Rubber banding or dumping me?
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| Wed, 10-28-2009 - 8:27pm |
I've been dating someone a little over two months now, see each other once or twice a week (we both have custody of our kids), always really great dates. He has been calling me, texting me or e-mailing me every day, usually nothing special, just a check in.
Saturday we had a great date. As we were ending it, he suggested we get together on Sunday to take my dog for a nature walk. I said ok, he said he'd call. He did call Sunday morning, and texted me a few times while he was doing some shopping for his kids. Then a text late that night saying sorry about the walk...basically he blew it off, which surprised me because he has always been very good about keeping his word.
A text late Monday night and then nothing since then.
So what the heck is going on here? Is this the classic rubber banding (I'm not so sure I believe this is a real thing or an excuse for bad behavior) or am I being dumped?
Yes, I know I shouldn't freak out because it's only been two days, but this is very uncharacteristic for this guy, so I am a little confused to say the least.
I get advice to call and say WTF, or advice to sit back and do nothing. While I would like to sit back and do nothing, how long is this supposed to go on for? How am I supposed to feel about this behavior? I mean, I have been "trained" (for lack of a better word) to expect daily contact, so when it gets pulled away (and I don't even get a response to something I sent) what do I do?

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I was wondering about *your* guy but didn't want to ask. Now I know. So sorry to hear it. Unfortunately, I'm not surprised. Isn't that sad. That I'm not surprised, I mean.
Sheri, you seem so level-headed about this. I suppose you don't have a choice, as I don't when it happens to me--the last time was a guy I met almost exactly a year ago. Didn't disappear. Did the s-l-o-w withdrawal, the sort of thing where they don't admit anything's changing, in other words, you're imagining it all. Then when you finally confront the guy, he can't talk about it. Just as bad as the Magical Disappearing Act.
I'm going now to sit on my bed and read my fiction-bio of Marilyn Monroe. The one by Joyce Carol Oates. Now there's a woman whose beauty didn't seem to help her none in the Happiness Department!
Thanks, and yeah, I agree, the slow fade totally sucks too.
I know exactly what you mean about the not suprised thing...me neither, and it IS sad.
I'm a little upset about this at the moment because I was "just browsing" on CL, not really ready to get back out there, but guess what?
Verdict: dumped.
His behavior was so off the past two weeks. Too many texts, few phone calls, and the date we had for this past Saturday, he canceled by texting me that morning saying he had stomach flu.
I called him we talked for a bit, and he abruptly got off the phone, saying he'd call me back in a little bit. He didn't, but 'trusting' old stupid me sent a message saying that I know how much it sucks to be sick and be single, why don't you let me stop by, we'll watch the movie we were going to watch, I'll make you some tea, and then I'll bolt back home. He said, thanks, but no. Then I felt like I had been pushy, so I called back and left a message apologizing for being pushy. He called right back, we talked for 45 minutes, laughing the whole time. Then he abruptly ended the conversation.
The next morning I sent him a text about a movie I was watching. That was 9 am, never heard back from him.
This morning I was bad and my gut said to do it...I went on Match and looked up his profile. Sure enough, he had been on in the past 24 hours. Over a month ago, he wasn't even on the site.
My heart sank. But I had a nagging feeling that I would find this. So I sent a text at 8 this morning asking what is going on and if I should be moving on. As of now, I have heard nothing.
I just don't get it. How do you treat someone so well two weeks ago and then suddenly change your feelings? And how do people think it's OK to just stop calling and not to make some closure?
The past two weeks felt weird to me, so this isn't totally unexpected. But why is he texting me Thursday saying our date idea is great, I'm the funniest person he knows, only to give me the cold shoulder two days later.
I don't get it
I mean, wouldn't it be nicer to say "I'm moving on" than to do this stuff?
Sending that email probably made you feel pretty good.
I almost sent him an email on Match, but then remembered I wasn't a paying member any more. I was going to say pretty much the same thing you did.
Part of me is so sad, but part of me says (something rude) I might as well get back in the saddle again. Not like I'm hurting HIS feelings or anything!
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that!
Whoa! Bold move.
Touche.
(but I'm sorry it hasn't worked out)
sorry you're going through this... I've been there just recently also... when a man doesn't call he is sending you a huge message... the message that he's just not that into you.
All I can say here is GOODY GOODY for you! Telling him straight out and being polite about it, but saying it nevertheless.
What IS it about these guys who can't be honest. I guess he figured he couldn't pony up in person, an email was limp, and so he ignored and ghosted.
Well, talk about *limp* nahhh, you wouldn't want me to, so I'll just state the obvious: better you found out now rather than later.
Btw, is this a guy you've had a go-around with before or was he brand new?
I've been there and it sucks when you really like the guy and he's been treating you special. And yes, I've had the experience of the behavior change, however subtle it seems at first, somehow I knew. It must be a woman thing.
That was PodMan, because my good friend's theory was that when he came back from London for New Year's Eve, especially to see little ole me, he'd somehow been replaced by a pod. Likely, the pod was in his suitcase and didn't get activated for a day or so. *It* happened the day after New Year's. He didn't call me to see him at the weekend. Yup, change of behavior.
There have been a couple of times that this behavior change and the eventual ghosting didn't bother me so much. Not a lot of feelings for the guy, and the feelings began fading when I realized he simply wasn't contacting me as much as I needed the contact to feel connected. Not the same as your situation.
It seems as if these guys who do/say/act on all the right things, following through when they say they will, etc. know how to please a woman. Are they going through the motions in the beginning? To hook the woman? Sounds ridic, I know.
We'll never figure it out. The thing I'm guessing is they're not home analyzing us, posting on Men's Village, or any such thing.
It's yucky getting back out there, but we can do it! Let's leave 'em in the pen.
I do think I like your theory that there are too many people to choose from in OLD and men feel like they should keep shopping. It's like going into a mega-size grocery store and seeing a whole big aisle full of ...cereal...or whatever. How can you possibly make a choice & know that you found the best one? Are you constantly thinking of all the other people on OLD and maybe there is someone you like better? It's like shopping from a catalog. Personally I just did a search one night on match just of guys in my age group that were w/in a short distance of my house and there were so many...I don't think I narrowed it down that much, so maybe if I used other criteria, there would be less, but still...
I am still hoping to meet someone IRL and not have to do OLD, but in the year since I've been div, I haven't met any possibilities. I did just find out that the contractor who is coming to do some work for me who I think is nice is divorced. I didn't really know how to bring that up in conversation before. He does know I'm divorced, so maybe now I'll have to flirt a little. Otherwise, I have a big dearth of men--there is no one at work and I don't go to bars and my friends have no one to fix me up with, so I don't know how I'll meet someone otherwise.
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