why do I like this guy? there are red flags!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
why do I like this guy? there are red flags!
19
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 10:42pm

It's just weird. Well, first, I met this guy Jan. 2012.  We dated 2 months until we decided it would be better to be friends.  I will explain more later.  He and I were born on the same number day of the month, but diff. months and years.  I am 37 and he is 39.  So lately I've been thinking about fate or the meaning of my life alot more than usual - so I asked for a sign to show me whether or not I will end up with this guy.  First, stuff from the grocery store amounted to his birthday, $27.03.  He is European so he puts the day before the month.  Then, at work the accounting dept. asked me about an outstanding bill and the amount had 327 in it.  Now, honest, I just got an iphone and the Lifeproof case protector allows consumers to register online for a warranty, so I was typing in the serial # and it has 273 in it!!!!  This all happened within a month's time.  So now for stuff that **doesn't** make sense:

Do you think my European friend still loves his ex?  Let's call him Joe

First of all, she broke up with him for a silly reason (let me know if you think the reason will make a difference)
He said they were fighting a lot and it was bound to happen any day
They dated 4 yrs and got a cat together, she kept it
I never met her (I only met one of his guy friends)
They still have mutual friends and bump into each other UNplanned
They broke up 3 yrs ago

Joe told me his ex still loves him (she told him)- what I said in return was that when a girl is not dating anyone, she always feels lonely and thinks of her ex, so he replied "She's had 4 BF's since we broke up. Why didn't she tell them she still loves them? Why tell me if I'm not her last BF?"

HE'S KEPT TRACK AND COUNTED HER BF's

He's not on my Facebook anymore, but last I saw, he has a lot of pics of the cat (not his ex) - he tells me he goes to see the cat - I mean of course he does, it's like a child of his own

His ex had knee surgery and asked him to take care of the cat at his place while she recovered

She asks him to install her air conditioner every May and not the bldg Super (he moved out to a whole other town 45 minutes away - I've been to his place and he lives alone)

I told Joe that of course his ex still loves him, that is why she makes excuses to see him (the AC, knee surgery, etc). Then I say to him "Maybe you still love her too if you count her BF's." Then he says "We broke up 3 yrs ago, if I wanted to get back with her, I would've done it already."

Of course I still like him. We dated a while before he found out I don't want children. He's really nice and we have a lot in common. One day I told him I want to buy a one bedroom condo and he asked why not 2 in case I have children, then I said don't want them (I'm too old). Soon after, he joined my Facebook and I found out about his ex GF and the cat. Then came the green card convo.

We stopped dating and became friends with benefits.... mostly because of his ex. Even if he was American and did not need a green card, any guy still good friends with his ex is a bad sign.  BUT - he's a great guy otherwise and we have a lot in common and I'm almost 38 yrs old and getting lonely. So after I dated a few guys and it didnt' work out, I told Joe something like:

"I know we have a difference about children, but I realized you're a great guy after dating other guys.  I just want to tell you I still like you"

So he replied "I don't HAVE to have children."  I forgot what he said exactly, but I know it WASN'T "Ok, let's give us another try." He didn't say that. Nothing like that at all. He just doesn't like me - but he did when we first met (online by the way).

I think he has a plan to only use an American girl to get his green card, and then divorce her afterwards,  he would've married me by now - but he really wants children and true love. He said he can pay a woman $$ in exchange for a green card but he wants to marry for love - hence him joining the dating website.

I had a theory about him going back to his ex after divorcing an American girl otherwise, why would they still be good friends after breaking up 3 years ago?  Ok they have mutual friends after dating 3 yrs, and the cat is another reason.  I guess it's like they share a child.

Here it is 2013 and we are still FWB's. You'd think if he is planning to go back to his ex, he wouldn't need to marry for love, and he'd pay $$ to an American girl.

It's hard finding the right guy, but every time I find myself alone and I text him for sex, he is always available. Has he met someone? I still see he logs on to the dating website. The only job he can get is construction and he works overtime plus wkds, too. Is he really too busy to meet girls? The whole thing is just crazy. I'm starting to think I'll tell him I want to marry him for money so I can buy my condo. And of course I will get a pre-nup agrmt!!!  What do you think of all this?  Something is fishy, right?  It doesn't add up.  Joe gives me butterflies - I admit every guy I have liked in the past gives me butterflies but Joe gives me the most queazy fluttery feeling whenever I see him.  Any thoughts?  Thank you in advance

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 5:42am

So basically, to sum up your loooooong and all-over-the-place post with waaay too much detail, you're having sex with a bloke, you are into him and want a r-ship with him and he doesn't. Whether he's still after the ex, or she after him, is largely irrelevant. Neither is his wanting to marry for love, green card, money..whatever. The bottom line is that this man is happy to have sex with you when he feels like it and that is that. He is most likely dating other women, is in continuous contact with his ex, basically living his life with you a 'blip' on the horizon. I do know all about loneliness at 37. It's just that you're wasting time of which you haven't got much left. He's not going to suddenly realise he has loved you madly all along and propose. Nothing will change. One day he'll tell you he's met the ONE and that your sex arrangement has to stop. Is this what you want..?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 9:00am

A good candidate for FWB, if you have the stomach (and mind set) to handle that kind of relationships.  Othewise, stay away.  All those number signs are just nonsense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 9:49am

What will you do with your one precious life? Settle? Every moment spent on someone who clearly doesn't think you're special enough to be his one and only, is a moment wasted. This time could be spent spreading your net wide by engaging in different activities where you can meet more emotionally available men. Try meetups.com. Try cooking lessons, volunteer work, co-ed sports teams, etc. You want him because of a possibility of many things. When a woman has sex with a man, hormones are released to make her want to bond with a man, even if he's not right for her. Maybe your self esteem needs some work, and subconsciously, you think you're deserving of a man who doesn't value you. You also feel that being alone is worse than being with someone who doesn't meet your major needs. 

