Rubber banding or dumping me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Rubber banding or dumping me?
28
Wed, 10-28-2009 - 8:27pm

I've been dating someone a little over two months now, see each other once or twice a week (we both have custody of our kids), always really great dates. He has been calling me, texting me or e-mailing me every day, usually nothing special, just a check in.

Saturday we had a great date. As we were ending it, he suggested we get together on Sunday to take my dog for a nature walk. I said ok, he said he'd call. He did call Sunday morning, and texted me a few times while he was doing some shopping for his kids. Then a text late that night saying sorry about the walk...basically he blew it off, which surprised me because he has always been very good about keeping his word.

A text late Monday night and then nothing since then.

So what the heck is going on here? Is this the classic rubber banding (I'm not so sure I believe this is a real thing or an excuse for bad behavior) or am I being dumped?

Yes, I know I shouldn't freak out because it's only been two days, but this is very uncharacteristic for this guy, so I am a little confused to say the least.

I get advice to call and say WTF, or advice to sit back and do nothing. While I would like to sit back and do nothing, how long is this supposed to go on for? How am I supposed to feel about this behavior? I mean, I have been "trained" (for lack of a better word) to expect daily contact, so when it gets pulled away (and I don't even get a response to something I sent) what do I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 5:33am
I know exactly what you're talking about! And it's an extremely frustrating situation. On one hand, two days isn't bad. But on the other if he's going off his usual pattern I can understand why you'd be upset. My advice would be to just be patient for a week or two and see if things go back to normal. I say after that if they haven't, have a talk with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 8:24am

Seriously?


If I do not call a woman I have been seeing for two months for two days you freak out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 5:51pm

Gee, rainman, thanks for the sarcasm, that really helps me feel so much better about the situation.

I come here to get some help when I am feeling bad about something. Yeah, I DO feel bad about the situation. I don't understand when I have come to expect a level of contact and then it disappears for no reason. I have been dumped a number of times in not so nice ways, so sometimes when I get that feeling that it is happening again, I feel bad and panic a bit.

Women are told to never call men in this situation...did you know that? So many of us are left to sit and wonder what has happened. If you read these boards enough, you see that this happens all the time. I hope you never have to feel this way.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 8:36pm

I'm assuming since you use the term "rubberband" you've read Mars Venus on a Date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 10:49pm
Sorry about the sarcasm in my response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 10-31-2009 - 9:36am

Thanks for the advice. I am not sure what is going on. I was flattered by the contact because it wasn't crazy/pushy, it was just nice to know that someone was thinking about me. It felt good. I felt really happy. Then, boom, gone.

I got a quick text or two after I put up my original post, but they were kind of vague, no talk about getting together again or anything. So I don't know what is going on, I don't know why this is happening, and I feel like I don't know how to approach it without sounding like a needy person.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-31-2009 - 7:26pm

I don't think you should bring it up, not yet at least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 9:13am

There was never any agreement to be exclusive, it just kind of happened. My match subscription ran out and I didn't feel like renewing it, I don't know what his story was. I stopped seeing other people because the ones I was dating at the beginning just weren't rocking my world. Then between all my other obligations and the lack of Match leads, I just didn't have the opportunity TO meet anyone.

I have gotten a few texts from him, nothing to write home about, no indication from him that he wants to actually see me again...

I'm going to give it a few more days then reactivate my Match account. I figure it will be a while before anything happens with someone new, so I don't feel like I am jumping back in without 'mourning' this past one. Goodness knows I've done enough mourning this past week.

So here's the next question...how do you know if you are going to flame out? I didn't see this last guy all that much, maybe once a week, two or three phone calls a week, but yes, texts and emails. He seemed to have so much integrity...he did all the things he said he would.

I'm so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 7:37pm

Yes, I agree with Sherri and Judith Sills is my hero.


I apologize for coming into this thread so late, but I've been following Startover's posts for a time now. We've shared some Toxic revelations. Plus I can empathize all too well that feeling you get when the man seems to be pulling back. Perhaps that is a leftover (a bit of a bitter one, too) from those of us who've been doing OLD for a while.


I never ever want to turn into a cynic. But trust takes time, especially if you've been through *it* with a man who seems to have real possibilities, only to have him behave differently and all too suddenly. As if his representative had to go on to other, more investment-worthy pursuits.


So we may not get our hearts broken, not exactly, but this is all a matter of building slowly.


Men, how would you enjoy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 7:57pm

Hey there, I just got back from a conference in New Orleans and didn't have time to keep up with Ivillage while I was gone...so sorry for the delay in responding.

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