The "Who Pays" argument

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
The "Who Pays" argument
3
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 8:51pm

I wanted to see a particular show this weekend, and I asked the guy that I am beginning to date if he would like to go with me. (This is the same guy that I am NOT asking to plan ahead to go to the play with me in a month. We have been on 3 good dates so far, but I don't want to rush the plans.) I have done this in the past with guys I have dated, and I feel it is right I pay for the tickets since it was my idea. Most guys will insist on buying me dinner, but a few have not, and that is fine.

But this guy wants to pay for the tickets. He seems to take it seriously that it is his "job" as the man to pay. I am always pleased when a guy wants to pay for the first few dates because it suggests that he sees himself as courting me, but I don't think it is fair for him to feel obliged to pay for something that was my idea. (It is more expensive than our dates in the past, which have just been the "dinner and conversation" variety.) I told him that he could buy me dinner if he wanted, but he insists he wants to pay for dinner AND the show tickets--or at least his own show ticket.

Aside from not wanting to take advantage, a good reason for me not to want to let him pay is that if he insists on paying I will be more hesitant in the future about inviting him to expensive things (like the play I want to go to a month from now).

Any tips on how to remain firm about this without coming across as too "independent"? ("I am woman, hear me roar!")

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 7:58am

Wow you are lucky to find such a nice and thoughtful man.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Wed, 04-08-2009 - 10:37am

Yeah, I really appreciate this guy's willingness to pay for things. It makes me feel valued. (He also has nice old-fashioned habits such as opening doors, holding the chair for me when the waiter doesn't, etc.)

However, the reality is he isn't rolling in dough. His income (as far as I can tell) is roughly the same as mine. I appreciate his wish to "provide," but I also feel that it puts me on the spot: either I don't suggest any expensive activities, or I risk being inconsiderate toward him.

I would rather pay for expensive events that I suggest and feel free to suggest these events in the future, than have him pay for everything and feel guilty whenever I suggested an expensive event.

And yes, I already bought the tickets and told him so. He wants to reimburse me for his own, at least, and that is what the "argument" is about.

I understand that what is at issue is a "coded" message that he can provide for me as well as I can provide for myself and that he doesn't need me to provide for him. But it's just not practical to carry that too far.

Since the friendship is in the early stages (3 dates + one casual meeting, irregular e-mails and phone calls, goodnight hugs but no more physical intimacy) I don't know how to get to discuss this with him without making a huge production of it. But I am just not willing to let him pay for the tickets.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Thu, 04-09-2009 - 8:44am

Hmmm, well I guess you need to just come right out and tell him how you feel and ask him what he thinks is fair for both of you.


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