You probably have 40 or 50 years left on this planet. That's a long time to be with someone who is not crazy about you. That's a long time you have left to work on getting what you really want in life--a man who treasures you, doesn't spend his time with exes and sharing custody of a pet, and a man who doesn't troll dating sites. A man who is exclusive with you and wants to build a loving life with only you. Break off all communication with this guy. You can't have closure until you do. Work on your relationship goals by investing your energy in someone who meets all of your main needs. Get the book, "The Key" from the library or buy it. It's a good book on how to get what you want from the universe. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 11:08am

When you said all that stuff about numbers, I thought you must be about 14, not 37.  Seriously you can find "signs" for anything to convince yourself if you look hard enough. 

All those things you mentioned about the guy's ex surely don't add up to him being in love with her.  Installing her a/c?  I mean, wow, he sees her once a year for that.  Taking care of the cat while she's laid up--wouldn't that be understandable that she'd need help & would ask him?  I think it would all depend on how often he goes to visit her to "see the cat."  I don't think that just because people break up it means that they have to hate each other & stop all contact and why should he since you're not even his GF--I mean it's one thing if someone is in a relationship & their partner is uncomfortable w the person spending time w/ an ex, but you are just a FWB so he realy owes you nothing.

Of course he's available whenever you want sex--I mean what guy wouldn't go for that arrangement?  But by agreeing to a FWB arrangement, basically you have given up on having a relationship w/ him--that' s my theory anyway.  Sometimes people can handle FWB when they don't have strong feelings for the other person or there is some reason they know they wouldn't be right together in a relationship but it is just dumb if you want a relationship w/ a guy to settle for less thinking that it's going to make him come around.  It actually has the opposite effect.  He knows he can get sex when he wants it w/o having to make any effort--therefore, he's not going to make the effort to be with you.  some day he'll meet some other women he's really interested and he will make the effort for her and he'll drop you.

I agree--stop wasting your time w/ this guy.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 3:02pm

Wow, next you are going to say that you saw his face burned into a piece of toast.

If you wanted FWB, you got it. If not, move on. I would only use the term 'red flags' in terms of a guy seeming to be one way to really he's another. In this case there is nothing hidden, it is all out in the open for you in plain sight. You know exactly where you stand with him, but you don't or won't see it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 10:00pm

I think it would all depend on how often he goes to visit her to "see the cat."

sorry my post was very long.  This is the reason you forgot I answered your question above.  He posts pictures everytime he sees the cat and his ex, but no pics of her. There are several pics.  In fact she posted  a pic she took from her phone and he replied "Our cat is beautiful"

I know it's wrong, hence the reason I chose the subject line that I did.  I did say "red flags," right?  I know I'm wasting time with him... Tomorrow I have a date with a guy from okcupid.  The bloke who is NOT British is on plenty of fish

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 10:02pm

RE: So basically, to sum up your loooooong and all-over-the-place post with waaay too much detail, 

sorry, I was watching tv..... whatever, Just had to vent somewhere.  My friend didn't call back yet. She is married with 2 kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 10:09pm

RE:    Work on your relationship goals by investing your energy in someone who meets all of your main needs

true, but i live in an apt. bldg and my neighbor upstairs has sex a lot and I can hear the bed shaking and noise, etc.  I"m not the type to go out and have one night stands with guys I meet the same night. .....so WHEN I hear my neighbor upstairs, I feel comfortable calling a guy I know and who I've been with a while

Also, I am investing my time and energy in healing my knee/physical therapy, I have patella subluxation from being a runner and having an awkward gait which could be one of the causes of it (shrugs shoulders) hence my name - i love to jog on the trail.  You suggest I read the book "The Key" well now you can read about patella subluxation on the internet  :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 09-14-2013 - 10:39am

"true, but i live in an apt. bldg and my neighbor upstairs has sex a lot and I can hear the bed shaking and noise, etc.  I"m not the type to go out and have one night stands with guys I meet the same night. .....so WHEN I hear my neighbor upstairs, I feel comfortable calling a guy I know and who I've been with a while" ...

This is the most sorry a$% reason to have sex - just because someone upstairs is doing it.  Instead of investing time and energy to work on your knee, perhaps you should also do the same for your brains.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 09-14-2013 - 11:48am

Well I think that would be fine if you could just have NSA sex w/ a friend & not get caught up w/ how he feels about you & whether he loves his ex.  Since you can't have sex w/ this guy w/o being emotionally attached, you need to stop doing it.  I don't even want to tell you how long it's been since I've had sex but it doesn't mean that I would just go out & do it with anyone.  The only offers I've had have been w/ creepy guys from bars so I'm not that desperate.

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