When to Date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
When to Date?
6
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 3:12pm

Newbie, here :)

Ok, I know I am posting this question prematurely (for myself), and maybe there are even old threads someone knows of that they could refer me to....BUT....

How does one know after separation/divorce when they are ready to go back and try dating? I know this must vary for everyone, and I know you could argue the fact that "you just know", but what are some milestones that those of you who have been in this position have thought necessary to reach prior to dating?

I think those of you that made "wrong" choices for yourself, as well as "right" both really have a lot to offer to this.

How many of you started dating while separated? Was it because the divorce processs was long, or you met someone?

Thanks!, I am new and this is only my second post...looking forward someday to utilizing this information, for now, using it to help healing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: alone_jenny
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 12:28am

Hi Jenny... Welcome!


I think that if you think you might be ready... go on a date!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: alone_jenny
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 2:22pm

Hi Jenny,

I'm not sure that I can answer your question, but I can share my experience with you! My divorce is not final yet, however I have been seperated for nearly two years now. During that time I hadn't been able to date because I felt I wans't ready. I tried going out dancing, but as soon as a guy got a little too close (IMO) I felt uncomfterable, and that's how I knew I wan't ready to date. I also thought that it would be best not to date until I was over my STBX and the pain that was left behind. I didn't think it would be fair to have a "rebound" relationship or to blame every other guy I met because of the mistakes that my STBX made. I don't regret taking time for myself because I have learned so much about myself. For one my STBX was my first everything. I was 18 when we married (yeah I know I was too young) I was always the type that didn't like to be alone. Now I'm more self confident and able to enjoy life, even if it's alone! For example I'm going to Japan next month (for a business trip) I would never have had the courage to go alone, but now I'm super excited!! As time has passed by I feel like I'm almost ready to start dating. Everyone is different but I would reccomend that you take time for yourself and when you are ready to start dating, take it slow. Have no expectations and try to enjoy it as much as possible. As I mentioned before I haven't started dating yet (I'm not sure where to start LOL) but I can't wait to feel the butterflies again!! Good luck!! And I hope this helped.

Angie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: alone_jenny
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 12:41am

Hi Angie,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience and feelings. Your post was very helpful, and also helped me pinpoint some of the exact feelings/thoughts I am having now.
Validation can be a powerful thing -- especially when you haven't had it in a relationship!

I appreciate the time you took to share all that with me.
How much longer do you expect your divorce to take?
2 years is a long time to be separated!

Thanks so much & Best of Luck to you,
Jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
In reply to: alone_jenny
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:04am

I think that the best time to date, not only after a divorce/separation but always is WHEN YOU WANT TO BE WITH A MAN BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE IT, NOT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO (EMOTIONALLY, ECONOMICALLY, PSYCOLOGICALLY OR ANY OTHER ...ALLY EXCEPT SEXUALLY =D)

If you are in a position where you can support yourself, you are happy and fulfill, then maybe is a good time to find someone to share your energy, but if your find yourself in a position where you are struggling and you feel that only with a man's help you will be able to make it, then don't do it. Relationships under that kind of pressure don't work. When you need somebody, you give him/her the power to control areas of your life, (if you need him as a second income, he'll control your finances... if you need him emotionally, he'll control your emotions... ) but when you want somebody, you are in control of everything and you decide when, where, how, why and specially, who.

Love yourself first, find yourself, be happy with who you are, what you have, make your own decisions, take control of your life... once you accomplish all of this, then find yourself a good man to share your wonderfulness.

Good luck,

Angie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: alone_jenny
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:16am

Thank you...all those things are a given for me. I would never date under those circumstances at ANY time <<>>

I definitely don't and never have 'needed' a man, I was 41 when I got married for the first time!

I think I need to "want" to date, and based on previous responses, be totally over any anger, depression, mixed feelings, etc. before even considering it.

Thanks so much for your response :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: alone_jenny
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:41am

Hi Jenny,

"How much longer do you expect your divorce to take?
2 years is a long time to be separated!"

I actually just started the divorce process. I live in CA so the whole process should take 6 months! I'm in no hurry though.
I agree that two years is a long time to be seperated but I was going through such a hard time that I couldn't even think about starting the divorce process! So now the papers have been served and the waiting game begins. I must admit I porcrastinated quite a bit on it myself also because deep down I wanted it to work out, but there was only so much that I could have done to save my marriage.

I'm glad that my post helped you. Keep us posted and Good luck to you too!!

Angie