OK, now what?
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| Thu, 04-16-2009 - 11:22pm |
I put a post up here last week about I guy I had been out with three times, had a great time, yet no kiss.
I was away last weekend, he had his kids, but when I got back to town he called immediately and set up a date for tonight (Thursday). In the meantime, we talked on the phone Monday and last night, about 45 minutes each time.
Tonight, date 4. Three and a half hours of non-stop talking and laughing. Date ends at 11...hug, no kiss. Asks me out again for Sunday.
So, ladies, what's the deal? Am I in the friend zone, or is this guy really shy? He made some references as to not understanding guys who go to hookers (after my story of inadvertently staying in an hourly hotel when I was in Paris in 1985), not dating much in college or afterwards. He has kids, so I know something gets him fired up...but it doesn't seem to be me!
Do I continue with this, or just count it as a pleasant evening. He's a nice person, the kind I should have been with years ago, instead of the jerk I married and the jerks I have dated.

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I think I remember your older post.
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"Which do we want?"
That's easy: we want respect but we also want the guy to convey that he is attracted to us.
A guy who wants to go to bed on the first date is not showing respect. A guy whose first good night kiss is an assault on your tonsils is not showing respect. A guy whose first e-mail asks you about your preferred positions in bed is not showing respect. He is treating us as objects for desire in a way that suggests he is less interested in us and our feelings than in "getting some."
On the other hand, a guy who after the second or third date still hasn't offered a friendly good night kiss is conveying that he is not attracted. Sure, there may be reasons (a cold, a religious conviction, a fear that his onion breath will turn you off) but unless he states these reasons, you are going to wonder if he is really interested.
Most of us, I think, have a general idea of how a man can balance "respect" with interest. One thing I missed all along in my relationship with Mr Sweet Possibilities was he never really touched me during our dates. There is a proper way to do that which is very flattering and yet respectful. (The man reaches for your elbow when you are crossing the street and holds on to it just a little longer, he flicks your hair gently away from your face when the wind has blown it in your eyes, he quickly hugs you with delight when you both share a joke and then pulls back, apologizing, so you can tell him that it's okay...)
I am not looking for a guy who wants to get me in the sack on the third date, but I am definitely looking for a guy who, by the third date, is showing interest in spending more (rather than less) time with me, who is increasing his physical attentions, who is, perhaps, beginning to make somewhat sexy comments.
Depending on other matters (including opportunity and degree of trust) I think the third to eighth date is the proper time for sexual intimacy to begin. When no progress is made by the third date, it's a warning that what we took to be "respect" is really lack of interest (or libido).
It's really frustrating how guys seem to be either all rushing to get you in the sack or not all that interested. Maybe it's because they are either "players" or nice guys looking for "the right girl" but willing to spend time with us even if we don't kindle sparks.
I say that you should just go on dating yours, take it as a friendship that may become more, but don't stop dating other guys, if you can find them.
Best of luck!
Edited 4/17/2009 12:38 pm ET by dabela
A guy whose first good night kiss is an assault on your tonsils is not showing respect.>LMBO, good one.
You are probably more right than I am.
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That's easy: we want respect but we also want the guy to convey that he is attracted to us.
This is EXACTLY what I am thinking! I took a very unscientific poll at work today (elementary school teachers, young and old). Pretty much the response to a quick hug after the fourth date was, "Wuh?" The young teachers said give it one more date and then good-bye. The older ones wondered if he was gay/confused/amazingly shy.
I don't want a hop in the sack, but I do want to know that I am firing up something in this person. If I'm not, why does he keep asking me out? Considering he has to drive 30 minutes to get to me, I figured there must be something, but my gut is telling me I am wasting my time. Too bad, because we get along really well.
You know, Startover96, if I were in your shoes, I'd ask him. Not in a "demanding" or "accusing" way but in a friendly way. You could preface it with thanks for his gentlemanly behavior and concern that he may be "restraining" himself more than necessary out of an excessive sense of respect--and see what he says.
Worst that will happen is it will end the relationship--but you were thinking of ending anyway. Maybe you'll get something resembling an explanation (or excuse). Or maybe you will make a little progress.
Good luck!
I'm just as confused as you!!!!
I also posted last week on the same matter.
I'm new to the dating scene. The first guy I dated made it extremely clear exactly what he wanted. PIG!! The second guy I dated pretty much assaulted me as he kissed me, felt like I was in junior high school again. LOL I was just about to give, figuring maybe I wasn't ready. And that could explain my choices. But then the third guy, oh my. He is sweet, thoughtful, and a
Are we dating the same guy? I am used to either the guy making no move and then never hearing from them again (75 % of the time) or the guys who have been interested have been all over me on the second date.
So this is confusing because I get a check in just about every day (spent almost 2 hours on the phone this morning, and I hate the phone), and he's trying to figure out when to go out again.
No one I know knows what to make of it either!
I am both shy and lacking in patience! He is a very nice guy...we spent almost two hours on the phone yesterday and I HATE the phone! Very easy to talk to. I have tried to think about how to make the move, but I am so geeky, I'd probably miss the target!
Good luck to you, too. Let me know if you get the courage! I'll be rooting for you!
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