Over fifties dating
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| Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:17am |
Hi, I am new here but I really need a support group as I find myself NOT dating. ;)
It shouldn't surprise anyone that a slightly chubby 50-year-old (no matter how youthful of face and manners) is not going to have a lot (any!!) men interested in her. It doesn't surprise me exactly, but I am disappointed.
I joined Match.com, but after roughly three months it doesn't seem to be going well. I look younger than my age (people who have no reason to flatter me have seemed honestly surprised that I was fifty instead of forty), but I am chubby. Even so, I have had some guys interested in me; it's just that they were either obviously weird (the guy whose profile includes the fact that he not only drives his elderly mom everywhere but does her pedicures) or seemed to have problems actually moving to the "meeting" stage. (One guy, after a warm, "bonding" phone conversation, made a date and then cancelled on the day of the date and has not been heard of since.)
So does anyone have any good ideas for another way to meet men? Also, when we do meet men, how do we signal that we are "available" without sounding absolutely desperate?

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I think the answer is to get busy and jazz up your social life as best as you can. Take classes - just get out there. This will boost your self esteem and build your social network. OLD is discouraging at best - so don't base your hopes on that experience. I do think it is good for dating practice.
Keep us posted - best wishes to you.
Oh, I haven't put any hope on OLD beyond, as you say, "practice." Even that, however, doesn't seem easy to accomplish. Guys with profiles that would seem to make them perfect matches with me (even guys who don't object, they say, to "a few extra pounds" and have more than a few on themselves) are not interested. Or they seem to be interested and then in the middle of what seems to be going well, they decide to disappear. (I'd worry "what do I do wrong?" except I know that I didn't do anything wrong.)
I am doing a variety of things to be more active socially, but what I find is that, unlike when I was younger, it is no longer assumed that I am "available." So how to convey that I am open for dating without wearing a t-shirt that says "unattached"? ;)
Thanks,
El
I don't know - maybe you can ask some younger single friends if you are dressing up to date enough so you look available but not trashy? And make sure you smile and be positive in your conversation.
Sometimes I think it helps to ask for help or advice - because that gets more interaction and breaks the ice. Just keep trying to make friends and get lots of help!!
For example, I was just at a bike race and a guy I parked next to was really nice. He was telling me how he rides at a velodrome. So I made it known that I would like to have help learning that. Later on I found out he is married - what do you know about that - no ring and flirting with me - but that is okay - I got practice and now this story helps illustrate my point!!
Too bad about the guy at the bike race. I remember a similar incident from way back when I was in my early twenties. I'm walking home with a huge bag of groceries and this really cute guy asks if he can have a bite off the green pepper at the top. (It's not as weird as it sounds now, this was in the late 70's in a university community.) We kid around for a while, flirt, I finally let him have a pinch of green pepper, tell him what I'm studying and where I am going with the lasagna I am going to make-- a potluck at a student organization to which any student can come. He sounds interested in attending the potluck and I'm feeling pretty positive about the whole encounter until he turns up at the event with his wife. :(
Now I know why I got married. It wasn't because I loved the guy, wanted children, was ready to settle down. It was so I wouldn't have to go through this kind of nonsense any more. ;)
Regarding the clothes, I have a friend in her forties who is very eager to advise me on my wardrobe. But my problem is that I am not trying to attract men in their thirties (her goal) but men in my age-bracket. It would seem to me that younger friends may encourage me to dress younger than I should.
EL
But guys in their 50s want a woman who looks young and fun to them. Maybe let them guide you for some new things - but make sure it is stuff you are comfortable in.
The reason I brought up the clothing thing is two-fold:
1) I have 2 friends who are your age and they are of the generation that bought VERY nice clothes that are sort of conservative and very good quality and classic style that never goes out of style - but in my opinion look very drab and out of style and "married".
2) When you take younger single women with you, you will end up with some fun stuff. I let my babysitters in their 20s redo my wardrobe and it is GREAT!! I have a lot of fun stuff that I like. They leaned me more towards a fun look that is upbeat - I am so thankful. They found all kinds of stores I would never go in that are cheap - whole outfits for $20 or $30. And I learned to shop at Walmart for cute belts. No kidding!! Also like the pants and shirts at Abercrombie - they fit very nice.
Actually, my daughter (age 20) has had a lot of say in my wardrobe, so I don't think my clothes look particularly matronly. And, alas, my friend who wants to take me shopping believes in buying expensive stuff. She will want to go to Banana Republic, for example.
But I do take your point.
My big problem, I think, is that I want to look "available" to those who might be interested but I don't want to look like one of those desperate, mid-life crises people who dress too young because they want to believe they aren't getting older. ;)
Even when I was a teenager, I was always afraid of being "too forward." At my age, I worry about being ridiculous too. And to invest in clothes just for dating when the chances of my ever getting a date seem so very, very slim...
El
"I had one man tell me that it makes them feel like a stud to date younger and attractive women, no matter what the men look like."
Sigh. I think all of us experience that unless we are one of the 18-25 year olds.
Not all are like this - I have found some nice younger guys that want an older woman and some that don't care about the age as long as you have their interests.
Don't give up hope!! Keep us posted. HUGS!
Well, but would wearing a sign on our backs help? ;)
At 50, I figure that while the men my age might be chasing after 40 year olds (or 30 year olds if they can get them) the 60 and 65 year olds might conceivably have some interest in me. But no luck so far.
A couple of younger guys (30-ish) have contacted me on match.com but I have had somewhat creepy feelings about them. (I fear they approach an older woman because they think she might be easy pickings. But maybe I'm being unfair.)
Like you, I just want some people to go out with. If I had enough unattached women friends, I would probably settle for that. Except you can't really dance with a same-sex friend. :(
El
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