is this over the top?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
is this over the top?
5
Fri, 01-01-2010 - 9:07am
Last Spring I started seeing this guy for about 2 months. After a few months we stopped for a bit and got stuck in “friends mode” and then we started again off and on again but there was always a mutual attraction between us and we still kept being “intimate” from time to time. I went abroad in November and December and he subletted my apartment from me…I didn’t ask questions as to who else would be staying (or visiting) there. We weren’t exclusive and I assumed he saw other people, although he never talked about it to me. A few days ago I returned. He picked me up from the airport,and invited me to a New Year’s eve party. We went to the party with his sister and brother in law. When we got to the party there was this woman there, and before long I realized she was his girlfriend. I didn’t know anyone else at the party, it was all her friends and so I felt very uneasy being there on what appeared to be an intimate date with his girlfriend and family. He sensed my unease and invited me to sit next to him and we talked for a while as his girlfriend circulated amongst other guests. Although she put on a happy face I could tell she was uneasy about all this private conversation I was having with him so I felt like an intruder at her party. Eventually she sat down on the other side of him and then they started being really affectionate with each other right in front of me….even kissing. I have never felt so uncomfortable. I tried to hide it but apparently it still must’ve showed. She asked if everything was alright with me…I couldn’t tell if it was out of genuine concern or amusement. When she got up to circulate around again, he said it looked like I wasn’t having a good time. I explained to him that although it was very nice to have invited me to the party, I wish he would’ve let me know ahead of time that he would be there with his girlfriend. He said he understood but I could tell that he didn’t think that I had a reason to be reacting that way. Eventually I called a taxi. He walked me out the front and offered to wait with me for the cab but I insisted he return to the party. He could tell I was upset, but didn’t offer an apology and again I felt like my feelings were being invalidated. I’m not sure why he thought I wouldn’t mind that scenario. Yes, we had become friends but we did occasionally got together still. We had been considering being partners in a business venture he was starting, but I now realize that would not be a good thing for me. We were supposed to have met this morning to discuss ideas but I have not heard from him. I think the least he could do is apologize for having put me in such an awkward situation without consulting me beforehand…. Or show some sympathy for how the whole thing made me feel. It just seems so bluntly obvious to me that it was not cool for him and his girlfriend to be showing PDA and making out in front of my face…right next to me. But his lack of compassion toward my feelings has me questioning myself. Do I not have a reason to feel this way?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-01-2010 - 4:20pm

I definitely think he should have given you a heads up that he had a girlfriend and that she would be there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-01-2010 - 5:21pm
I think that when he invited you to a new year's eve party and you went w/ his relatives, it was like a double date and it was strange that he would take you to a party at his GF's house. After all, NYE isn't just like any other random party day either. He definitely should have told you--and why would he even invite another girl to his GF's party? That's strange in itself, esp. someone that he once dated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 2:52am
Yes, you're right about not waiting for an apology and it still amazes me that he was so clueless about how i'd feel, which is why it had me doubting my own feelings. Ironically, a while back I ran into him once while I was on a date with someone else (he and I were no longer seeing each other). My date wanted to engage in PDA and I resisted out of respect for how it would make him feel....even though he was clear across the other side of the room with his friends. Yet, at the New Year's Eve party I was sitting right next to him and his girlfriend while they engaged in PDA...and during the middle of their PDA she tried to make "conversation" with me by asking if everything was okay with me. I didn't know anyone else at the party so it was difficult for me to get up and mingle (and by that time I had used the excuse of going to the bathroom several times). He didn't have an obligation not to engage in PDA,and in any other circumstance it might not have gotten to me, but it sure would've been the considerate thing to do....especially since I had not asked to be put in such an uncomfortable situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2009
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 3:11am
yes, I totally agree with you there. He had told me ahead of time the name of the woman who's party it was but I didn't know her. At first I berated myself for not having asked him ahead of time if she was his girlfriend. But, since he was inviting me to a New Year's Eve party and we were going together with his sister and brother-in-law it just never entered my mind that maybe the woman throwing the party would be his girlfriend. I assumed she was a family friend. I still don't understand why he didn't just tell me that his girlfriend was having a party...or if he doesn't like labels at the very least he could've referred to her as a woman he's been seeing.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 3:27pm

Yes, I get that you wouldn't do it...but why on earth would you expect someone who put you in such an awkward position to do ANYTHING considerate of your feelings???