Too confident?? Intimidating...maybe

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
Too confident?? Intimidating...maybe
15
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 1:01pm

Hey everyone,


I've been single for about 4 months after a 4 year relationship. I've jumped into the dating scene with both feet and am having some interesting and great results.


I'm 23 years old and have a modest share of dating experiences.


I'm just curious about some of the comments I've been getting from this one guy I've been seeing. We're more or less friends now as he can't seem to get over the part where he thinks I'm way out of his league. He's said repeatedly that I'm intimidating, or things like that.


So, I'm wondering what people's thoughts are on this. Has anyone been told this before, and if so, how do you react, what do you do, and for god's sake, is it a turn off for you as well?? Heh.


This guy does suffer from a huge lack of confidence and self-esteem. Being friends with him now, enables me to help him with some of his "problems".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Fri, 06-20-2008 - 9:47pm

It's a tough question. The problem, as I see it, is that there is a fine line between being assertive and being an ass. The problem is exacerbated because we can't always look at ourselves objectively. Also, how many friends do you have that would tell you that you crossed that line?

If you have a strong personality then that's just the way it is. You're probably going to want a man who has a strong personality as well.

As far as the man that you intimidate, it's OK to be friends, but are you looking for dates or to be this guy's therapist. If you're not compatible then that's just the way it is. Move on. Eventually he'll find someone that clicks with him. We can't please everyone.

PS You're 23 and I'm 60 so we might have different perspectives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Sun, 06-22-2008 - 1:19pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 12:29pm

Did you SERIOUSLY read everything in the message?


Low self-esteem is one of the lesser of many evils. In other words, I'd date a guy with low self-esteem, as opposed to a guy who does drugs on a regular basis, a thug, a loser with no life, motivation, or dreams, an idiot, a jerk, a bastard, a guy with a closed mind, a cheater, a sex-addict, a player, an immature "man", a liar, a superficial/plastic guy, a guy too proud of himself, etc. All whom I'm aquainted with, but try to avoid like the plague.


My dating pattern, from my past, has nothing to do with my question...which was, "Have you ever had someone tell you you're too intimidating?"


In any case, tks for the reply...




Edited 6/23/2008 12:31 pm ET by cupofcha
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 1:08pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 1:55pm

" This guy does suffer from a huge lack of confidence and self-esteem. Being friends with him now, enables me to help him with some of his "problems".

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 2:11pm

Tks, njmx3, for your helpful and thoughtful reply.


I do have to watch myself. Don't want to be more of an ass than I think I sometimes am. Cocky is the correct adj here. The people I respect the most are the ones who can tell me openly and honestly, yet unemotionally, that I've crossed that fine line.


A man with a strong personality is the type that I go for. Well, that type would be more able to handle all of me, heh.


Being the "therapist" to that guy was the part of me he naturally drew out. Incompatibility, lack of chemistry, and different values aside, I am glad to have met him as we now have

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 12:20pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 5:26pm

Cha,

Back to your question.

YES. I have been told this by several men. So I finally sat down and started asking men what about me exactly was intimidating. See, just like you, I've lived with myself my entire life. So I'm not intimidated by me. I think I'm a pretty great woman. I know I have a strong personality, but why does that make me intimidating? Maybe to the extremely introverted (although my ex husband was a total introvert) or those whose egos demands that they be top dog all the time, and feel I might be competition.

What I heard really surprised me.
The first man who told me I was intimidating - a man that I had met at a party, we went out on a date, sat talking until 3 in the morning, he never made a move, actually spent the night in my guest room, and now we've become really good friends. But never made a move. I asked him why. He told me, "Well, I was intimidated." I asked him what about. He said, "Because you've totally got your act together. And worth better than me." He told me that he desperately wanted to kiss me on several occasions, but then our friendship grew and he felt that because he was a semi-screw up and I am so together, that he would disappoint me and then I wouldn't like him anymore and that he'd lose my friendship. Friendship is so much easier.
I went on a date with another man - a high school math teacher. Who really pines away for me. But I'm not that interested. But I mentioned to him at one point that I seem to intimidate men, and I wasn't sure why. He told me, "Oh. I can see how you might do that. When you told me about your amazing life, and took me to your incredible house, and I saw all the things you've accomplished in your life, it was a little intimidating." He said that I come off as not needing any man to take care of me (because I don't) and that can be a little demasculating to some men.
I had the opportunity to see my high school boyfriend that I hadn't seen for 25 years over the weekend. It was a little strange how we picked back up right where we left off when we were separated because I moved to another town. He asked me if he could kiss me. I told him I'd think about it (eventually I let him, and I'm so glad I did). But later I told him, "The reason that I told you I'd think about it when you asked to kiss me is that although I'm an outgoing, aggressive woman with a strong sense of sexuality, when it comes to sex, I need the man to take charge. You can't ask me if you can kiss me. You have to just go for it."
And he said, "Well normally I would. But you carry yourself with such dignity, that I was intimidated. I was afraid of disrespecting you. I was afraid you'd shut me down. You command respect, and I wanted to be respectful of you."
So while your situation obviously isn't exactly the same as mine, when I finally got the courage to start inquiring what it was about me that was intimidating, the feedback I received was that I came off being so self-assured, so together and confident, able to take care of myself and didn't 'need' a man, that men became afraid that if they make a move on me, I'll reject them because they're not good enough for me.
WOW.
As a result, because no men were making moves on me, I was feeling like I wasn't good enough for them, like I was the one being rejected!
So my advice to you is to talk with him, your platonic friend, and ask him about the intimidation factor a bit more. Perhaps he'll be able to open up to you, as your friend, and tell you more. It might open your eyes up a bit more to the way people see you, and it might enable you to open up to him to help him understand who you really are, deep down. And it might open up the path for a spark to be created...or it might just open up you a little bit more to help you the next time you meet someone who stirs something in you so that you can navigate the territory a bit easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 5:55am

I've had a deep, emotional connection with two men, both of whom I was in love with, loved, and connected with in

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 1:19pm

Z

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