Where do single men in their 50s go?

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Registered: 10-16-2006
Where do single men in their 50s go?
52
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 8:09am
I know you can meet men anywhere, any time of day, any day of the week, but specifically, I'd like to hear from some single men in their late 40s and 50s...where do you go on a Friday or Saturday night if you don't have a date? Do you tend to stay home and watch TV? Do you ever go with a male friend(s)?
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:37am

Ahhh.... when I read "too nice" I immediately thought of a book I've read recently, Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov.


I think, now, after reading the book, that being "too nice" means that you're so agreeable in the relationship, and it's not "challenging".... there's no give and take balance.... and when you don't have that sense of give and take, it feels more like you're with someone who is always giving so much that they always do whatever the other person wants to do.... and, like I say... I don't want to always make the decisions.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 06-02-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 9:00am

I think you are right. I was too agreeable. She had told me that she wanted someone in her life that would be interested in the things she wanted to do... and I was willing to show her that I could do that for her. Everything else between us 'felt good.'

She broke up with me in September, and has called me a time or two asking if I wanted to go to dinner or a movie. I have definitely been cool towards her, and she seems to be taking this as a challenge (i.e., she seems more interested).

But, it seems to me, if I let this proceed this way, that I am playing some kind of game with her... no??

Jim

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 9:11am

Well.... fun challenges are good to keep the sparks lit.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 09-17-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:06pm

Karen,

I read that book a couple weeks ago too...and can see a lot of validity in what she wrote, and have decided to follow her advice. I was taking Joe's too nice as meaning 'too sweet', so ya I guess too nice does exist...I think that if you're too agreeable, or available it really does lower a lot of the initial spark and attraction. I think that a lot of women use the "too nice" as a cop out though, so that they can feel like they have the opportunity to go back to that ex and be like "You were so nice, and I really am at a place in life where I'm looking for someone like you, i was such a fool to let you go"....I've seen that one happen a LOT.

One thing I wondered about was, you know how she said at all costs do NOT bring up the commitment topic with a man at all. Well what do you really say when they bring it up (and you are interested in it too), just kind of go along and nod your head? I guess if you just agree in a nice way, but don't make a big deal out of it, and then return to the way you were being before is what she's saying to do? To let him think it's all his idea right???

It's funny since I've been using this approach it seems that guys really do get WAAAY emotional. But I have also found a lot of guys begging for me to open up to them...and almost act like they're confused that I'm with them, but don't seem interested in them. I guess they are just so used to women chasing commitment that they see women who don't as someone who doesn't actually like them, and they get confused. It really does completely throw them for a loop!!!!

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:37pm

I think that when commitment is brought up, you take a moment to take it seriously and while you let your partner know how you feel about it, you don't get all hysterical uuushy muuuushy and just nod and agree.


I guess that part of the book is sort of where I draw the line, because, to a degree, I want to have a certain level of control in the relationship (because I am a take charge/independent kind of person and my partner has to be able to handle that), so the commitment part would be something I might mention along the way... not as in "oh I hope we can have a commitment soon", but in mentioning the bits and pieces along the way... "when I'm ready for a commitment, I want my partner to be able to do XYZ (whatever he just may have done).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 09-17-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 10:44pm
See the way I took it was to let him think it's all on him, he's the one who decided to make it commited relationship...and it was his brilliant idea. She also says to set your own standards, and not to tell him but instead show him (by leaving, or controlling how much attention you give him/how unavailable you are)....just to set your dealbreakers in your own mind, and deadlines, and then just leave on your own without bringing them up to him. Don't tell him what you expect, but show him....if he gives bad behaviour, you give the same bad behaviour....hmm I don't really know about that one?? lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 8:29am
Hi Jim,
It sure seems like game playing to me. It wasn't too long ago that everyone was howling No game playing. I've been thinking about reading the book about how men love bitches too but I don't want to be like that. I've heard how sweet I am and how nice I am too. I certainly hope that dosen't mean it's a brush off. When you get in your 50's who's got time for games. I think being yourself should be good enough. I like to think that someone out there believes that people who have been married for many years certainly must have some good qualities. Mates die and people get lonely. What is so wrong with finding a new love and just being yourself. People have enough trouble shifting all the weight around of all the baggage they're carrying around with them from the past. You sound like a perfectly understanding, compasionate person. Hold your ground and don't go into hiding. There are too many of us women out there looking for someone just like you. Just reading your postings has given me a second wind. I'm not giving up and I'm not going to change my personality in any way. "Love and Kindness are never wasted. They bless the one who receives them and they bless you, the giver." by Beverly DeAngelis
Good Luck,
DJ
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 4:31pm

Hi, DJ...

I have read that "men/bitches" book, and to me, it seemed mostly tongue-in-cheek (no pun intended). It seems full of a bunch of cliches that are heard way too often... but then that just may be me.

Yeah... where I am in my 50s, I work too hard and have such little time to be involved in game playing. Some of the more innocent playing, maybe...

Don't change yourself in a way that you compromise who you are... and your integrity.

Jim

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Registered: 09-17-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 1:50am

Jim...see that's the way I'm feeling...I don't want to tiptoe around the way I feel, and compromise myself. The only problem is that a lot see it as weakness, and it blows up in your face. It's so frustrating....really a lose/lose situation. It's kind of funny the whole book talks about how to get a guy to marry you by not wanting to be married, lol....kind of a weird thought.

What I took from the book was to FOCUS on myself, and to set limits, and no I won't be bringing up the commitment word...NOT because of the book, but because doing so has really burnt me in the past.

I have kind of adopted some of the rules from the book that just fit naturally and make me happier in general....the problem is now the guys I'm currently dating are chasing me, and that's a turnoff. So it seems either I feel like I'm 'chasing', or it's the other way around.....why is it so hard for two people to just be happy with eachother, and both want the same things? uggh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:39pm

Good morning...

"It's kind of funny the whole book talks about how to get a guy to marry you by not wanting to be married, lol....kind of a weird thought."

Oddly enough, this is similar to the approach that I am using with someone I am currently seeing... or wanting to see. As I pursued her, she backed away... so my philosophy has become that I wont chase her... I will do what I feel I need to do to further whatever might can happen between us, but I am not going to put myself at total risk. She flees when I do that. So.. she contacts me... I contact her... and then its her turn... it just works better. However, it sounds like game playing to me so I am not happy with it.

"....the problem is now the guys I'm currently dating are chasing me, and that's a turnoff."

It's a turn off because they are chasing you? Define "chasing" for me. Do you prefer to be more agressive in your search for a relationship?

Jim