Round Two with Mr. Potato Head
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| Sat, 04-25-2009 - 7:34pm |
Late yesterday evening Mr. Potato Head sent me a longish friendly e-mail. And at the end he says, "There are no good movies this weekend, so let's plan to go out next weekend even if there isn't a good movie."
Notice he doesn't say what day. Notice also he is acting as if the only reason he didn't phone me to go out last weekend(or ask me out for this weekend)was that he was waiting for a good movie. (Shouldn't he have discussed it with me? Maybe there's a movie I wanted to see even if he didn't.)
I took my time answering, but in the end I told him that I wasn't going to agree to go out on a date with him again unless he made a specific commitment as far as day and approximate time, and communicated with me if he changed his mind. I explained that I had understood that he was going to call me the week before last, and he had just left it all in the air.
Now it is up to him. We will see what he says. I hope he takes it gracefully and apologizes, but I am not going to hold my breath. He's already shown me that he may disappear for a while if it suits him.
I'm a little worried, but I'm also relieved. I'd rather have this sort of thing out in the open.
Dabela

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I'm 51 & going through my 2nd divorce and I think it's this kind of thing that's stopping me from putting any effort into finding a guy (I really just don't meet people in real life). I wonder if it's even worth it. I am also short & plump, although I have been told I look younger than my age and I dress nicely, have a good job and have many fine qualities. I was discussing this w/ a friend recently who is also divorced and we were saying how middle aged men can be very average looking but still they want a thin beautiful woman who is preferably at least 10 yrs younger than they are. Well, let's be real here--why would those kids of women be going for them? I do believe that it's better to be alone than to "settle" for a guy who has emotional or financial problems. Looks are less important. I'd rather have a nice guy who wasn't so hot in looks. I think if you meet people IRL and get to know them, they don't care as much about looks, but it's understandable if you do OLD because that's the first thing you see is the picture. BTW, I have started day one of my exercise program to lose weight--it's not to get a guy, but just because I can't stand how I look any more and my pants are all getting tight! I refuse to buy a bigger size and I'd like to go down a size, but I know I will never be thin.
As far as your first post, I think it's strange that he would say "if there are no good movies next weekend, we'll do something else." If he really wanted to see you and there were no movies he wanted to see, why wouldn't he say "there are no good movies, so would you like to just go to dinner, go dancing, go wherever, or ask you if you had any other ideas of what you wanted to do?" If he's willing to do something else next weekend, then why not do it this weekend? Doesn't make much sense to me.
I think we talked about the Sills book a while back. I loved it!
Only thing is that she could have perhaps put in something about those of us who've been doing *this* a long time, how NOT to get discouraged over time.
I guess that's why we come here, huh?
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
I need to lose some weight to avert the diabetes that hits women in my family in their sixties, so there is a health reason. But losing weight is boring, so aiming at attracting a better sort of man is as good a goal as any.
Yeah, I get the feeling that there just isn't much out there in the male department, especially when I am not willing to settle for a guy with more hang ups than my ex had.
I'll look for that book next time I'm at Barnes and Noble's.
Yeah, Mr. Potato Head isn't even good for potato salad. It's really a shame though. It's not like there's rows of suitable men waiting to meet me and take me places.
But I got divorced because my ex couldn't find the energy to focus on my needs. Why should I repeat that sort of relationship?
What I thought he meant was that he didn't want to keep postponing meeting just because there were no good movies and so he wasn't going to postpone getting together just because there was no movie to see. I think he was trying to use the lack of good movies as an excuse for not having asked me out the other week when he said he would. But who knows.
I have definitely written him off, not only because he didn't answer my e-mail but because he seems to have more baggage than fits on my luggage rack.
Like you, I wonder if it is worth the bother of trying to date. I go through long periods when I don't bother, and although I get to go out a little less, my life is a lot more peaceful.
And yeah, the best reason to lose weight and so forth is one's own health and feeling good. It's just that if I looked a little better maybe it would improve the odds in some cases.
I read the Sills book, too (in addition to "A Fine Romance"--quite good) but I felt the book was aimed mostly at women who become divorced at midlife after a long marriage. I am in midlife, but I've been divorced a really long time. So, I didn't get that much out of it. In fact, I found it a little depressing.
And yes, how does one not become discouraged ($64,000 question)?
I actually don't have that much free time to date, which is why I'm not making the effort right now--I have a 13 yr old son at home (plus a 20 yr old DD in college) so I only have EOW free. He will also visit his dad during the week for dinner, but by the time I get home from work it's not much time. Even the EOW thing recently got messed up. My ex works for the post office and he used to work on Sat. a.m. but get out at 12:30 p.m., so he would take DS starting Fri night. Now starting last week, his hours got changed so every other day of the week, he works unitl 12:30, but on Sat. he will be working 8:00 - 4:30 p.m.! So there's no point for him taking DS on Fri. night if he has to work all day Sat. and it also kills the whole Sat. for me, although I could still go out in the afternoon and leave him for a couple of hours.
What I have done is join a couple of groups so when I do have free time I have stuff to do. I joined a women's group which does things like a book club and once a month we go out to dinner. Then I joined a movie watcher's club but I have only been able to go once. When I did it was fun. That is a co-ed group, but the time I went, there were 5 single women & 1 married couple. Still we had a good time--we watched the movie and then went out to eat. I am hoping to be able to go to another one soon. So at least I am having some fun and getting out of the house.
I do understand what you mean about the weight though. It's hard to feel attractive and that men want to date you if you don't feel good about yourself. (Hey, I did a 15 min. yoga workout before work this a.m.)
I'm in a movie watcher's club too, but the couple of times I went everyone was much younger than I, and I felt out of place. Plus I have never had trouble going to the movies by myself, so long as it is not on a Friday or Saturday night. But I am definitely always looking for activities that let me socialize and have fun without needing to have a date. It's just that because I am so busy, it's hard to build new relationships with people who are equally busy.
My dates are few and far between. I was on Yahoo for a while, and left my profile up after I stopped paying for it. But now I am just on Plenty of Fish and OkCupid which are free sites. If someone contacts me, I respond, but I rarely initiate the contact myself, and sometimes months go by that I don't visit the sites. Mr. Potato Head contacted ME because he liked my profile and he made me feel valued and wanted for a little bit. I had forgotten how much I missed that.
Fundamentally, I never liked "the dating game," not even when I was young and thin and attractive. I prefer to get to know people in less formalized ways. As a college student, it was easy to be part of a group and pair off within the group without too much fanfare. But it's harder as you get older.
I've been divorced for a long time too but I still found it interesting--I definitely identified with the people who are in the "fear of making a mistake" camp (as opposed to in the "fear of being alone" camp).
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