Rubber banding or dumping me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Rubber banding or dumping me?
28
Wed, 10-28-2009 - 8:27pm

I've been dating someone a little over two months now, see each other once or twice a week (we both have custody of our kids), always really great dates. He has been calling me, texting me or e-mailing me every day, usually nothing special, just a check in.

Saturday we had a great date. As we were ending it, he suggested we get together on Sunday to take my dog for a nature walk. I said ok, he said he'd call. He did call Sunday morning, and texted me a few times while he was doing some shopping for his kids. Then a text late that night saying sorry about the walk...basically he blew it off, which surprised me because he has always been very good about keeping his word.

A text late Monday night and then nothing since then.

So what the heck is going on here? Is this the classic rubber banding (I'm not so sure I believe this is a real thing or an excuse for bad behavior) or am I being dumped?

Yes, I know I shouldn't freak out because it's only been two days, but this is very uncharacteristic for this guy, so I am a little confused to say the least.

I get advice to call and say WTF, or advice to sit back and do nothing. While I would like to sit back and do nothing, how long is this supposed to go on for? How am I supposed to feel about this behavior? I mean, I have been "trained" (for lack of a better word) to expect daily contact, so when it gets pulled away (and I don't even get a response to something I sent) what do I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Wed, 11-11-2009 - 9:48pm

"We'll never figure it out. The thing I'm guessing is they're not home analyzing us, posting on Men's Village, or any such thing."

You might be surprised. I frequent a message board where probably over 90% of the users are men, and threads pop up all the time that are virtually identical, all posted by guys. They agonize and over analyze too when it's someone they really like.

100_0377
My Kiddo :)



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 5:31pm

Interesting.

Would you please share the link or the name of the site with us? Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 5:51pm

I actually went on one of those man sites, and it's true, they have the same complaints.

I emailed disappearing man because I woke up really p.o'ed yesterday (and I had the day off, so too much time on my hands). I said that this was really unacceptable behavior, I had really thought we had something nice going, and I am surprised by this sudden change in behavior.

He sent me one back asap, saying something had happened with his ex and daughter and he didn't feel like talking to anyone. I said I understand the feeling, but you still have to let someone know what is up. We have the same situation in that both our ex's are bipolar and we both have our kids all the time (though his ex does have some overnight time...mine just ignores his kids).

So now his excuse is he is not so sure he is as available as he thought he was, he actually wrote that he had a good life before the kids and he'll have a good life again once they are older. Whatever. What is so bizarre is that he has hired help, he has a really easy paced job, and his ex does have the kids a night or two a week. I have none of these, plus I work a second job, plus I am in school AND I can find SOME time to date.

I guess that was as close as I am going to get to an official break up.

How do you go from having an amazing night with someone, making plans for future activities, then turn it off?

I guess HIS pod came out.
Excuses, excuses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-12-2009 - 11:01pm

How long has it been since he got div? Were you his 1st rel? I wonder if he is feeling guilty that he shouldn't get involved due to his kids. I know a few months ago, I did put my profile on an OLD site and I was actually talking to one guy on the phone, when I decided I just couldn't do it. I felt at that time that I didn't have enough free time to date, even though I only have 14 yr old DS at home. His dad has him EOW, but only from Sat at 5:00 to Sun (because he works all days Sat.) and he takes him a couple of nights a week, but not for that long. He was there tonight but DS wanted me to pick him up at 7:30 cause he wanted to be home to watch something on TV at 8:00 (Thurs is his favorite TV night) so that hardly gives me much time to date. The funny thing is that I got so sick of he & his dad changing the week days on me and never knowing what was going on, that when I had other stuff to do like meetup groups, I would just tell DS "On Tues next week I'm going out to dinner." and the funny part was that he didn't really care at all about being left home alone for a couple of hours. So I guess I could date if I wanted to, although not late nights except on those EO Sat. But maybe this guy is still trying to figure out how he can date and have time for the kids. A lot of divorced parents don't realize that they deserve to have a life of their own and put 100% (or at least 90%) of their effort into their kids. My SIL was like that--her kids were about 12 & 13 when she got div & she never went out on any dates. She had this idea that they shouldn't have another man in their life, so she went to the extreme of not dating at all. Now they are grown and she's thinking she might want to date, but it's been 10 yrs! That's kind of extreme to me. Not that this is a justification for him not talking to you--it would have been a lot better for him to just bring this up and discuss it w/ you even if the end result was a breakup, at least you wouldn't feel so used.

And I probably told you this, but I can't remember--my ex has bipolar too -- glad we didn't have kids together.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 8:17pm

"How do you go from having an amazing night with someone, making plans for future activities, then turn it off?"

Well, I'm not sure a balanced person does. My sister and I discussed the whole thing endlessly because she and my niece (who doesn't like that many people) met him. We have a joke about how he fooled us all, especially my sister, who's a tough nut and mighty perceptive. Part of the verdict was that he was (still is, I suspect) a smoothie, knows how to please women, both in what to say and how to act.

But he couldn't keep it up, had to revert to his true self. Damaged. My sis calls him a sociopath, adept at couching his real character. She may have something there.

One thing I've found to be true: most guys, for whatever reason, when they DON'T WANT TO CONTINUE, will rarely tell you the straight scoop. I don't mean *why*. All I mean is to let us know they're DONE, be honest about it. Women are better at that.

My guy would've probably continued for other reasons. My feelings had changed, though. His pulling back did that to me.

The thing is that even if your guy goes away and comes back in a few weeks, will you be able to revive your feelings for him? Or will the trust be gone?

Do you want and desire a man who can't talk about the hard stuff? That's the question I had to ask myself. I had the Clam Man for a husband, didn't want to repeat that one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Fri, 11-13-2009 - 8:19pm
Man site, which one? I'd like to check it out, thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Sat, 11-14-2009 - 8:31am

Yeah, I've thought about that, and someone at work pointed out the same thing...do you want to be with someone who bolts when things get complicated? Definitely no.

He has been divorced for four years and his nutty ex (I was witness to one of her scenes, granted over the phone, but I can confirm she's off) does have the kids one or two nights a week, however, about 50% of the time he does have to retrieve them, or she changes the schedule. So while he technically has free time, there is often an "on-call" aspect to it.

But this has been going on for several years, and the pattern has continues. It's not my business to tell him how to run his family.

As for the 'man sites', I can't remember what I was on, I was looking up trying to figure out men and clicked on one. I think askmen.com? Just google online dating and there are all sorts of blogs and advice sites that seem to be by men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sun, 11-15-2009 - 1:55am
It's the forums at Spacebattles.com. They have one forum dedicated to non sci-fi discussions.
100_0377
My Kiddo :)



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