Shouldn't Man Palships be Easy Peasy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Shouldn't Man Palships be Easy Peasy?
23
Wed, 03-24-2010 - 8:09pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 2:27am

Am I being too critical and overanalyzing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 12:18pm

What I think is that it's really difficult to have a friendship w a person of the opp. sex when one of those persons has romantic feelings for the other. Between marriages, you could say I was friends w/ my boss, who is my age & single. We occasionally did things together like go out to dinner or the movies, but usually there were also other people (like his brother) coming w/ us. I did have a crush on him for a time, but never spoke to him of it, so we could act normal--there was no romantic type of relationship, not even hugging. So there was really no awkwardness.

Now I also went out w/ a guy years ago, who, after a couple of dates gave me the "let's just be friends" speech. I was very disappointed, but since I was desperate and hoped maybe he would change his mind, I agreed. The thing is that the way he acted after that really didn't change. We still went on a couple of dates, he still paid and he still wanted to make out (although we never had sex). That was really confusing--it was like, is this what friends means to you? To me, if I have a male "friend only" there is definitely no making out--maybe one good night kiss. Then he just stopped calling, no explanation. But I think your friend might be doing what I did, saying that being friends is ok, but in his mind, he's hoping to win you over to more than friends. Like I think the email of "can we do anything on Sat, but if you say no, I'll have a date w/ someone else" is the kind of thing you say to make someone jealous. Otherwise, it would be more of "can you do something, cause if not, I'd like to make some other plans" is more of what you say to your friends.

I really love this though:he said: “That’s who I am.”
This is a truly tremendous line. It can get you out of almost everything in life, excuse bad behavior as it’s never been excused before, and slide lots of debris under the carpet." Yes, I agree, people do use this to excuse being real jerks sometimes--like I know I am a jerk, but you have to put up w/ me because I can't be bothered to make any kind of effort to act better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 03-25-2010 - 4:53pm
I think it's really just up to you whether you'd rather continue having him in your life as a friend or not. He might be able to change who he is, but you can't. You need to decide whether you want to accept that he is going to be this way or whether it's something you'd rather not deal with. You don't owe him any type of friendship if you don't want to give it to him. If you do prefer having him around as a friend then just make sure you continue to remain clear that you don't want anything more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 1:59am

I have a bunch of platonic male friends, including my best friend, and I think it works well because I never dated any of them.

One of them was a FWB (who is now just a friend) and though our relationship was physically and emotionally intimate sometimes, it was not in any way romantic. It's not weird to me to hang out with him just as friends, because we've never had any thoughts of being "together" as anything more. That's kind of an exception to how things are with most people though, I think.

My other male friends, since there's never been any sort of romantic feelings or entanglement it's pretty simple and easy. Aside from with my best friend, we don't talk much about dating or relationships. Any advice given or sought on it is objective. We hang out when we want to hang out. Sometimes it's more often, sometimes less.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-26-2010 - 9:26pm

Yes, they should be easy peasy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 12:37pm

Even after his assurance he wouldn't try to kiss me again, he did. I have a problem with that.

I don't like that "icky" feeling when you're preparing to go in the house, getting out of the car, wondering if the guy's gonna make a move.

So, the last time I saw him, I drove and met him. Perfect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 2:00pm


I've been on BOTH sides of the friends deal, yup, including the "make-out friends" sort of pseudo-relationship where you're neither here nor there and the guy gets to soothe his little ole ego. Some guys just plain have a need to know someone out there WANTS what he's got. Even if he isn't willing.

"I really love this though:he said: “That’s who I am.”
This is a truly tremendous line. It can get you out of almost everything in life, excuse bad behavior as it’s never been excused before, and slide lots of debris under the carpet."

You said this: Yes, I agree, people do use this to excuse being real jerks sometimes--like I know I am a jerk, but you have to put up w/ me because I can't be bothered to make any kind of effort to act better.

I think this is a refusal to be called to task. In this guy's case, I didn't want the lovey-dovey emails and texts.

Hey, I gave him my advice; he asked for it, after all. Now I don't let his *stuff* bother me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 2:02pm

Yes, I agree and have been thinking this way. Suggested a walk,for example.

We shall see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 2:07pm

Mostly, my male friendships work when we've never dated. One in particular I've known for ten years. We're good.

Another I dated off and on. Never had anything intense, but he's pretty toxic. Messed up. I've had to pull away from that friendship. He has a g.f. and I no longer want to hear the intimate details about their sex life and how it's not working.

OK. Here's what I came up with and it's not brilliant. It's obvious.

You hang around with people who make you feel good about yourself.

Geez.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sat, 03-27-2010 - 2:07pm
Cute photo! Who dat?

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