conservative side sexually (read: I don't like to sleep with anyone I don't have some serious feelings for) so that kind of makes me abnormal socially. I know there are girls out there who are not like this but they are few and far between -- which makes all the more exciting when you do meet one of them.

It is funny how you can convince yourself of the fact that there is no one out there for you -- yet when anyone else says it, they sound ridiculous. Though to some degree, it is not such a bad thought. It does show you have an introspective streak in you...which is something to be admired in my eyes.

So why do you feel like you are not ready to get back out there (not trying to pressure you to, just wondering why). Do you still feel like you are in love with your ex? You afraid of going through this heartbreak all over again? Was your ex your first love? I've only had one love, and the whole idea of having a 'second' still tugs at my ideals to some degree. She may have broken it off, but I still feeling like its going to be a struggle to promise all those things I promised her to someone else. Not sure if this has anything to do with anything but I felt like ranting I guess.

Have a good night!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 7:35pm

I always seem to get negative marks for being agnostic, not watching enough tv, liking alt/indie music and not country, etc. Plus I am little more on the conservative side sexually (read: I don't like to sleep with anyone I don't have some serious feelings for) so that kind of makes me abnormal socially.



I think you'd have no trouble in NY (or some of the other big big cities) with these kind of qualities. Female:Male ratios here are highly in your favor. Haha Have you considered testing those waters after grad school? (Just curious). Happy to be a tour guide if you ever visit NY! =)



So why do you feel like you are not ready to get back out there (not trying to pressure you to, just wondering why). Do you still feel like you are in love with your ex? You afraid of going through this heartbreak all over again? Was your ex your first love?



Oh my, tough questions. No I don't think I'm still in love with him. When I saw him two weeks ago, it was painful because of the betrayal and so on, but I was no longer physically attracted to him. (And I'm certainly not a fan of his personality now either).



My thoughts of him mainly focus on wishing that bad karma delivers justice on his a**. I've also caught myself focusing on the thought that he may end up happily ever after and married to that girl he cheated on me with. I hate the idea of everything going his way, especially since I feel he doesn't deserve it. I'm not sure if that would fall into the "in love" category, I sure hope not.



I guess my greatest hurdle is the fear of heartbreak. I also dread that I'll become the paranoid, jealous type since I don't see how I could possibly fully trust a guy anymore. He was my first love and we lived together for a year before it ended. In a lot of ways it was kind of like a divorce, I guess. I suppose the plus side to the break-up experience has to be that I've learned a lot of lessons fast and hopefully this kind of thing won't happen again. I certainly don't think I'd live with a guy ever again unless we were engaged. (I know that's no guarantee either, but I guess it's an extra qualifier that may help).


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 9:33pm

Being sick has really refined my ‘wasting time on the internet’ skill set…I am getting so bored right now and just want to get out of the house. However, being in the cold just makes my symptoms unbearable. So I am going to complain to you about it.

Man, we are two peas in a pod with our thought processes in regards to our breakup. I really wish I had ‘met’ you when I was going through the worst of it. That karma feeling is a dangerous one…but I know how you feel. Karma would dictate that he feels one day what he made you feel. But what would that change? Would that make your heart feel any better? I guess what I am trying to get at it is, you can’t control what happens to him, but you can control how you feel about it. Some days it is comforting to sit back and hope he gets his in the end; but it won’t help you in the end. One day (when you are ready) you are just going to have to say, screw it, I loved him once, and I hope the best for him even if he can’t honestly say the same for me…then move on.

Don’t mean to be so preachy there, but just want to let you know how I handled that feeling. Can’t speak about being the jealous type because I have yet to be in that situation…but I don’t think either of us will. We both took some time off to fix ourselves, so I imagine we will both be secure in our next rs. I won’t move in with a girl again either; unless it was at least at the engaged status …though that was a live and learn type of move. I honestly did think we would be together forever at the time (and I don’t regret making that decision).

Through all of this, I still try to maintain some of my innocence…I don’t want to become so cynical. I know it is dangerous to think the world of someone…but I can’t imagine being in love and not feeling as if that other person is anything less. So maybe I’ll make that mistake again one day down the road but it will be worth it in my opinion.

I have thought about moving away again after school is done (again) but I am not really sure where. That is a long way off though…who knows where I will be by then. I’d love to go to NY one day, still can’t believe I’ve yet to make it out there. Little upset I never got to see Yankee Stadium. btw, I feel as if we are (for the most part) just having a conversation between the two of us here so if you want to do this over email feel free to email me through my profile (I tried to send you one, but said you didn’t accept them). If not, I am more than fine with continuing on this way as well.

Hope your night is going well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 3:39pm
Email sounds like a good idea to me. Your email seems to be blocked as well but I think I've successfully unblocked mine. Feel free to give it a shot. =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 8:33pm
Whoops, thought mine was unblocked but I guess not. I sent you an email, so let me know if it worked or not.

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