Uncertain

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Uncertain
8
Wed, 05-14-2008 - 3:00pm

This is not exactly a dating question -- or maybe it is.

I've been divorced for about 3 years. I don't date much. I guess it's a combination of my being over 50, not thin, and over-educated. I find that most of the guys who are interested in me are not really attractive to me.

One exception was a guy who I've known for years from work. We are in different departments and months will pass without our seeing each other, but we've been friends since we met on a project both of us were assigned to. Through most of our friendship he was living with someone and I was married. I never thought that my marriage would end, and I never thought of him as other than a nice male friend. We'd have lunch occasionally, sometimes with other friends, but mostly we chatted when we ran into each other or had to work together on a project.

Then about six months after my divorce he found out from a mutual friend and called to ask me for a date. He had broken up with his girlfriend a year or so earlier, so I was thrilled. Our first date went well, but on the second date we were both cranky. It began with my being late (I was driving and got lost) and ended with his falling asleep during the movie we went to see. Both of us were annoyed but polite. And that, I thought, was that. I was sad because we'd been friends, but I really didn't want to date someone who fell asleep at the movies.

For about a year or more we barely waved at each other when we passed in the halls, and we didn't sit down and talk like we used to. We also ran into each other a little less than before, which may have been coincidence or maybe he was avoiding the places where I'd be most likely to be. Then last Christmas I ran into him at a local bookstore. He looked happy to see me and we chatted for a while and so forth. It was very relaxed, almost like before. I was glad that we were friendly again. Even if we don't want to date, I thought it would be great to have him as a friend. We crossed paths a few times since then but always with other people around and it has seemed that the stress between us is fading.

So yesterday we ran into each other in the parking lot and he acted as though the stressful date some two years ago had never happened. He hugged me like he used to when we were friends. We talked and talked until I had to dash inside so as not to be late to meet someone.

My uncertainty is about whether it would be better to pursue this -- I can always find an excuse to call him and casually suggest lunch-- or whether because of the dating fiasco I would scare him away if I called him.

I wouldn't mind trying to date him again, but I would settle for being friends as we were before. He is fun to talk to, we share a lot of interests, and except when he fell asleep at the movies, I've always found him good company.

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
In reply to: eensty
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 4:31pm

I think if I were in your shoes I would concentrate on the friendship for awhile longer and then see where things look like they might be heading. The root of all good relationships is based in solid friendship so you aren't really losing anything or wasting time by taking it slow. I would suggest a casual lunch or some activity that you both enjoy.

Keep us posted on how things are going. ;0)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
In reply to: eensty
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 2:04am

 Z

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
In reply to: eensty
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 10:03am

Yeah, I meant just to pursue it as a friendship sort of thing. That's why I'm not sure if it's a "dating" question.

My fear is that if I suggest lunch or something he will feel uncomfortable because of our bad date experience. It's no longer two friends who get together once in a while but two people who dated.

Maybe I should wait until he suggests it. On the other hand, he may be waiting for me to give him a sign that I want to be friends again.

I repeat, my main interest at the moment is to recover him as a friend. Sure, down the road it might be nice to try dating him again, but right now, if he asked me out, I'd be worried it wouldn't work out. I'd want to be friends first for a while-- Not put the pressure on each other of seeing if we are "compatible" for a relationship.

So-- is it safe to suggest getting together as friends, or should I just wait for him to do it (if he does?). How can I make it clear (if I do suggest getting together) that I am not asking for a "date"?

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
In reply to: eensty
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 10:08am

Good question.

The answer depends on how he takes it.

If I pursue it and he responds with pleasure that we can be friends again, then I gain a friend.

If I pursue it and he responds with discomfort, then I lose the possibility of a friend. Maybe if I leave it alone, he will make the next move.

If I don't do anything, then maybe I gain that he will make a move to be friends again when he feels easier about it. On the other hand, maybe I will get nothing because he won't make a move either because he doesn't think of it or because he feels hesitant.

Dating is such a complicated thing! If this same thing had happened with a female friend, we'd have gone back to having lunch together and maybe other things, but would have made jokes about my lack of punctuality and my friend's inability to stay awake for a movie. I don't know why it being a date makes it different, but it does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2008
In reply to: eensty
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 5:12pm

The past is the past.

It's okay to jump...you have wings! 

To move forward...you have to stop looking back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
In reply to: eensty
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 10:52am

I'm eager to be friends again. I just don't want to frighten him away if he thinks I want to date.

Sometimes I think I should just talk to him about it, say something like, "You know, I think we were neither one of us at our best that day, and I'd like us to go back to having lunch and so on like we used to." But maybe that would frighten him even more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2008
In reply to: eensty
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 3:32pm
Um...how about just asking him to lunch...say no strings attached, I just miss hanging out with you.

It's okay to jump...you have wings! 

To move forward...you have to stop looking back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
In reply to: eensty
Thu, 06-05-2008 - 5:21pm

Ask him!! He was friendly and open when you saw him.


Bring up that old awkward night when you do. Don't just let it fester! You might say something to the effect of, 'well it finally seems the awkwardness over our cranky evening has worn off. I'm glad! I've felt so strange not having you as my friend.'


Good luck!