Trying to Figure Things Out

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Trying to Figure Things Out
5
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 12:03am

I've been dating this guy for a few weeks now and just trying to figure out whether I'm asking the right questions to figure out whether he is looking for a relationship? Last Saturday he text me in the morning asking if I wanted to hang out and we made plans to meet up in the afternoon. I text him in the afternoon asking what the plan was and he texts me back saying that he was still on a long bike ride and if he got back late we could meet up the next day. I never responded to his text because I was pretty annoyed that our plans fell through. The next day he text me asking if I was available in the afternoon to meet up and then called me when I didn't respond. We spoke for a few minutes and I told him that I was not available to meet up because I already had plans and then asked him if he bailed on plans the day before because he was blowing me off? He said that he didn't expect his bike ride to go long and so just assumed we could meet the next day and then apologized for seeming like he was blowing me off. We met up a few days later for a drink. I told him that I felt like I was the one that was always making plans and was trying to figure out whether we didn't enjoy making plans. He was receptive to the feedback and said that he needed to be better about making plans. He sent me a text message with the link to some you tube video. It was the video to some portugese song. I text him whether this was spam and he said that it was a song that made him think of me. I had to look up the song/lyrics because I had never heard of it before. He acutally emailed me yesterday asking if I would be interested in going to a 20s themed event during the week. I said I was up for it so we are hanging out again tomorrow. 

I guess I'm wondering whether I'm being too anxious on trying to figure things out rather than enjoying the company and trying to get to know him. The last few relationships I had were with guys I was friends with and then it progressed to something more. I think I'm trying to figure out whether he and I can be friends or are friends? Maybe this is something that takes time to happen and I can't assume it will happen overnight. Any advice? Is it a good sign that its pretty easy to communicate with him and he is receptive to things that bother/annoy me rather than defensive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2001
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 12:51am

I think you're being a little anxious.  It's still early in the game, so relax, let things progress naturally, and enjoy the journey!

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 7:11am

Goodness, it's only been a few weeks? R-E-L-A-X.

Some people really aren't that good at making plans. Some people have ADD and really do forget the time. I'm not saying that's an excuse, but just because they forget the time one time doesn't mean they are blowing you off. You haven't dated him enough to know if he is an "on time" kind of guy or not. He did say that if he didn't get back that you could meet up the next day. Your non-response could be taken as a passive-aggressive act.

With all due respects, it's like you're scolding him. He sounds pretty interested in you if you ask me. Be receptive and encouraging when you do hear from him, and when you don't---go live your life. You'll both know soon enough whether this is a match or not. There's no need to discuss where things are going right now. This is a "getting to know you" stage. Try to resist the urge to compare him with guys in your past---it's a whole new day.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 8:23am

nyc_alias wrote:
<p>I've been dating this guy for a few weeks now and just trying to figure out whether I'm asking the right questions to figure out whether he is looking for a relationship? Last Saturday he text me in the morning asking if I wanted to hang out and we made plans to meet up in the afternoon. I text him in the afternoon asking what the plan was and he texts me back saying that he was still on a long bike ride and if he got back late we could meet up the next day. I never responded to his text because I was pretty annoyed that our plans fell through. The next day he text me asking if I was available in the afternoon to meet up and then called me when I didn't respond. We spoke for a few minutes and I told him that I was not available to meet up because I already had plans and then asked him if he bailed on plans the day before because he was blowing me off? He said that he didn't expect his bike ride to go long and so just assumed we could meet the next day and then apologized for seeming like he was blowing me off. We met up a few days later for a drink. I told him that I felt like I was the one that was always making plans and was trying to figure out whether we didn't enjoy making plans. He was receptive to the feedback and said that he needed to be better about making plans. He sent me a text message with the link to some you tube video. It was the video to some portugese song. I text him whether this was spam and he said that it was a song that made him think of me. I had to look up the song/lyrics because I had never heard of it before. He acutally emailed me yesterday asking if I would be interested in going to a 20s themed event during the week. I said I was up for it so we are hanging out again tomorrow. </p><p>I guess I'm wondering whether I'm being too anxious on trying to figure things out rather than enjoying the company and trying to get to know him. The last few relationships I had were with guys I was friends with and then it progressed to something more. I think I'm trying to figure out whether he and I can be friends or are friends? Maybe this is something that takes time to happen and I can't assume it will happen overnight. Any advice? Is it a good sign that its pretty easy to communicate with him and he is receptive to things that bother/annoy me rather than defensive?</p>

He's not defensive... ...yet.  At the rate you're going, he'll get there sooner than later.

