Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Please help
12
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 5:31pm

I started seeing a guy I was friends with in high school. I hadn't seen him in 20 years, but we found each other on Facebook. He started chatting with me online and he asked for my phone number. Last Saturday, he asked me to come over to his place so we could catch up. We talked for a few hours and it was really nice. He told me he had a crush on me in high school and said he wished he would've asked me out but was too shy. He started kissing me and we were making out and we ended up in bed. I stayed with him all night. Things seemed pretty good. I left in the morning and he told me to call him later. So I did that night and we talked for quite a while. We both had bad divorces so we were talking a lot about that. Before we hung up, he told me to call him during the week.

I called him Wednesday night. He said "I wondered when you were gonna call." I said "well, you could've called me too." But anyway, we talked a while and he told me to come over after work on Thursday. I thought things were going well at that point. When I got to his house, he didn't hug or kiss me. He said let's order something to eat. So we got a pizza and brought it back to his house. We talked more about our divorce experiences and I had already told him that my ex was abusive to me and because of him I had a low self esteem. He said the same of himself. So after a while I gave him a hug and kiss. Then he said something that absolutely broke my heart. He told me that he won't date heavy women. I am overweight - but working on losing and have already lost 20 lbs. I've been told that I am pretty. In high school I was really thin, but have gained some weight over the years. Anyway, he said his brother always dates heavy women and that their family always makes fun of him for that and that he (the guy I was seeing) can't handle that. He said I know it shouldn't matter and that it should be a woman's character but he just can't date someone like that. I was absolutely stunned and didn't know what to say. He didn't think I was too heavy to have sex with, though! So I put my coat on, told him that I wasn't going to waste his time anymore, and I left.

Sorry this was so long, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all this. I was really starting to feel good about myself. I lost a dress size, bought some new clothes - even started wearing skirts and high heels again! I was actually happy. But now my self-esteem has hit an all time low again after what he said to me and I just want to dig a hole and hide myself.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Pages

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: shellrw
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 5:39am

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

This man is thoughtless and sooo not worth your time. Honestly, "I don't date fat women"? But I guess it's OK if they come over to your house for a booty call. He put no effort into dating you--you came over to his house, he asked you to call him, he ordered pizza, I mean how much lazier can a man get?

I'm not sure how long you've been divorced, but maybe you aren't ready to start dating yet? I think it's better to not discuss your divorce with someone you are just starting to date. Save that for your friends or a therapist.

I know a bad marriage can be hard on your self esteem, however, I think in order to get beyond the hurt and anger, you really need to understand why you chose such a person to begin with. In fact, I think it's more important to focus on that than to try to "figure out" the other person (I am speaking from experience here).

And lastly--good for you for losing a dress size! You go with the heels and skirt! Please don't let this setback keep you from your weight loss goals. I saw an author on Oprah who's written a book called "Women, Food and God" and it looks really good. I want to read it myself even though I've never had a serious weight issue. I've read excerpts online and I think it really nails it.

Anyway, chin up and good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
In reply to: shellrw
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 11:41am

Thank-you for your good advice! I've been divorced for several years, but suffered badly from the marriage. I am seeing a therapist. I guess I was telling him about my problems because he was telling me about his. I wanted him to know that I understood how he was feeling. But now I know that he's definitely got major issues and is definitely not worth my time!

I checked out that book you recommended on Barnes and Noble.com and it does look very good. So I am going to purchase it and read it.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
In reply to: shellrw
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 11:56pm

Yes, I saw the Oprah show where the author talked about all she went through. I have a book of hers from years ago; she's come a long way. Plus she's making money opening her heart and writing about her experiences. A worthwhile combination that's come together for her. Not an easy journey.


I agree with the idea of working on yourself before jumping into dating. No man should have the power to make you feel so bad.


Dating is tough enough and we face rejection in email and later in person. So it's really important to have expectations. Those should include being asked OUT rather than IN, for example. And when you finally become intimate, it's so much better when there is an emotional connection.


A rotten marriage colors your thinking and perhaps the ability to see some things clearly. I know. And believe me, Internet dating can take a toll, because it all hinges on trust. Bad experiences wear away at our ability to trust.


Go slowly, then, and treat yourself well in the process of rediscovery. I'm intersted in your take on the book, so perhaps you'll let us know. Thanks for posting here. It can't have been easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: shellrw
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 4:03pm
Really I can sympathize. I am quite a bit heavier than I was in high school, not huge, but not thin either. I have been going to the gym but it's a slow process. I know that in our society thin is definitely in but that doesn't mean that larger people can't find someone. In fact, my 2nd ex thought I was perfect just the way I was--he was never on me to lose weight. I think you probably felt there was a higher level of trust w/ this guy since you knew him in high school so you got intimate quickly and maybe told him things right away that you wouldn't have told someone you just met through OLD. Too bad he turned out to be such a jerk. I can't even imagine an adult coming out and saying "I can't date someone fat cause my family will make fun of me." What kind of family does that anyway?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
In reply to: shellrw
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 2:27am

Shellrw


Sorry about your bad experience, that's a shame it turned out that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: shellrw
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 4:06pm
Many people are thoughtless. He may not have been referencing you. But it is our insecurities that come into play.
xvx Pictures, Images and Photos


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
In reply to: shellrw
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 8:30pm
Thanks everyone for all your responses. I'm still working on losing weight - so far I've lost 30 lbs. I want to lose a lot more before I feel good about myself. I know from experience that most guys would prefer thin women, because when I was a lot thinner guys were interested in dating me. I would just like to meet a man who would like me for me - ask me out on a date and not want to just have a one night stand. I'm always comparing myself to thinner women and how lucky they are - at least they seem to be to me. The ones I know all have husbands/boyfriends. I would just like one, too. Everyone tells me that I'm a nice person and pretty but it just doesn't seem to be enough for a good man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
In reply to: shellrw
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 3:22am

"I want to lose a lot more before I feel good about myself."

This is kind of off topic, but there is nothing stopping you from feeling good about yourself now. A lot of times people assume that once they lose the weight they will start to feel good about themselves, but the truth is that if you don't like yourself now you will not like yourself then either. You will always find something about your appearance to be unhappy with.

Good men are attracted to confident women. If you feel good about yourself you will have much better luck attracting the kind of guy you want, and you DON'T have to lose a single pound for that to happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
In reply to: shellrw
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 10:23am
Thank-you for your response. I understand what you are saying. But unfortunately, it seems like most guys would rather date slim women. When I was thin, I got a lot of attention from men and was asked out a lot. But since I've been overweight, that has all changed. I've tried the online dating and guys would chat with me and some I even spoke with on the phone. All were excited to meet me but as soon as we met in person, I could tell they were disappointed when they first saw me. So that is why I believe that men prefer thin women.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
In reply to: shellrw
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 12:45am

Well, I've been overweight (anywhere from 20-60 lbs over my "ideal" and most often on the higher end) for over 10 years and have never had a problem finding people to date. When I did online dating I always had full body photos included in my profile and nobody I went out with got anything they didn't expect. I'm sure if I lost weight it would make the dating pool larger for me, but it would also make it much more shallow. Honestly, I'm not interested in dating someone who is only attracted to me at a certain size.

If you believe you are attractive, without any qualifiers, then other people will too. Maybe not "most" men, but you don't need most men to be attracted to you, you just need the right one to be.

I'm not telling you you shouldn't try to lose weight, nor am I telling you that you should. I'm saying you have every right to feel good about yourself at any weight, and if you do feel good about yourself that will show outwardly.

Pages