Noticing a pattern

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
Noticing a pattern
12
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:23pm

I was just wondering if any of you ladies are starting to notice a distinct pattern in the dating world lately??

I've been cruising the forums the past few weeks on here, and a different site, plus talking to my single friends....and I keep seeing pretty much the same issues just worded a little differently.

These are some of the things I've noticed girls seem to be having problems with...
1.) If you actually talk to a guy about commitment they run for the hills. That talk is hard to avoid once you start becoming emotional towards your guy, but as soon as you have that 'talk' things start to spiral out of control. Once you start feeling more for him, he pulls away, and starts acting distant, and behaving differently (which I think is what usually provokes that 'talk' in the first place).
2.) You start to establish a relationship with a guy, and all of a sudden he finds someone new, or starts going behind your back on the computer, or in real life. (Grass is greener syndrome).
3.) You decide to sleep with a guy early in the relationship, and he either dissapears after, or you become a friends with benefits.
4.) If you hold off for too long he finds someone who will comply.
5.) Instead of wanting someone real, and giving someone the benefit of the doubt...if you don't portray yourself to be perfect (in his eyes) they will move on.

These are just some of the things I have really started to notice. I'm really NOT meaning to sound so pessimistic, but it's just true. I keep seeing the same advice given...drop him, there are PLENTY of GREAT people out there. Is there really? I mean if everyone keeps having the SAME types of problems, then there must be a LOT of men who have this attitude at the moment. Seeing as there is about an equal ratio of men to women...how is it that there is a 'perfect' man out there for everyone?? I think it really might be more of an issue of timing than anything else. If you so happen to be the 'lucky' girl who starts talking to a guy once something has clicked, and he has decided that he wants a REAL relationship...then things might work out. I think that this is just as major of a factor as anything else nowadays.

It also really seems that women are being beat up. Why do we have to be the ones who work so hard to 'land that man'? I see so many guys complaining on different sites about how girls are so emotional and 'crazy', and how they push commitment. Commitment comes with time according to them, yet there is no time variable on sex. We are expected to be in control of our every emotion....yet that's what we are....emotional beings. It's starting to sound like a job interview, or like doing business....isn't love supposed to be emotional? Why are women giving up being emotional, and yet guys are having more sex with more people than ever (at least it appears this way to me anyways)? Why is it all of a sudden expected that someone should have sex on the first date, or within a couple dates....BUT if someone were to say "I really care about you, and I wonder where this is going" that's a HUGE no no??? I know not all women are willing to sleep with a guy without commitment, but because there are so many who are a lot of guys have picked up on this now and are taking full advantage. I know there are women out there who have casual sex for themself, but I think a lot of women fall into having casual sex because either they think it will make the guy want to commit eventually, OR the guy tricks them into thinking that there is some commitment. I really believe internet dating has opened up a big can of worms. Even when you meet someone in real life, there is still a good chance that they also are internet serial daters, or have been influenced by their friends who have adopted this attitude.

I just wanted to share my observations to get some other insight...because I'm starting to just consider giving up.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 2:56pm

Hi, dryginger...

We sure seem to be responding to each other's post quite a bit here..

One of the reasons I came to ivillage was that I knew it was a website primarily for women, and I wanted to learn what women's thoughts were about some of the questions I have had. I wanted to see if the things Ive encountered are true in general, or if it was just something I seemed to be encountering in my circle of contacts.

I teach economics in the university system here and I have an analogy that I use for relationships. The analogy is one of a barter system... there is no currency to facilitate trade... so what good I have to trade... and what good the other party has to trade... has to be acceptable to both parties... and timing in a barter economy is important. If we dont find each other with our goods at the right moment, our trade cant take place.

To me, thats how relationships seem to function. I have some idea of what I am looking for in that special someone in my life... and maybe when I think I find her, maybe she is in another relationship.. or maybe shes just left a relationship... or maybe there is some other chaos in her life that makes her "unavailable"... or maybe there is chaos in my life... you know... that situation where you say, "I wish I had met him/her last month...", etc etc etc.

In my most recent relationship disaster, I expressed a desire for a committed relationship too soon, I guess. I didnt think it was, but it was too soon for her.
The relationship had turned sexual, but that wasnt the ONLY reason I was attracted to her...

You are getting the same advice about the "great people" that are out there that I am getting... except Im not finding them either. You know as well as I do, that the grass on the other side just appears greener... that when one gets there, there's that idea of... 'what did I ever see in this person?'

I have a bad habit (maybe its bad), but when someone leaves me for someone else, I wont even consider going back to that person... Ive had several women the past few years find that 'greener grass' only later to come back. I guess my fear is that if I am done that way once, there is the potential for it to happen again.

I think its over looked that men are emotional creatures too. I, for one, am looking for committment, and it seems that all Ive attracted here lately has been several married women. I don't want/need someone else's wife. I dont want or need that kind of chaos.

Finally, here's what I tell my students in my classes. The only way that one is going to fail is if they give up.. if they simply stop. As long as one tries, the opportunity is there. We have to continue going out and meeting people and being more attentive to the messages that we exchange with them.

I still believe that special woman is right around the corner. I just wish she would hurry.

You take care of yourself. Don't give up.

Jim

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 9:39pm

LOL...The grass is always greener over the septic tank. ;)

I know I won't give up...even though sometimes I really do just feel like throwing the towel in.

Thanks a lot for the advice...you have a good perspective!! :)

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