You need to get out of this habit of busting his chops all the time. else he's going to rethink the wisdom in dating you.  You're just dating--you're not in any relationship and at the rate you're going, you're not going to be in one with him.  You are treating with him as if you two have been in a long term relationshp and you've only known him a few weeks. 

What you and other guys you've dated in the past have done has nothing to do with this guy.

I agree with the other poster when they said that you not responding sounds passive/aggressive, or at the very least, punishing.

Why not try acting like a friend instead of an overdemanding girlfriend?  No one likes being scolded by "mother".

Yes, you need to turn it down to a simmer, not a roiling boil.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 11:59am

Ugh!  Honestly--does a guy that you basically just met want to be questioned about what he is looking for in a relationship?  I think that would send him running.  I definitely would be annoyed if someone said we would hang out today and then didn't get back in time, but I'd give the person a pass, once--I probably would say something about being disappointed that you had not made other plans because he asked you to meet up.  I think that when he called you on Sunday to ask if you were available, it's good that you said that you couldn't meet up cause you had plans, but I wouldn't have asked if he was blowing you off--I'd probably think that he hadn't planned his time well.  How can you say that you feel like you are "always" making plans if you've only known him a short time?  I think the way to counteract that is for you to just not ask him out--go on with your life and wait to see if he calls you or contacts you to make plans--then you will know that he's interested.

I do think that women worry too much about "where is this going?" and don't enjoy the getting to know you part.  I just met a guy also and I am going to try something very new for me--I'm probably a lot older than you and have been married twice and haven't been in a relationship for a while, but I figure what is the rush?  If I meet someone, we have the rest of our lives, there is no time table that we have to get together by a certain time.  Before if I met someone & liked the guy, I'd be hoping that he would call me so I'd be sitting by the phone and I wouldn't even try to make plans with the girls *just in case* the guy wanted a date for the weekend--you know, being so afraid that if I was busy, he'd find someone else.  Then he wouldn't call and I'd end up not having anything to do and be sitting home.  Well now, I've been single for a while, so I have made an effort to find things to do by myself.  I usually have things that I know I am doing for 2-3 weeks ahead of time.  So I met this guy in Feb.  He said something about calling me but I didn't take it seriously.  Since we're in the same meetup group, I just figured I'd run into him.  He asked me out for a dance in March 3 wks ahead of time.  We went out & had a good time, then it was kind of disappointing not to hear from him right away, but the next week was Easter.  He had said that he might come to this event that was last weekend but when I didn't hear from him, I figured that was it--one date & over, but surprisingly he did come, and we seemed to be having an even better time--supposedly he is also going to this event that I am going to on Sat. but even if he doesn't go, I will still go.  I have no idea what is going to happen--I mean technically we've only had two "dates" if you can call it that.  It seems to be moving very slow, but something is happening.  At this point, I am not going to put any pressure on him and I'd never ask if he wants a relationship or what--I did get some infro from someone else that he might have broken up w/ someone recently, so I don't want to rush and be the rebound girl anyway.  I am just going to enjoy getting to know him.  I think if nothing else, we will end up being friends.  I think if you go too intensely, that's when things just seem to flame up, then crash & burn.  I have no guarantees that this will work out but I also think it's better for my heart trying to keep a little detachment until I know the guy is more serious about me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 9:14pm

Thank you everyone. I totally agree, this is not like me at all to be so anxious and I think by writing this out and having all of you comment I realized that I am not enjoying the process of getting to know someone and instead stressing about defining what this is. Some of it might be because I'm 37, some of it might be because a good friend of mine recently met a guy and after four dates they had a conversation about them being exclusive. I need to realize that not every situation is the same. Thanks so much for the feedback!