take his word? and what, wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2013
take his word? and what, wait?
5
Sun, 10-20-2013 - 1:55pm

Hi! I used to be pretty active on iVillage a few years back, but haven't been around in forever. So, here I am.

Here's the situation-

I'm 27. Divorced last year after 6 years of being married to my only serious relationship. Moved back to where I'm from. I have a career, a part-time job on the side, show my horses all the time and am finishing my Master's degree. I haven't really dated since my divorce because I've been simply living my life, moving on, etc. Well, long story short, I met a guy. He's a year older than me. We went out last Monday for dinner- had a great time. Conversation was awesome, etc. He kissed me when he walked me to my car, and throughout the night, mentioned mutliple times getting together again. Throughout the week, we talked. Not as much as I WANTED, but maybe that's part of my problem. He is a cop, and works long hours, which are complete opposite of my hours right now. On Wednesday, he asked me for another date on Friday, which I agreed to. Had another awesome time. I definitely enjoyed it, and he said he did too. He wasn't sure if he was going to have to fill in for a co-worker on Saturday night, but he asked me if I was busy on Saturday, and I said during the day, yes, but was free at night. He asked if I'd like to get together again if he didn't have to fill in, and I said yes. Little-to-nothing on Saturday during the day- I was thinking- why isn't he asking me to make plans for tonight, or at least telling me if he has to work or not? So, before I made other plans, I texted him to see if he was working, or if I would get to see him again. He said he didn't have to work, but was broke. I said we didn't have to go out if he just wanted to watch a movie, which he had mentioned the night before. Normally I'd pay, but of course, I misplaced my debit card and have limited cash until Monday- which he knows. He then said he was really tired, and was going to go to bed early so he could start to adjust to being back on regular hours (early mornings.) I was disappointed, because we were in the early stages of making plans to watch a movie together when he said, "Hey, on second thought..." I was taken back. I told him that if he just doesn't want to see me anymore, then that's fine ,but I would like to know. He said that was not the case, that he would have told me, and that he definitely wants to see me again. I believed him, and said goodnight and went to bed. This morning, I texted him that I finally found my debit card and that next time we go out, it's on me. He read the msg but hasn't gotten back to me. Do I believe him that he wants to see me again, or think he's really blowing me off?!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Sun, 10-20-2013 - 6:30pm

Run like the wind!!!  AWAY from this guy.  If you are in your right mind, no amount of conversation, companionship, or sex is worth supporting somebody.  He has a job.  If he runs out of spending money BEFORE the next paycheck, he has a problem.  It does not matter WHAT the problem is, you don't want to be involved. 

BTW:  I would go dutch on a date, but I would NEVER pay for the guy.  Which is one reason why, should my husband be hit by a bus, I would NEVER remarry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-21-2013 - 11:36am

I think it's way too soon to tell if he is blowing you off--it's only been 2 days.  Just wait & see & you will know soon enough.

I totally have to disagree w/ Sabrtooth (who has been married a long time, from what I know, so isn't exactly dating) about paying.  I don't think after 2 dates you could gauge why this guy is short on funds--whether it's a common problem or whether he had some unexpected expenses, etc.  I also think that it's very common for women to take turns paying for dates.  I can't imagine that this is the 1950's where throughout the courtship the man always pays--that went out with the days when women didn't have jobs.  I think that men should pay in the beginning but eventually women should take turns paying.  Men don't like to be taken advantage of either.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 10-21-2013 - 3:02pm

I think that it is better he is honest that he is broke than put on some show.  I don't think he is necessarily blowing you off.  You are both still relatively young, so I don't know that this is necessarily a negative, as of yet. 

Not sure why you offered to "pay next time" though.  Maybe trying too hard to prove you are independent? 

Men have a different kind of ego than women, so not having money to pay for things is tough for a lot ( but not all) men. 

I used to see a guy that had very little money, so instead of a show or blowing me off, he was simply honest.  We pretty  much either split things or took turns.  We are old enough that impressing each other didn't really  matter.  :)

Gotta' go.  Keep us posted!

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 10-21-2013 - 3:25pm

I was BORN in the 50's Liz, I wasn't DATING then.  I'm old, but not THAT old!  And yes, you are correct that I have not dated in a long time, but I lived thru my daughters' datings, and they are 29 & 32.  It wasn't that long ago.

In the original post, she said, "...Normally I'd pay, but of course, I misplaced my debit card and have limited cash until Monday- which he knows...."  So, she NORMALLY PAYS. So he knew she didn't have money for the weekend.  He stated he was broke, and made other excuses why he couldn't see her.  This tells me , he didn't want to see her because she had NO MONEY.  

I have worked my entire life, made good money, and did/do not expect ANYONE to pay my way.  I am perfectly capapble of doing that, thank you very much.  When I go out with my friends, we split equally.  If I cannot afford my share, I stay home. When I look for a friend, I look for someone who is good company, & whose opinions I can appreciate even if I don't completely agree.  I don't care it they can't pay their mortgage,  work at McDonald's, have 6 kids and 3 ex-spouses, or are an alcoholic, as long as they do not allow their personal issues to intrude on our relationship.

Dating, however, (especially at age 27-28)  is the process of attracting a mate. If a man is trying to attract me, I think he would try to impress me FIRST with his ability to be a good provider.  If a man wants ME to be the provider, then he better be trying to impress me with some other qualities that  I would value, like being a jonny-on-the-spot companion, not playing head games or making me read minds.. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-21-2013 - 4:28pm

Oh I didn't read her post like you did, I guess so maybe she will clarify.  I read it as he said he couldn't go out since he was broke, so she would have offered to pay then but she lost the debit card.  She offered a no cost alternative which he didn't buy.  Maybe the being broke was an excuse & he didn't want to see her for other reasons.  I mean he's a police officer--usually that is a pretty good paying job unless you are in some very small town, so I wouldn't think he'd need a woman to provide for him.  And I didn't mean to imply that you are 100 yrs old or anything. :)