Signs He's Not Over His Ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2011
Signs He's Not Over His Ex?
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 9:56pm

I have been dating a guy for about two months.  This guy has only been divorced for about 9 months and I TOLD him, when we first started dating, that this concerned me because I believe that it takes at least two years (give or take a little) to get your ducks back in a row after a divorce.  He assured me he's over his ex.  This guy's ex cheated on him and within the past month so she married the guy with whom she had an affair.  I didn't find this out from HIM but through a mutual friend.

The problem is, is that this guy I'm dating is still close to his ex in-laws and ex brother-in-law.  His family hangs out with his ex's family.  Since we've been dating I know that he loaned his ex brother-in-law a truck until he bought one of his own.  He meets his ex brother-in-law for drinks after work.  He has taken calls from the ex brother-in-law while we were out of town on a weekend trip.  He has contacted his ex in-laws, IN FRONT OF ME DURING A DATE, to see if they are ok due to severe weather.

Although I appreciate how caring this guy really is.....I just can't help but feel awkward and see this as a RED FLAG that he's not ready and just using me as filler.  What do I do?  Do I say something?  Do I just let it go because we don't have a big commitment?  Do I just blow it off?

Any help would be appreciated!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 05-21-2013 - 10:33pm

Even though you had your doubts, you decided he was worth dating anyway. Now you will have to decide whether or not you can handle a relationship with him, since he values the relationshp with his former in-laws, and it sounds like that may carry on for his lifetime. I really don't see that as a sign that he's not over his ex. These are all people he met because of her, but they are not her. He apparently has developed friendships with them and wants to continue those friendships. There's nothing wrong with that. If you can't handle it, for his benefit, you should probably end things with him. You can't ask him to stop this behavior, because he's not doing anything wrong. Choose a man who you don't want to change, because if you think men are clay that you can mold into anything you want him to be, you're living in a fantasy world.

It'd be a different story if he attended holiday gatherings when his ex is going to be there, unless children are involved. If you want to continue dating him, you'll have to accept that he has baggage and decide if you can change your attitude about this baggage. It means he doesn't throw perfectly good people away. If he treats you well, take things day by day and you'll see over time if he's a good long term partner. If he's not ready for another long term relationship so soon, you'll find out in time. Unfortunately, none of us have crystal balls. We takes risks and sometimes we win but sometimes we lose. Good luck in however it works out for you.