Some advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Some advice please
6
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 2:24pm

Hi there. My name is Mindy and I have recently started dating again after four years and a divorce. I've been dating a great guy for about four months. He is really sweet and thoughtful and things had been going really well (declaration of the L word on both sides and such.) However, lately everything he does has been getting on my last nerve. Just silly stuff like his really bad jokes, the way he says "but anyway" ten times in a conversation, the way he'll read every store sign on the road when we're in the car..stuff like that. It's gotten to the point where these things have caused me to reconsider my feelings for him. I feel awful about this; he is a great guy. For my birthday he threw me a surprise party with 15 of our friends. I hate being so nitpicking about these things and I'm wondering if I'm hypersensitive about this because he's the first person I've dated in four years. I don't know what to do--I want to be fair to both of us. Every time I think of this I want to cry--I feel like I'm being so unfair. Any thoughts? I could really use some advice!

Mindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 3:22pm

How about just telling him that these things bother you. He is probably not even aware of them, and pointing them out will give him reason to pause before he does it again. Like any habit, they are hard to break, but if we are not aware that we are annoying someone, why would we change it?

Communicating openly and honestly is the most important ingredient in any relationship. Also, there may some habits you have that irritate him as well. Time to get this stuff out into the open.

Good luck,

Messenger

Messenger

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 12:06am
Hey Mindy.... I think that you should talk to him.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 10:47am

Thank you Messenger and WildLucky4Me for your advice. I took it and talked to BF about it. I told him that I didn't feel that he felt that he could be himself around me and that's why he had to talk in these different voices (I left that part out of my initial message, it's not so much that he says "But anyway" but that he says it in this strange voice that sounds much like Pee Wee Herman. He'll also say things like "Whatever you VUNT to do" instead of whatever you WANT to do.) I told him that his regular voice is fine and to just be himself around me..that that's what I want him to do. He said he'd work on it but it will be tough because he talks like that to everyone (we met in a singles group and have a lot of mutual friends; I have to say that I've never heard him use those voices with anyone but me.) He also said something kind of strange--that he likes to use "a variety of voices." ???? I reiterated that his normal voice is fine.

So, he'd say he'd work on it. We'll see. However, I still feel like my feelings have changed (for no apparent reason, I might add...just these nitpicking things) and that I may be doing more harm than good by staying with him when my heart is no longer 100% in it. I always thought that if he and I broke up it would be over something a little less trivial than a few annoying bad habits.

Mindy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 7:56pm

Hi Mindy,

I think the other posters gave great advise, As far as your slight change of heart, remember that you aren't commited to this person. You're just dating him. I must admit the "voices" comment is a little scary!! LOL Just do what your heart tells you. If he say's that this is the way he is with everyone else, then maybe he is being himself and the issue is not that he can't be himself around you? I hope this helped. Good luck!!

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 2:00am
Hi there...
Just want to throw a question or two out to you. If the little things already get to you, then how would you react when big, serious things arise?
If you're not that into him, then do you think it's fair for you to keep him hanging on? Would it be fair for you and him to settle? If he is a good guy yet he is not for you, then perhaps it would be better to let him meet someone else who will like him for everything he is. Even if he has those voices ;-)
I know I would not want someone to settle for me. I respect myself too much and deserve better.
I do wish you the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 1:05am

You make a very valid point and one that, believe me, I have been giving quite a bit of thought to in the past few weeks. One thing that I want to emphasize is that I DO care about this guy quite a bit--that may not have come out in my messages, but I do care about him a lot. Also, when I told him that I loved him, I did mean it. I do not take those kinds of declarations lightly, especially now in light of my divorce. What is really strange is that one day it was like a switch turned on and everything that he did started bothering me. Nothing really precipitated this change of heart. He hasn't acted any differently than he was before. I'm just wondering if maybe the "L" word came into the conversation too quickly (it's barely been four months)and what I'm feeling is really nothing more than extreme caution because this is my first relationship post-divorce.

Frankly, my feelings for him go back and forth--yes, things still bother me, silly things, but other times I feel incredibly close to him. My thoughts on what to do about us also fluctuate greatly and I'm of the opinion that I shouldn't do anything too rash until I'm 100% sure, and I'm just not. One minute I think breaking up is a good idea; the next I want to see where this goes. I definitely do want to be fair to him and I don't want to string him along, but I want to be fair to myself too--when I have broken up with others in the past it was a solid, concrete decision that I did not regret later. Right now I feel if I broke up with BF I would regret it later.

One thing too that I've been keeping in mind is that we had a fight last month. He was really worried about us and whether my feelings had changed as a result of the fight. I had a perfect opportunity to end things right then. But I didn't. Something compelled me to stay with him--which is making me wonder, maybe I care more than I'm letting on.