Should I SETTLE? Should YOU settle?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Should I SETTLE? Should YOU settle?
40
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:24pm

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 6:27am

After reading the article I somewhat agree with her, but mostly I don't. I agree that you shouldn't dump a guy for shallow reasons. I disagree that passion isn't important.

I, long ago, ditched any sort of requirements about height (weight, for whatever reason, has never been an issue for me at all), upper age limits, amount of hair, percentage of white/gray hair, fashion sense, type of car, having a car at all, financial status, education, general handsomeness, etc.

The things that mattered to me were uncompromising, such as: How does he treat me? Do we have very similar values? Do we have very similar religious views? Do we "get" each others sense of humor? Is he completely ok with the fact that I have a 10 yr old and cannot have more children? Is he fairly financially responsible? Does he have a proactive and motivated personality? Does he handle difficult situations well? Do I respect him? Does he love me, and show it often? Do I feel as though I wouldn't want to live without him?

I met my BF online back in January. Our first date was really not magical in the least. I was not instantly attracted to him, and I couldn't tell if he even liked me. He had obviously lost weight since his profile pic was taken, and looked a lot older to me because of it. We were both nervous and awkward. There was no apparent chemistry at all. He texted me when I was on my way back home to say he had a good time and hoped I'd go out with him again. I responded that I would like that, but in the back of my mind I wondered if it could even go anywhere.

The next evening I got a text from him asking how I was doing. We wound up texting back and forth until late at night, and continued doing the same thing for the whole week. He invited me to a concert that was a month out, and I said yes, in part because I thought it was pretty cool that he felt confident we'd still be dating by then.

I planned on stopping for frozen yogurt at a place that happened to be next door to where he worked one day, and something told me to ask if he wanted to join me. He readily accepted and spent his lunch break there with me. It was still fairly awkward. I hugged him at the end and he said "Aww, you're sweet." We set a date for a few days later that evening by text.

We kept texting all night up to the third date. I had started to think of him as more than a friend after our conversations, and by the third date I was dying to hold his hand and kiss him. We were sitting in a park overlooking Puget Sound, drinking wine straight from the bottle because he'd forgotten to bring glasses, and talking. He kept inching closer to me on the bench. After about an hour I had enough wine to get up the nerve to touch his hand, and then hold it. Half an hour after that I really had to go to the bathroom, and needed to head back up the street to a place with an open restroom. I couldn't hold out any longer so I leaned in and kissed him. It was one of those moments that I will never forget.

I've been crazy about him ever since. Since we've been dating it's like I have realized what was missing from all of my previous relationships. I had put up with way too much unacceptable behavior before.

He always treats me right, and doesn't hold back his feelings for me. He took down his OLD profile right after the third date. Even though he is legally blind and can't drive, I don't drive either, and we live in different cities, he has gone out of his way to see me as often as he can. He's very supportive of me, and always kind. He does thoughtful little things for me all the time. I feel loved, cherished, and desired and never have and to question that. We love being together, even when we're not doing anything at all. He has never been ambiguous about his commitment to me. We still feel a lot of passion for each other, though it is in more of a comfortable and intimate way than a nervous and excited way. Honestly, in previous relationships I have never had the passion last beyond a month or two.

I know that looking at it objectively there are a lot of women who wouldn't consider dating him. He doesn't have a prestigious job. He doesn't make a lot of money. He doesn't live in a nice apartment. He'll never be able to drive. He doesn't have the greatest body. He's not very tall. His skin breaks out often and he has some chipped and crooked teeth. He's awkward and kind of insecure around new people. But I know from experience that a guy who is good looking and perfect on paper, rarely is without other flaws that you don't see right away.

Honestly none of these things are a negative to me though. To me he's the best looking guy in the world. His job and ability to drive are completely unimportant to me. I like him exactly how he is, for who he is.

