This is sophomoric, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2005
This is sophomoric, but...
5
Mon, 01-26-2009 - 10:42pm

I'm sure this is really immature post, but I have a question anyway.

About four months ago, I was maid of honor at my BFF's wedding. As the cliche goes, I, of course, met someone at the wedding. I was looking pretty dolled up (read:hot) and one of her single male friends, who I'd actually met several times before, mostly in passing and at awkward times, scored my digits.

He, at the time, had just moved to New York, and I was, literally, moving to New York the very next day. Kind of far from where I'm from. But, anyway.

He wasted no time in calling me. I arrived Sunday, he phoned Tuesday. We went out on first "whatever" Sunday.

Side note: I had sort of been involved with someone, briefly and casually, right before I'd met him. I know this is somewhat irrelevant. I wasn't exclusive with this person, but I was really kind of into him A LOT, and even though I'd left the area, I still wanted this other person (this is *sort of* my defense).

So, the NY guy continued to call me and talk to me several times after the first time we'd hung out. He'd attempted at seeing me twice following this, and it didn't work out either time, and I'd also failed to return a few of his calls.

Most would say "She's just not that into you", but I was... I really did like him, but, I was otherwise occupied emotionally, still with this other person I hadn't entirely let go of.

I'm an all-or-nothing kind of girl. I'm bad at juggling men, and starting something new if something old hasn't completely been let go of (again, :-( this is in my defense).

Anyway, so he did call me once around Christmas just to say hi, how are you, and whatnot, and I did take his call, and I told him next time I was around manhattan, I'd phone him. And I did, just a couple weeks later. But he was unable to see me. I never called back.

SO, anyway, we have mutual friends who we both, simultaneously hung out with this past weekend. A preface: I've thought often about calling him or wishing it'd worked out before, in the last few months, but never taken any action. When seeing him, getting to know him a bit more, I really wish I could make an effort now to be friends with him! I know it's strange now, and I wonder if too much time has past. Almost five months. He is single, I know that, and so am I (and now emotionally available too). But, how do I approach the subject? Just call him? How would he feel? Any ideas/suggestions/advice?

"There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before."
Willa Cather
O Pioneers
"There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before." Willa Cather O Pioneers
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 9:43am
Welcome to the board =)! So back to your issue: I know most of us women are so fickle minded and just like most men, we too love the thrill of the chase.. So here's my opinion regarding your dilemma: why not give it a try, I mean there's no harm if you'd say "hi, how you've been doing lately?" kind-of-convo starter! If he responds then cool! if not, cut your loses then move on. After all, you're the one who took control of your own feelings. Its better not to give false hopes when you're not ready for a new relationship. But it would be regretful if you will just sit there and do nothing and just let a great person go just like that. If he wondered why you've been evasive, simply tell him you weren't emotionally ready and that you had lots of things going on in your life at that time..
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-27-2009 - 1:32pm
You could use the excuse that you were really busy w/ moving and starting a new job (I assume) and whatever else, so you feel bad that you didn't get to meet up w/ him before, but now you are more settled, you would like to get together for drink/lunch/whatever. It's worth a shot. But I wouldn't bring up that you were still emotionally involved w/ the other guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2005
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 10:14pm

Well, I called the guy with butterflies in my stomach. Whew! Haven't felt that in a looonnng time. Looks like I might be seeing him this weekend. Thanks for your input. Will let you know how it goes.

"There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before."
Willa Cather
O Pioneers
"There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before." Willa Cather O Pioneers
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2005
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 9:52pm

WOW one should really read the book "He's just not that into you" --and take heed!! If he doesn't ask YOU out, there's a reason! worst date ever!!!! the man could not possibly have cared less about me, or been less interested in me!

never again!

"There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before." Willa Cather O Pioneers
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 9:42pm
I have two editions of that book you mentioned "He's Just Not That INto YOu" by greg bherendth. I've read lots of date books and got tons of ideas out of it that helped me to get through with dating game world. But those informations only serve as an aid or guide. It may change your disposition but its still up to you how to handle things appropriately.
COngratulations for having the gut in trying to ask that guy out. It may have turned out differently from what you've been expecting but try to realize that its part of the game. And don't take it personally so breathe. Next step is cut your loses then move on. DOn't wallow over disappointment just because your date did not turned out well. But still, no more "what ifs?" kind-of-question that gonna keep bugging you. "He's Just Not That Into You" book says only one important idea: If you're a woman, never do the chasing and realize your worth. Men love the thrill of the chase. COuld it be when he chased you, he was really into you. But as we all know, each person change preferences over time. Asking him to hang out is not a bad idea. It only turns into a bad one if you keep asking the guy when he clearly said NO. Or chasing him and you overcompensate just because you're too needy for a boyfriend. That's a fact that most women ignore whenever they obsess liking a guy who's apparently not that into her. The more you act coyly and distant, the more he chases you--while the more you chase him and overcompensate to his needs, the more he'll freak out and run away from you.
But in your case, perhaps his preference has changed (not that he doesn't like you at all), its just that men have this thing so called--PRIDE too.. ;)