PLEASE HELP! I really need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
PLEASE HELP! I really need advice!
2
Thu, 08-21-2008 - 6:45pm

I am a 20 yr old female. I've recently had a child. I was very very in love with the father of my child for almost two years. I didn't understand why...after all. I was only with him for 3 months before I broke up with him. We broke up before I found out that I was pregnant, and my interest in remedying things with him wasn't mutual on his part. Stupidly I was in love with him, and hung on and let him treat me badly and use me for sex for two years. He's a great father, and a great person it seems like. I'd like to think that he doesn't realize how badly he's treating me.


Either way, I've had an epitome and it was like a flip switched in my head and I was magically OUT of love with him. I prayed for guidance and direction and signs for so long from god about what to do. Thankfully, I think with time, I'll be able to be on a friends only basis with him and be ok with that.


Recently I went back to the Nashville area where I used to live, and one of my ex-boyfriends happens to live there. His name is Joe, and he's amazing. Since our breakup, we've remained very close.We broke up over something stupid...I don't even remember what it was now...It was that trivial.. I was the one who broke it off with him. But We were both like 16 then, and we've both matured alot. I attribute it to being young and stupid. I definitely would do things differently now if given the chance over. I'm 20 now. Every year feels like ten as far as maturity level goes. I feel like I can talk to him about absolutely anything and everything in my life and not worry about being judged. I can call him anytime I need someone, and he's there for me. Not just because he has to be, but because he WANTS to be. I've always thought he was very handsome to say the least. He's one of the most genuine guys I know: smart, talented, funny, driven, ambitious, sweet.
I've heard that the best relationships are the ones where you share passions with your partner. We both share a major passion for music. He sings, plays guitar, and writes songs. I do too. He's better at guitar, and I'm better at singing. :) We both LOVE music.


***PLUS: He loves kids. He got to meet my son for the first time since Ethan was born,and was wonderful with him. He was so sweet, and he seems like he would be a great father figure. He loves kids. :) He looked like he was absolutely in love with Ethan when he met him. :)


Getting to the point since I'm writing a book here:


I went to target where he's working at the moment until he graduates college, and he was very touchy feely with me. He gave me "the look"...you know the one where it seems like there's something they want to say but they don't say it...or that they want to do.


My best friend Courtney was there and she said she could feel the chemistry between us. I think it was obvious to everyone around. She said he stared at me alot and couldn't keep his eyes off me...but tried to pretend like he wasn't when I turned around or towards him.


Before I left to go back to Knoxville where I live, I hugged him goodbye.


He squeezed me really hard and didn't let go for like two solid minutes. Then he pulled back and looked at me and said "you take care of yourself, alright? Be safe".... I think I'm starting to fall back in love with him. He makes me get the butterflies all over again. I never thought I'd get those again after recent events. The last two years of my life have been nothing but sadness about the father of my child. In that time, I didnt even have any interest in anyone else. But seeing him IN PERSON again, it just all came back. I cant stop thinking about him...he makes me get that happy/terrified feeling. I want to tell him how I feel, but I'm terrified of being rejected and hurt again...I've just healed enough to feel ok with moving on. But I can't get him off my mind and its driving me nuts. I've completely fallen for him all over again.


Not to mention he lives 3 1/2 hours away from me.
I'm moving at the end of this month to VA and that will make him 10 hours from me.


Is there any possibility there of a relationship?
How do you think I should go about this? Should I tell him, or should I just dismiss it and shove the feelings to the back of my mind?


Is there a way that I can tell him how I feel or gauge how he feels without risking being hurt quite so badly? Like a sneaky way to gauge his interest in me?


I know this is complicated. Thank you so much for any and all help you can give me. I'm very conflicted, and just stuck. I'm not sure what to do about this situation.I really need some advice. BADLY.


Ashley.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
Fri, 08-22-2008 - 2:40am

OK let me give it a try if you can answer a few questions:

How long has it been since the break-up?

Why are you moving to VA?

Sure he loves kids, but would be even contemplate the idea of raising another mans child? And is he understandable that he will compete with the bio dad?

You may have broken off your romantic relationship, but you are still in for 17 years of being co-parents to your son. You can't make that go away and will have to see him often for visitation. Are you moving legally? Some states will not allow a parent to move with the child to another state. Although you do not say if you were married or not, these laws would still apply. You say he is a great father, if that is true, he may fight you on the move. Does he know you are moving?

There is so much more here than just a relationship between you and this man. You have your son and his father also. It will be a foursome whether you like it or not. You are not free to do whatever you like as there are too many people involved.

I don't mean to be a party pooper here, but these are things you need to consider.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-22-2008 - 3:50pm

I was also curious about why you are moving.


I think that since you are, you might as well try to feel him out about the possibility of having any kind of relationship, even if all you can do for right now is phone calls and emails.