where is this going anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
where is this going anyway?
4
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 3:29am

This might sound very complicated and it might be easy to judge the situation here but bear with me please. Life can be very complicated and hardly anything is black and white.

So I had been dating 'A' for almost 2 years but I was having problems with him for a few months, constant fights, unresolved issues, etc. After some horrible 8-9 months with him, on a whim, I ended up drunkenly kissing another guy 'B' at a party. (Now this guy 'B' was a friend of a friend who I'd known on a 'hi-hello' basis till then.)

After that night, I felt very uncomfortable about the whole situation, but I ran into B a few times and every time he seemed very nice and interested and friendly. Slowly, we ended up getting closer - as friends, nothing physical at all.

One day soon after, during another ridiculous fight with A, I broke up with him.

I slowly started getting even closer with B, a little touchy-feely, mainly to distract myself from my breakup, and because I also was attracted to B. Then a common friend told me B had a girlfriend. I confronted him, to which he said that he wasnt really in a relationship, his ex had come back into his life recently but he didnt feel the same way anymore about her, and was trying to spare her feelings. I told him to stay away from me because if his ex was still in the picture, I definitely didnt want to get involved. I didnt speak to him at all for a week or two after that, after which he got in touch with me again, and told me that he had ended things with his ex once and for all, and he had told her honestly, that he did not feel the same way about her.

So then him and I started hanging out again. We're still 'dating' now, and I think he is a genuinely very nice guy, very caring, very smart, very attractive. We both enjoy each other's company a lot. We have common friends and we do activities all the time. We're physically very intimate, but haven't had sex, because I've basically said no.

Now, I dont know where this is going exactly. We havent spoken about defining this relationship yet, and I still introduce him as 'my friend'. Although I genuinely enjoy his company and think he's an absolute sweetheart and adore him, I dont think I want to get into a relationship with him. Firstly because it is too soon for me, and for him, and because of other external factors (major personality differences and different religions). At the same time, we are both getting attached and I find myself wondering where this is going. I will not have sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with, but it is hard because we are both terribly attracted to each other. He hasn't said anything about 'where is this going' to me yet, but he has asked the advice of a mutual friend whether he should ask me. So this means he's obviously thought about it.

Sorry for the HUGE essay but thanks for reading! Any advice would be appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 11:57am

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2009
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 6:39pm
I'm unclear about your advice to zilla_paw. What exactly is "the right thing?" in your opinion?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 9:51pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Sat, 02-07-2009 - 8:33am
It's really silly why women let their insecurities loose the moment they start falling for a guy..then asking ourselves and the guy some crazy questions like "where's this going?"---very typical for a girl whose more vulnerable than men. I think its because men and women have extremely oppposing qualities.. its instinctive for a woman to think that way. Women, way back in pre-historic era have this nurturant ability and instincts while men are focused on being the hunter and act as breadwinner.. That basically explains it--(I've read those from a valid research LOL).. Anyways back to your issue: The mere fact you start questioning your status quo, you unknowingly releasing emotional insecurities and neediness to get into a relationship with him. Men are sensible enough to know when a girl starts feeling insecure.. I suggest you go easy on your emotions, divert your attention to your career, socialize, engage to your passions and new org.. These would help you contemplate, know and realize what is it you really want (is it the need to get into a relationship?--or you acknowledge him because he met your standards).. If you prefer quality--learn to be patient and get what you want naturally at the right time. Don't obsess trying to know where the relaitonship is going--it will surely drive him away! (ask a guy friend's point of view about this).. ;)