So while I agree with the premise of not holding out for the "perfect" guy, I would not settle for someone with whom I have no passion. I was married to someone like that for five years, and even though he had many other faults it was the lack of passion that drove us apart. Are you crazy about this guy you are dating? Do you feel like you wouldn't want to live without him? Do the things that you don't really like about him really bother you? It's unlikely to get any better. Some people find that they are happier being married to someone who they feel little more than caring and friendship for, but I would never want to give up feelings of passion, and I don't think you need to compromise on the important stuff to find it.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 7:46am

Well, I feel I must now read this book. I am not dating anyone seriously right now, but I think about the same things you are thinking about.

I suppose my short answer is that you need to feel it in your gut, one way or the other, and it defies logic. The things you mention that bother you would bother me also. If you've read the book "Blink" the author talks about "thin slicing" meaning that you can draw conclusions about the total picture from just a few facts.

But like you, I'm tired of going on dates and I long to be with someone for the long term. But don't we have to always "accept" someone, even if he has perfect grammar and a six-pack? I don't expect a man to be perfect, but I also want to feel very joyful being with him.

I think only time will tell in your situation. Keep an open mind--for either outcome.

p.s. I think it is very unfortunate that the author used "settle" in the title. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 6:08pm
It's been my experience, & I've had lots (shh, thats a secret) that if certain things bother me in the early stages of dating, then they are REALLY going to bother me years down the road.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 9:42pm

Maybe all your walking & dancing will help him lose weight!

I guess I'm w/ floridagirl where I don't like the term "settle" because that definitely has negative connotations. First of all, someone could be great on paper, but if you don't have that physical chemistry, I don't think it's going to be a good relationship. And it doesn't have that much to do w/ looks. My 2nd DH was objectively not good looking, although he had really nice, soft blond hair and blue eyes, but we had great sexual chemistry. But my 1st impression of him when I met him was "I could never go for someone like that." His hair was longer then & he was dressed like a biker and I didn't even know then that he had tattoos, which I don't really like. I did get past the tattoos.

I think you just have to know for yourself what is really important to you. Could you look past the fact that he's overweight (which could change for the better) and the bad grammar (which probably won't because it's probably ingrained by now) and figure out that the good points outweigh the bad? And it's a very individual thing--what bothers you might not bother other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 9:43pm
I enjoyed your story.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 2:25am

I think if someone makes you happy, you shouldn't question it or over-examine it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Wed, 06-16-2010 - 10:14am

If you are compatible with someone but don't have chemistry with them, I believe that they would make a better friend than a significant other. If you have chemistry with someone but are not compatible, it's time to move on. I believe it takes both to make a great relationship. I don't believe in settling. I do believe in my list of must haves, and dealbreakers. Of course I'm picky, but some people are so picky about minor things that it limits their

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 06-17-2010 - 9:50am
As the others have basically said, there is no one who is not going to bug you in at least some ways and areas of life. Bad grammar is probably not a big deal in the scheme of things, but not being able to trust someone is. If you want to call accepting someones minor faults to be "setting" then so be it. In that regard , we all settle. It would be interesting to flip the situation around and ask those men you are dating, what things about you they have to put up with. It probably turns out to be a wash at the end of the day. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 7:36pm

Wow, your post almost made me cry. Thank you.


Yes, we have passion, and I'm not one of those who can be with a man without the passion. I know. I've done it.


And I don't know if

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 7:43pm

Hi, thanks for your thoughts Florida, as always. You brought up a couple good points:


But don't we have to always "accept" someone, even if he has perfect grammar and a six-pack?


Yes, yes! I had the Brit, that is, I got off on his pronunciation of something as mundane as Dorr-it-os, although it loses its charm here, certainly, and the guys with anything resembling a 6-pack had more issues than the Ladies Home Journal. Not to mention my ex-husband, the PhD.


I think it is very unfortunate that the author used "settle" in the title. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth.


Actually, it works. You'll have to trust me on this one, at least until you check it out for yourself.


The thing is that this whole topic is so very related to anyone who's dated online--that's why I posted in the first place.


Post back after you've read a bit, yes?

Pages