Not sure what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Not sure what to do?
6
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 5:03pm

Hi all,
Well here's what's up. I meet a great guy on line almost 3 months ago. We meet through one of the dating sites. We spent sometime chatting, then on to the phone, then we meet in person. All was more then good, by the 5th week, we both decided to see where this would go.
So, we agreed to remove ourselves from both of the dating sites. Things are great except I've noticed that he returns and logs back in to both sites. He told me in the beginning that he had made some long distant pen pals,but I have a problem with this. Is this a normal feeling? Am I over reacting? Do I ask him to stop, choose, what?
He has been a great guy and I know he cares for me a lot.
So, any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks
gem
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 9:27pm

So are you saying he took his profiles down as agreed but then put them back up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2008
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 2:09am
Hi,
Thanks for your reply. No, we both agreed to hide them.Which they still both are, on both sites. He is still just corresponding daily on both site with ladies he meet before me.Which I might add was less then a month before. At least that is what I believe he goes on daily? I don't know I just feel like there is, or must be something there to have to check your mail everyday? I realize they are not in his daily life physically, but I'm just not comfortable with this. And I'm sure if it was in the other woman ballpark, they would not be either. He's a very articulate writer and I'm sure that the other women might think that there is more to there pen pal thing then he realizes there is.
And what do they talk about the weather, politics, religion? Don't get me wrong, I find nothing wrong with people having friends of the opposite sex. However not from a singles Website where both were looking for a relationship, and others knew that. Does this sound sane?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 9:36am

I realize they are not in his daily life physically, but I'm just not comfortable with this if there is anything that you are not comfortable with then dont do it.


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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 10:02am
Ok, then I'm not understanding--if his profile is hidden, how can you tell he goes on the site daily?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-20-2009 - 2:13pm
It sounds like maybe since your relationship is still pretty new, that he is keeping his options open but he doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong because he's not seeing anyone in person or actively soliciting new people, just corresponding w/ people he already knew. How will you bring up that you know that he is doing this w/o sounding like you are spying on him? I don't really know what I'd do in that situation, but I guess that if I had gone on the site to hide my profile and then maybe I would check to see that his was hidden also, then I would probably never look at that site again to check up on the guy, so I wouldn't even know what he was doing. You have to decide whether you want to trust him or not, because even if it weren't for these dating sites that you know about, there are plenty of other ways that he could be contacting women--other dating sites, emailing people he knows in real life, etc. So unless you are going to hire a detective, at some point, you have to assume that people are going to do what they have said they are going to do, unless you get some knowledge that they aren't doing it. I think that you should stop checking on what he is doing and concentrate on your relationship because I think at the point where you do get serious, then he will probably not want to be contacting other women anyway, unless he is a real liar or cheater. But I think the best way to figure that out is to get to know a person and have discussions about how they feel about things--like what do they actually consider cheating in a committed relationship--is it only physically being w/ someone, is it talking to other women, is it doing things behind each other's back, etc?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
Sat, 02-28-2009 - 11:46am

Hi Sheri,

As far as hiding the profile, on some sites, like POF, for example, even if the profile is hidden, if you have favorited someone, or they've favorited you, your profile and WHEN you've been online shows up.

Quite clearly.