"She Seems Needy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
"She Seems Needy"
11
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 4:53am

So a little wordy, but wanted to share my recent experience with "trying to date"

So last wk I was at my 2 best friends wk & noticed their co-worker & thought he was cute. After I left I shot them out a txt stating this. Apparently he thought the same thing about me. So what did I do? I gave it a few days facebk requested him & shot him out a msg asking if he wanted to get drinks sometime. He responded yes he would like that. I gave him my cell # so we could txt about a time/date. So I heard nothing from him for days! I mentioned this to one of my best friends & she mentioned to him "so when r u & "c" going to get toghether" and he says oh Im not sure my schedule has beeh hectic blah blah.... So she says well u should send her a text telling her that!  So he texts me that day & we have a small conversation that day. So I txt him again the next day just to chat & he doesn't reply to me. My best friend said something to him at wk about me in passing & he says, "well shes cute but seems kinda needy". What? how does txting someone to get to know them make them needy? Im so confused. We have literally had 2 conversations face to face & 1 txt conversation & now Im needy? If he didn't want to get together why did he even say yes in the first place?

Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 9:09am

Even though it's the 21st century, guys like the chase. You are the one who has made all the first moves, asking him for drinks and inititiating conversations. In the future, let the guy take the lead. He has to make the effort to get and retain your attention. It's silly, but men are from mars and women are from venus. Our brains are different and that's the way it is. Move on. Eventually you'll find someone you'll fit together with like pieces of a puzzle.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 9:20am

csmithrn28 wrote:
<p>So a little wordy, but wanted to share my recent experience with "trying to date"</p><p>So last wk I was at my 2 best friends wk &amp; noticed their co-worker &amp; thought he was cute. After I left I shot them out a txt stating this. Apparently he thought the same thing about me. So what did I do? I gave it a few days facebk requested him &amp; shot him out a msg asking if he wanted to get drinks sometime. He responded yes he would like that. I gave him my cell # so we could txt about a time/date. So I heard nothing from him for days! I mentioned this to one of my best friends &amp; she mentioned to him "so when r u &amp; "c" going to get toghether" and he says oh Im not sure my schedule has beeh hectic blah blah.... So she says well u should send her a text telling her that!  So he texts me that day &amp; we have a small conversation that day. So I txt him again the next day just to chat &amp; he doesn't reply to me. My best friend said something to him at wk about me in passing &amp; he says, "well shes cute but seems kinda needy". What? how does txting someone to get to know them make them needy? Im so confused. We have literally had 2 conversations face to face &amp; 1 txt conversation &amp; now Im needy? If he didn't want to get together why did he even say yes in the first place?</p><p>Any thoughts?</p>

I think it depends upon what you want: do you want to have the male energy in the relationship or do you want to have the female energy in the relationship?  Male energy chases; female energy inspires the chase.  You've entered into male energy with a male energy guy---and he probably wanted to do the chasing on his timetable.

I'd say back off of this and if he's of the mind to chase you, then he will.  He knows you're interested. Let him take it from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 9:44am

This is an interesting concept, Kendahke.  I am in a situation where I've gone on a couple of dates with a guy, both initiated by him.  We belong to the same meetup group & last Sat. I had already rsvp'ed to go to a dance that he said he was going to & then he didn't show.  I did text him that night--I probably should have texted him earlier to ask if he was going--I would have gone anyway since that was my original plan.  He did text back saying that he was sorry but had too many things to do that weekend.  A couple of my friends are saying "ask him to do something" but I just don't feel like I want to do that.  Obviously he's capable of asking me out since he has done that--and he must know I would say yes.  I mean the 1st time is the hardest for the guy, since he doesn't know if the woman is interested, but I said yes, so there's little risk now for him.  But I just don't want to chase him--I want to know that he's interested in me enough to take the initiative and ask me.  I feel that younger people don't seem to have those stereotypes of the roles of men & women, but I'm not sure since I'm older.  I would think that with modern times and people having less stereotyped roles in work, etc. that those differences would have gone away, but it doesn't seem to have. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 5:27pm

I agree with you, Musiclover... when it comes to the older guys, I dunno--maybe it's the decrease in testosterone in them, but I, too have the same experience as you.  The men just seem to want to be wooed like a young maiden and if I want to go out on a date, I've got to suit up in armor and get my horse tacked up right.  When I was younger, the guys seemed to trip all over themselves chasing me.

If I only knew then what I know today...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 10:12pm

Well I can't say that even when I was younger I had tons of men chasing me so maybe that's better -- it's like a woman who used to rely on great beauty feeling depressed about getting older and not being able to attract men any more--since I was never the most beautiful one, I had to find other ways to attract men.  I guess since I did manage to find 2 men to get married to plus a couple of other relationships, it wasn't a total failure.

I have this friend from dance class who is an interesting specimen to observe.  I know he's looking for a girlfriend since I've seen him on OLD sites.  People have reported to me that they have seen him at the local nightclub/pickup place for middle aged people trolling around but being afraid to ask women to dance.  At our school dances he does at least ask the women to dance--I guess we are "safe" since he knows us well & knows we won't say no.  I was trying for a while to get him to ask me out--I asked him out for drinks (along with another woman) and he came but then he takes no initiative.  Finally I got tired of that.  I know I'm not the only one who would go out with him either.  But who wants to be with a man where you have to do all the work?  It used to be that if you at least kind of flirted with a guy and let him know you were interested, that would be enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 10:28am
Csmith - I'm a guy - my current girlfriend made the first move. I was putting together my approach and she just beat me to it. I like a chase, but the bottom line is that I was attracted to her and we connected from the start, so it didn't matter.
 
Sometimes it all has to do with timing - he may not be ready for anyone even if he says he is.
 
Or this is how he does things, slow and disjointed. He does sound like he may have mamby-pamby tendencies. The kind of person that even if his male friends text him to hang out, he will say - well, maybe, kind of sort of, we'll see if I have the time.
 
So "needy" to him is anyone who actually wants a time and place commitment from him. I used to have a friend like that but I got tired of it
 
You may suddenly hear from him in a few weeks or months as if there had been no time in between. But at this point, you did everything to make it possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 10:09pm

I am a 50 year old guy. My wife made the first move to meet me by contacting me at an online dating site. IMO, making the first move with a guy is fine, but making the first, second, and third moves is not. The man either will follow through or not.  If he doesn't, you just have to accept it. That's part of life, just like we have to accept that women turn us down or ignore our internet dating emails. However, a woman making too many moves too soon makes a guy suspicious. Nature meant for us to be the pursuers, so when the role is reversed, warning signals flash.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Mon, 05-06-2013 - 6:33am

Thanks for that reply. I get the feeling hes like that too. From talking to his friends about it, they said he is socially awkward. They even said that he may have used that excuse that I'm needy because he cant come to terms that he cant put himself in social situations & wants to place the blame elsewhere. Oh well, I tried. I dont think I was overly pushy in anyway. we conversed in a texting conversation! Never begging him to talk or hang out with me. But just trying to get some kind of idea of who he is since I never see him. But I haven't heard from him so I guess thats that. Just wanted to get an idea what everyones thoughts were on the situation.

Thanks for everyones replies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 06-02-2013 - 6:00pm

Girl, don't even sweat it! He's a punk and can't handle a strong woman. Definately not someone who is worth your time. There is someone out there for you, and once you find him you will understand why this guy acted the way he did. Then, all of this will be irrelevent and you will be happy. Everything happens for a reason, he's a wuss... Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2013
Sun, 07-14-2013 - 7:42pm

No, most guys do NOT like the chase.  I don't know a single guy who does.  The ones who do are mostly players.

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